Adi Gold – Let’s Get Eggy

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen…. ADI GOLD!!

The infamous sax solo from “Baker Street” hits as Adi Gold comes out waving her hands at the small crowd. She grabs her microphone and starts it.

Adi: Hey, how is everybody doing tonight? EGGcited are we? EGGcelent! That makes me EGGtremely happy. All these EGG puns are making me EGGhausted … no more EGG puns I promise… even though it is CRACKING you up… we SHELL see!

Forced laughs.

Adi sits on a stool.

Adi: Seriously though. What’s up with eggs? And what’s with people loving them? It’s like we go into the restaurant we’re used to. We go in there every other day… We sit at our little table. Looking up and down the menu like we’re trained to do.

Adi mocks looking up and down while her hands are out holding an invisible menu.

Forced laughs.

Adi(laughs): Right? So weird. The thing is, we know what we want. But here we are, being a tool. Waiter comes by, probably acting snooty too… like he’s better than you. He be like…

Adi does a bad French accent and uses her finger as a mustache.

Forced laughs.

Adi(being the waiter): EGGcuse me miss. (Breaks character) Sorry, i couldn’t resist. (back to being the waiter) MA’AM! Could I interest you to our special Pork Tongue Sandwich today? (she laughs) Um, no! Yuck! I will never eat anything that comes out of an animal’s mouth… give me an EGG sandwich, please!

Forced Crowd cheers and laughs.

Adi: What’s with that? Eating butt eggs? How come some eggs are chickees and others is delicious scrambled with toast? Doesn’t make sense. I’m not a chicken EGGspert. Sorry. Sorry. Expert. But I know it’s weird that a chicken can pop out both baby birds and slimy eggs. Crazy… it’s like we’re eating hen shit. Eggy hen like shit! And you know something interesting? You know the white stuff in hen shit? Ya? That’s hen shit too!

Forced laughs.

Adi: Speaking of Eggs. Here’s a funny prank you can do on your significant other. Make sure you trust and love each other first. Or soon you will be in the middle of a break up…

Adi laughs Forced crowd laughs.

Adi: So, what you do is… either your boyfriend or girlfriend is on the toilet… probably having a poo-poop. Because you need at least 5 minutes for this prank to work. If your lover takes longer doo-doos. Then, maybe they should see a doctor. Health comes first…

Forced laughs.

Adi: SO! They’re doing their ‘thang’ in the washroom. While they are doing that grab one of your many cartons of dozen eggs you have in your fridge. Make a small trail from outside the bathroom door into the closest room. Make sure you shut the door. Soon, the poop and wiping process will be over for your lover. FLUSH!!!!! And… they will likely spray, since egg poops leave an odor, ya know.

Forced laughs.

Adi: So, they will likely step on and break the first egg getting oaky goop all of their foot. They’re steaming mad now. But your loved one sees the trail of 5 or 6 eggs to the room. Now they are curious. Is it a gift? A surprise? What is happening? Right? Right? SO, they walk to the next room… slowly open the door… and when they do… you whip all the rest of the eggs at their face and head. And then you yell “YOU JUST GOT EGG’D!”

Adi slaps her knee as the crowd force laughs.

Adi: And that’s the goof. If you’re lucky and your loved one is a smart person and gets that kind of humor, you will share the laugh. Just be careful next time you go to make an egg shit and you find yourself following a trail of eggs… uh oh!!

Forced laughs.

Adi: How about Easter? What happened there? Am I right? Jesus gets crucified for our lives… and we just have a hidden egg party? Right? But when i was growing up, my brother and I wouldn’t look for chocolate eggs wrapped in colorful tinfoil. No, no, no. We’d get regular ol’ brown eggs to find. But then, then, between my brother and I, the winner who found most eggs would get to eat all the eggs and celebrate like a good girl or boy. But if you have the rotten egg, like I did the last time we had a family Easter… you’d have to go to the barn for an entire hour. Mom and Dad and grandpa would take my brother into the house and lock all the doors, shut all the blinds and hide in the basement for the remainder of the hour. I’d enter the barn with the rotten egg and take off my floral dress and strip to my undies, per ritual. I would then have to use the rusty nail to draw a bit of blood from a finger of my choosing. Smear the blood over the egg. Turn around and sit in the hay and close your eyes. Close your eyes until… cousin “Henry” would wake up from his chained corner and have his annual feeding of a single rotten egg.

Adi Laughs Crowd Silent.

Adi: I’d keep my eyes shut and just listen to his cricket like sounds from his mouth. And keep quiet. You have to stay quiet for the hour or cousin ‘Henry’ will get upset and throw a fit. So, you wait… silently… and when he finally screeches you pick up your things, eyes still shut and run to the house… and that was EASTER at the ol’ Goldblum home!

Adi laughs. Crowd still silent.

Adi: THANK YOU! AND DON’T FORGET! IT TAKES A COUPLE OF BROKEN EGGS TO MAKE AN OMELETTE! BUT IT TAKES A CARTON OF EGGS TO HAVE A REALLY BIG OMELETTE!!!! Good night folks.

Adi takes a bow and waves smiling walking behind the curtain as the crowd watches on confused.