AK Presents: YUHlapalooza! – May 17, 2020

There is a brief pyrotechnics display in the open Kettering University arena  which the crowd seems to really be into. After one final blast of fireworks, the arena darkens right down as a video package rolls on the YUHtron and the sounds of the Flint fans anticipation steadily building more and more are readily apparent.

Arley’s voice-over: It wasn’t really s’posed to be like this, but fakk it, it is what it is..

On the screen, Arley Kirk comes into view over a hill, walking along a dusty road. The camera pans in for a close up on Arley’s face and her usually mischief-loaded hazel eyes are currently wistful and looking off somewhere in the distance. Arley’s hand moves up to her forehead in an effort to shield her squinting eyes from the sun’s harmful rays while her prerecorded voice-over chimes in.

Arley Kirk: Just when ya think you have reached the top of one hill..

The scenery switches up to a video which was shot during a tour in South Africa. Arley visually gulps and then cranes her neck upward on the screen. The camera slowly pans over to reveal a really treacherous looking mountain range just ahead of her. In typical AK fashion, the camera gets a goofy grin and a double thumbs up before Arley shuffles her backpack and keeps forging ahead.

Arley Kirk:  BAM! A mountain presents itself! 

A quick time lapse montage shows of Arley traversing the terrain the quickest and most expedient way she can find, until she’s finally atop it’s peak, reaching for the heavens..

Arley Kirk: Why would ya wanna lie down and accept defeat for? Why would you ever tell yourself that it’s over? Why do you want to believe that it isn’t possible if you fakkin’ want it bad enough?

The scene cuts to Arley at #SCRAP Palace, absolutely wailing on a punching bag with a variety of flying kicks, possibly making an inanimate object wish it had never been produced. With a banshee shriek, Arley gives it a final jumping 540 spinkick before taking a big gulp of water and then leaning against a locker, panting with exertion but seemingly ecstatic. As opposed to her voice-over, this time, the Suicide blonde speaks.

Arley Kirk: Not on ya LIFE! 

Arley takes another big swig of water before she continues.

Arley Kirk: You’d like that, wouldnt ya? But no. This is why I even do this. As a professional athlete, it’s our gotdang duty to rise to the occasion! 

Her eyes narrow as she speaks plainly and articulately.

Arley Kirk: This is not a benefit show. This is not a ‘pennance’, a ‘bitch tax’ or a ‘glorified’ detention..

Arley rolls her eyes as those particular social media comments roll on the YUHtron and the fans BOOO just a little bit..

Arley Kirk: No. This is simply my way of proving that I’ma try harder from here on out. This is my gift to those of you who have been crying out for a show that is jam packed with potentially memorable and iconic matches. This is my gift to YOU!

Arley’s eyes sparkle and she points to the camera lens as she offers her most earnest smile.

Arley Kirk: This is..

The arena comes to life with another quick pyrotechnic burst from the stage and the rafters, the fans who have gathered for this event on their feet and cheering as “This one’s gonna leave a bruise” by Less Than Jake, the theme song for YUHlapalooza, blasts forth from the P.A speakers littered throughout the arena.

The first thing the camera does is pan wide and catch the  variety of signs being held up in the crowd:

CORNFED BADASS!

BEHOLD THE KINGDOM!

HATCHET CLAN!

WE’RE HERE TO SEE POE!

M.U.D WANTS BLOOD! 

REDNECK FIGHT!

SMACK HIM DOWN, RYDEN!

#BAUMER

DANCE WITH ME, CODA!

BILLY AND KAYLA > ANALICIA AND DRAKE!

DO THE HUSTLE, DEBBY!

DON’T DIE, ARLEY!

KEJI CAN BEAR THIS!

LOLA WANTS TO MAKE OUT!

HEY SQUIGGLY, MAKE ME A BALLOON GIRAFFE!

ROCK ON GRIFF!

TRASHY LASHY!

SUPER TIGER ICHIBAN! 

  The cam immediately shoots over to commentary where we are greeted by a highly excitable Krystal Kirk and Mike Spazz!

Krystal Kirk: Greetins erryone and welcome to YUH-LA-PA-LOOOOZA! 

Mike Spazz: God DAMN we’re looking down the barrel of a HOT event here, KK! I’m ya mom’s favorite asshole, Mike Spazz, I got me a bitch sitting next to me who’s gonna rip my fuckin arm off and club me with it if I keep callin’ her a bitch – it’s none other than Krystal Kirk!

Krystal Kirk: Well tanks for dat, Spazzy! I can always count on YOU for a toe curlin’ introduction! Serious tho – dis thing is STACKED! Look at dis card, Mikey boi! 

Mike Spazz: Damn RIGHT, woman! We got HUGE tag team matches, falls count anywhere, hardcore and first blood matches – we got a ladder match AND a cage match! Title defences ahoy! And let’s not forget the best fuckin’ commentary team in the world, yo! 

Krystal Kirk: While mah pahtnah over n’yar humble brags..

Krystal smirks at Mike sideways as Mike offers the cheesiest, shit-eatingest cheesy shit-eating grin.

Krystal Kirk: I pers’nally feel like we done rambled on enuff fa now. Ya know what, Mikey? Let’s be gettin’ to it! Let’s cross to our ring announcer, Mari Moon and see what our first match has in store for us! 

Grayson Kingsley v Liam Archer 

*DING~DING~DING!!*

The referee calls for the bell and both Kingsley and Archer are immediately on the hunt for the opening, both men issuing, blocking and sidestepping their various strikes. 

Mike Spazz: I fuckin’ LOVE it, KK. We got us an actual FIGHT to kick off YUHlapalooza!

The two men lock up and Grayson Kingsley immediately gets the arm wringer, cranking it around and applying torque while Liam Archer grabs for the shoulder in question. Kingsley tries to crank the arm wringer around a second time and flip Archer over, yet Liam evades with a military roll, pops back up and reverses the arm wringer into a top wristlock. GK immediately tries to swivel under and employ a judo style hip toss, but Liam Archer retains his footing, locking the legs before seizing the rookie in a hammerlock and swinging him into a sharp DDT!

Krystal Kirk: WOW! Dat oughta cost Kingsley right dere! Cover!

ONE

T..

Grayson kicks out at one and a half. Archer attempts to roll Kingsley over and apply his patented dragon sleeper, yet Kingsley back-rolls and hooks the arm, hauling Liam Archer to his feet on the way through..

Krystal Kirk: Irish whip by GK, no, Archer wit da reversal..Kin’sley on da rebound..

Archer leaps up, spins around and tries to take off Kingsley’s head with a discus big boot, yet GK avoids it with a belly slide, taking Archer over in a super deep arm drag on the way through and trying for a fujiwara armbar, yet Archer did a barrel roll to evade and then checked Grayson with a modified chop block before going for a cover..

ONE..

Grayson swivelled free and applied an upper body leg scissors, pinning Archer’s shoulders in the process..

ONE

TWO..

Mike Spazz: Kick out by Archer! Oh fuck yeah, smooth! Inside cradle!

ONE

TWO..

Mike Spazz: Grayson kicks the fuck out! What’s this? Backward roll! La Magistral fuckin’ CRADLE!

ONE

TWO

T..

Krystal Kirk: An’ Archer breaks free and kicks Kin’sley outta da way! 

Both Archer and Kingsley kip up to their feet and strike a fighting pose, getting an ovation from this social-distancing adhering Michigan crowd before they lock up again!

Krystal Kirk: Archer ain’ messin’ around! Headlock is locked on tight!

Archer hauls Kingsley out of the headlock and off for an irish whip..

Mike Spazz: Kingsley on the fuckin’ rebound! Archer ducks down for a backdrop! 

GK surprises Archer by simply rolling over his shoulders, spinning around and turning him inside out with a jumping roundhouse!

Krystal Kirk: Woah didja hear da sound o’ DAT? Grayson wit da cover! ONE, TWO, TH…Real close kick out by Archer!

Kingsley gets to his knees, his cheeks puffing out as he takes a centering breath before nodding to himself. Grayson takes an arm and hauls Liam to his feet, yet he’s met with an angry barrage of punches, forearms and a kick to the gut to double him over, before Liam shuffles behind Grayson..

Mike Spazz: German suplex into the motherfuckin’ corner!!

Grayson bounces off, clutching his upper back before Liam hauls him to his feet and places him in the tree of woe with a modified power slam..

Krystal Kirk: Uh Oh! Archer be climbin’

Mike Spazz: ART OF WAR!!

Archer leaps off, looking to crush Kingsley’s chest with a double foot stomp, yet Kingsley does a sit up to avoid it and launches off for a twisting backfist off the top rope! 

Krystal Kirk: Archer avoids da backfist! He be bendin’ Archer back…TWISTIN’ FALLA..

Archer gets caught with a modified back kick before Kingsley twists free, swinging around..

Mike Spazz: USHIRO GERI! Straight outta the fuckin’ judo playbook!

ONE

TWO

THREE!

*DING~DING~DING!!*

Mari Moon: The winner of this contest, as result of a pinfall, GRRRRAYSON KINNNNNGSLEY!

Mike Spazz: Freakin’ great opener, and a huge pick up for the rookie, Grayson Kingsley. I see big fuckin’ things in the future of this dude!

Krystal Kirk: No doubt, Spazzy! Safe ta say dat about a lot o’ da talent appearin’ at YUHlapalooza! 

Mike Spazz: Yo, I’m gettin’ a line from some a-hole in production! We’re gonna cut backstage!

We cut backstage to the merchandising booth where we find “Ginger Ninja” Molly Hatchet and “The Rebel” Melinda Rhodes selling out #YUHLAPALOOZA T-shirts to mask wearing fans in attendance. Both are in their ring gear and signing free autographs with every purchase. Naturally some are ecstatic, walking away with their signed picture and cool T-shirt, others are a bit more reserved in subdued. Everytime a shirt was sold, the money was placed into a machine that automatically dispensed change for the fans on the other side of a plexiglass barrier.

One fan, a rather short, pimply young man walks up to Molly’s side of the table with a big grin.

Fan: I’ll take two shirts please!!! I’m your biggest fan!! Both shirts in 5x!

Molly signs the autograph with a flourish and slides it out along with the shirt as cash is handed to her, then placed in the till behind her. She shoots him a smile and waves a gloved hand at him.

Molly: Thanks lad!

Fan: I’LL TREASURE THIS FOREVER!!!

Mel chuckles softly.

Mel: Well you certainly seem better than you were earlier. I missed out on all the twitter drama.

The Rebel smiles as a fan asks her for three shirts, which she adds a signed 3×5 of herself along with it.

Molly: Aye…. Melinda, I’m sorrae I gave ye’ shit in tha’ past…

She smiles and takes another payment from a fan, pushing out a T-shirt and a signed autograph!

Molly: Thank ye’ love!

Mel does the same with a chuckle.

Mel: Don’t be Ginge, you did me a favor back then. How’d I have known I was going off the deep end or gotten help if you didn’t step in and tell me so? Everyone else turned their back and there you were, being awesome when you probably shouldn’t have.

Molly shrugs her shoulders and sighs, then smiles taking more cash and quickly signing an autograph with a flourish and a smile before passing it along with another YUHLapalooza T-shirt.

Molly: I feel though as if I’m going through that same struggle, Mel… Like I’ve lost me way and I’m havin’ ta’ fight me way back to it.

Another signed Autograph and T-shirt passed along.

Mel: Thanks! Hope you love the show young man!

She then reaches over and pats Molly on her shoulder, looking her younger friend right in the eye.

Mel: I’ll say this much. Sure, you’ve done some bad things in your turn, but one thing you have that I didn’t, was people around me who actually cared enough to help me and keep me from doing worse. You were the only one that was there for me.

With a smile, the Ginger Ninja nods.

Molly: Thank you, fer bein’ here for me now, sister.

The Rebel shoots her a big grin.

Mel: You’d do and have done the same for me. Now let’s bust out more of these shirts until our match comes up.

Molly: Yeah!

Molly looks up and see’s a 14 year old boy walk up to the table scoffing.

Teen Fan: My dad say’s wrestling is fake.

Mel and Molly both exchange knowing glances and share a smirk.

Mel: You want this one or should I take it?

Molly shoots her a cheshire grin.

Molly: I got this…. *Looks back to the boy* Where’s yer Dad?

He points his thumb at the rather portly gentleman behind him nodding his head. Molly smiles sweetly. The camera suddenly cuts to her throwing both the father and the son out the front door of the arena.

Molly: FAWK OFF AND DON’T COME BACK! …Call me life fake… fawkwits!

She then disappears back through the double doors of the arena to the lobby area. We then cut back to ringside. 

Krystal Kirk: Ugh! Dat’s ’nuff ta piss anyone on dis show right off!

Mike Spazz: Yo I hope that dude is watchin’ Chance v Morse, these bitches about to show y’all just how ‘fake’ pro wrestling is!

Cassie Morse V River Chance 

*DING~DING~DING!!*

The referee calls for the bell and both Morse and Chance circle, building energy with a rhythmic clap before finally engaging in a lock up..

Krystal Kirk: Headlock ‘ere by Rivah, Cassie is able to wriggle free and gets da go behind! 

Cassie gets in position for a German..

Mike Spazz: Suplex City, BIT..nah, yo! River with them back elbows!

Cassie staggers back as River frees herself with a flurry of back elbows, turns back around and delivers a sharp forearm before hauling Cassie Morse up for a military press slam.

Krystal Kirk: Morse wriggles free! OOF! Double knee backbreaker!

Mike Spazz: Backbreaker City, BITCH!

Krystal Kirk: Are ya gon’ do dat erry time?! Cover by Cassie!

ONE

TWO..

Mike Spazz: Hell to the YEAH. Riv gets that shoulder up! Fast action so far and I don’t think these bitches be slowin’ down none!

Cassie knows she got River with that one and she takes an arm, hauling River to her feet and trying for an irish whip, yet River reverses and Cassie ends up hitting the corner hard, with River following up with an immediate corner splash..

Krystal Kirk: An’ lucky for Cassie she moved outta da way!

River slams into the corner turnbuckles and Cassie immediately sets on her with a ten punch!

ONE

TWO

THREE

FOUR

FIVE

SIX

SEVEN

Mike Spazz: EIGH..woah, wait! 

Rivers suddenly surges out of the corner, and Cassie finds herself at the mercy of a spinebuster from the second rope!

Krystal Kirk: POMMEL STRIKE out of nowhere! This could be it!

ONE

TWO

TH..

Cassie gets the shoulder up! River gets up to her knees, takes a deep breath and then seizes Cassie in a headlock, hauling her up to her feet.

Mike Spazz: Headlock takedown by Chance! YOW! And she follows up with that leg drop! Tell ya what, KK I don’t want that shit droppin’ down on my chest! Cover!

ONE

TWO..

Cassie kicks out. River tries to take advantage by rolling Cassie over and trying for a rear chinlock, but Cassie back-rolls to evade and suddenly snaps off a basement dropkick!

Krystal Kirk: I’m s’posed ta be non-biased ‘ere but fakk it, I’ma proud of mah gurl! Cover!

ONE

T..

River powers out, and Cassie even launches up into the air a little, enough to get back to her feet and try to snap off an enziguri kick, yet River Chance catches the leg and drops Cassie with a high angled powerslam as she is standing! Cassie grimaces and clutches her upper back as she gets back up.

Mike Spazz: Kick to the gut by River, Cassie’s doubled over. Look, look KK! I told ya! SUPLEX CITY, BITCH!

River throws an arm over and hauls Cassie up in a delayed vertical suplex, walking around with her in that position as the blood rushes to Cassie’s head.

Krystal Kirk: Looks like Cassie’s takin’ dat Suplex City bypass!

Cassie manages to wriggle free and land on her feet before using the momentum to convert for a brutal looking tilt-a-whirl russian legsweep!

Mike Spazz: I’ll give her that, yo. That shit was impressive!

ONE

TWO

River gets the shoulder up! Cassie sits up and centers herself with a deep breath before hauling River to her feet and sending her for an irish whip..

Krystal Kirk: River on da rebound, Morse droppin’ flat and River jumpin’ over!

Cassie moves in for a running european uppercut, and River shows rare agility as she sidesteps and then reels Cassie in for a ripcord discus lariat, yet Cassie wriggles free and then evades with a military roll before kipping back up..

Krystal Kirk: Hurrahcanrana!!!

River rolls into the corner with the momentum and uses the ropes to get back to her feet, catching Cassie in the jaw as she launches at her with a cross body..

Mike Spazz: THERE’S THAT POMMEL STRIKE AGAIN!!

ONE

TWO

THR..

Cassie, amazingly, gets the shoulder up! As Cassie stirs, River sits up. Her face is somewhat vacant, yet beads of perspiration drip down her face.

Krystal Kirk: We ALL thought FO SHO, dis one is OVAH. But hello world, DIS is Cassie FAKKIN’ Morse!!

River seizes Cassie in an arm wringer and hauls the dazed cornfed badass to her feet, kneeing her in the stomach and doubling her over.

Mike Spazz: That muscular motherfucker be haulin’ Morse up, KK! Look out! POWERBOM..

Cassie pummels River with desperate fists and forearm shots, and River is forced to drop Cassie, eating a kick to the gut for her trouble..

Krystal Kirk: DATS DA CRADLE!! Country Style Piledr..NO!

River busts out of the cradle, lands on her feet, swings around and REALLY drills Cassie with a sickening angle on her patented spinebuster! Cassie bounces and folds up like an accordion on impact..

Mike Spazz: POMMEL STRIKE!! ONE, TWO, THREE!! THAT’S IT!

*DING~DING~DING*

Mari Moon: The winner of this match as the result of a pinfall, RIVERRRR CHANCE!!

Krystal Kirk: Well dere ya has it, y’all. What a match! I am soooo proud of both of these gurls but in da end, River got her wif da experience factor!

Mike Spazz: Awesome contest right here, but let’s get the fuck out and go to commercial!

Hatchet Clan v Bloody Fairytale 

*DING~DING~DING!!*

As the bell sounds, Christina leans in and gives Stacy a quick kiss on the lips and then turns around, putting her focus on Molly who is starting the match for her team. The two of them lock eyes and circle the ring. They finally meet in the middle and lock up. Christina is quick to go behind and put Molly into a waist lock. Molly though is able to reverse it and put Christina into a side headlock. Christina backs into the ropes and pushes Molly off. 

Mike Spazz: Irish whip here, Kk, Molly on the rebound!

Molly comes off the ropes and Christina drops down as Molly leaps over her. Christina leaps to her feet and Molly this time leap frogs her. Molly hits the ropes one more time and this time leaves her feet and takes Christina down with a crossbody.  

Krystal Kirk: Crossbody! 

Molly gets to her feet and picks Christina up. She sends Christina into her corner and charges in, delivering a corner splash as Melinda tags herself into the match.  

Mike Spazz: Rebel getting all up in this shit!

Melinda comes in, pulling Christina out of the corner as her and Molly deliver a double suplex. Molly rolls out of the ring as Melinda picks Christina up to her feet. She takes Christna and delivers a Northern Lights suplex and bridges up for a pin. 

1…

2…

Kickout!

Mike Spazz:  Wicked northern lights suplex and a close near fall!

Melinda picks Christina up again and this time sends her into a neutral corner. Melinda comes charging in and runs right into a boot from Christina who hops up to the middle rope and launches herself, catching Melinda and hitting a tornado DDT.

Krystal Kirk: Woah! Huge tornado DDT!  Dis crowd be eatin’ up dis tag match!

 On the apron, Stacy is reaching out, urging Christina to make a tag. Christina gets to her feet, grabbing Melinda by the ankle and dragging her over to her corner where she tags Stacy into the match. 

Mike Spazz: And now Deville is gettin’ her some! This is fuckin’ awesome!

 Stacy comes in and the two of them pick Melinda up and send her into the ropes. They deliver a double clothesline followed up by a double elbow drop. 

Krystal Kirk: Teamwork by dis pair!

Christina rolls out of the ring as Stacy takes over for her team. Stacy picks Melinda up and sends her into a neutral corner. Stacy charges in, delivering a corner splash. She then mounts Melinda and begins to deliver a series of ten punches as the crowd counts along.

ONE

TWO

THREE

FOUR

FIVE

SIX

SEVEN

EIGHT

NINE

TEN!

Stacy pulls Melinda out of the corner and delivers a belly to belly suplex before floating over and taking Melinda and putting her into stretch muffler submission.  

Mike Spazz: It takes a lot to make a fuckin’ woman like Melinda goddamn Rhodes quit, KK! She’s hanging on here!

Stacy cranks on the hold as Melinda reaches out, trying to make it towards the ropes. Melinda fights, the ref asks if she wants to give up, but she refuses. Stacy continues to put the pressure on Melinda and the pain is etched in her face, but Melinda refuses to give up. She finally, after about thirty seconds is able to make it to the ropes. The ref calls for the break and Stacy releases the hold and Melinda rolls out of the ring as Molly drops to the floor to check on her partner. 

Krystal Kirk: Rhodes got outta dat hold but I tink dey gots bigger problems right about now!!

 Christina gets into the ring and looks at Stacy as the two nod their heads and hit the ropes, diving through them and hitting stereo tope suicidas on both Molly and Melinda.  

Mike Spazz: DUAL TOPE SUICIDAS!! HOLY SHIT, KK!

The crowd cheers as the two embrace for a quick moment before Stacy grabs Melinda and rolls her back into the ring. Stacy gets back in, picking Melinda up and sending her into their corner. Stacy walks over, tagging Christina back into the match. Christina climbs to the top rope as Stacy pulls Melinda out of the corner and wrings the arm before Christina comes off the top rope with a double axe handle to the arm. Christina then hits the ropes, using them to springboard and deliver a moonsault that takes Melinda down and she hooks the leg for a cover. 

 Krystal Kirk: Springboard moonsault and a cover by Olson!!

1…

2…

Kickout!

Mike Spazz: I keep tellin’ y’all! Rhodes and O’Hatherine? Never fuckin’ say die these bitches! I fuckin’ love it!

Molly is back up on the apron, stomping on the ring steps, getting the crowd behind them and urging Melinda to make the tag. Christina climbs up to the top rope and launches herself, looking for a frog splash, but Melinda is able to get the knees up and drive them right into the midsection. Melinda then stirs and begins crawling her way towards her corner. Christina though, tries to grab her by the ankle, but is caught with a enziguri to the side of the head. Melinda makes the leap and the tag to Molly!

Krystal Kirk: Melinda gettin’ da tag to Molly!

Molly comes in off the tag, delivering a clothesline to Christina and then another and a third before topping it off with a Polish Hammer! Christina staggers back into the ropes and when she bounces back, she’s met with a knee right to the face! Molly grabs her and delivers a Ginger Snap German Suplex and bridges up for a pin.

1…

2…

Stacy comes in and makes the save.

Krystal Kirk: An’ Stacy makes da save for her and Christina. Holy heck dis is a tag battle!

Molly gets to her feet and picks Christina up, looking for the Hatchet Job, but Christina is able to counter out of it and deliver a leaping neckbreaker to Molly. 

Mike Spazz: Awesome counter by Olson!

Stacy is now stomping on the ring steps, yelling out to Christina. Both women are stirring and Christina is slowly making her way to the corner. She leaps and tags Stacy in! Stacy comes in just as Molly gets to her feet and takes her down with a double leg take down and goes right into a gator roll before getting to her feet and waiting. Molly makes it to her feet and as she does, runs right into a superkick from Stacy. 

Mike Spazz: Oh fuckin goodnight!!

Stacy then walks over to Christina and tags her into the match. Stacy picks Molly up as Christina climbs to the top rope. Stacy delivers the Deville Driver as Christina leaps from the top rope and hits the Firestarter! Stacy takes Melinda down to the mat as she tries to come in and save Molly as Christina hooks the leg.

1…

2…

3!

*DING~DING~DING!!*

Mari Moon: The winners of this match due to the result of a pinfall,  CHRISTINA OLLLSONNN and STACY DEVILLLLLE!!

Krystal Kirk: Excellent, excellent tag match right dere, Spazzy! 

Mike Spazz: Huge pickup right there for the team of Stacy Deville and Christina Olson, no fuckin’ doubt! 

Krystal Kirk:  Dis YUHlapalooza show be off da hook so far, Spazzy! Let’s keep dis shiz movin’

Celine Del Añil v Morgan Payne 

*DING~DING~DING!!*



The bell rings, and the two women circle, sizing one another up. Celina suddenly sprints forward and Morgan appears to throw a clothesline, which del Anil attempts to duck, but Payne has that scouted, and throws a kick into her opponent’s calf which drops Celina to a knee.  

Krystal Kirk: Ya really need ta be on da lookout wit Payne. She’s gon’ getcha good  

Morgan spins, throwing a hard elbow into Celina’s back, right between her shoulder blades. La Manzana cries out, hitting the mat with a thud.  

Mike Spazz: Ya fuckin told her, KK!

Morgan takes off at a run, hitting the ropes and coming back, looking to deliver KHAO LOI but Celina dodges the knee strike. Morgan sails over her head as Celina kips up to her feet. Morgan manages to land on her feet, throwing a hard backfist as she turns, but La Manzana ducks the attack before leaping up and catching Payne with a hurricanrana! Morgan hits the mat with a grunt, rolling into the corner and onto her knees.  

Krystal Kirk: Hurracanfakkin’rana! Celina runnin’ in now!

Celina sprints in, leaping and hitting a flying double knee strike on Payne, driving her face first into the middle turnbuckle.  

Mike Spazz: Oof! Morgan Payne hits the deck!

Morgan slumps as Celina steps back out of the corner, dancing backwards as she readies for Payne to get to her feet. Morgan gets up, turning to face Celina, a snarl on her face. She comes out of the corner, hands up on either side of her face in a defensive stance. Celina sprints forward again, looking for the step-up enzuigiri, but Morgan catches her legs, spiking the Hispanic superstar into the mat with a grunt.  

Krystal Kirk: An’ here are dese raza sharp instin’s dat we been talkin’ bout, Spazz! Check dis..

Morgan stomps on Celina’s hand, stepping down to stomp on her opponent’s knee, and then ankle. She pulls la Manzana to her feet, throwing two snap jabs into her opponent’s jaw before throwing a hook before Celina matrix evades the third punch, doing a back handspring and catching Morgan under the chin with a kick. The strike caught Payne off guard, causing her to stumble backwards before Celina leaps forward, nailing Morgan with a sit out clothesline!  

Mike Spazz: Impressive run of moves by Celina! She gotta keep it rolling here or Payne will undoubtedly fuck her up!!

She immediately rolls her opponent over, grabbing her wrists before executing her F.Y.F!  

Krystal Kirk: F.Y.F! Oh lort..

She hits 3 of these arm trapped curbstomps before going for a cover, but Morgan kicks out with a yell, getting her shoulder up at two.

Celina hauls Morgan to her feet, looking to set her up for ANGELIC TRIBUTE but Morgan rolls through, throwing a backfist that stops just shy of hitting Celina who steps back. Morgan grins, grabbing Celina’s head and hitting her own version of F.Y.F, driving her knee up into the Hispanic superstars face with brutal efficiency! She runs, hitting the ropes and coming back just as the stunned Celina gets to her feet, only to take a full force KHAO LOI straight to the mouth! Celina drops like a sack of potatoes, and Morgan rolls her up..

ONE  

TWO

THREE

*DING~DING~DING!!*

Mari Moon: The winner of this bout as result of a pinfall, MORRRRRGAN PAYYYYNE!

Mike Spazz: Del Añil has not a damn thing to be ashamed of tonight, KK.  She was SO damn   impressive! The thing is, Morgan Payne is one cold, callous bitch between them ropes!

Krystal Kirk: Ya don’t gotta tell me twice, Spazzy. Yo check it out! We’ve arrived at da point of da night where we get ta call a couple o’ good ol’ Southern boys dookin’ it out! Can’t wait. Let’s fakkin’ GEDDIT!

Brett Daniels v Chris Cane 

*DING~DING~DING!!*

This contest starts right away with Brett Daniels and Chris Cane locking up tightly, Daniels seizing Cane in a headlock before delivering an elbow shot to the top of the head which staggers Chris Cane back enough to give Daniels the room he needs to throw a vicious lariat Cane’s way!

Mike Spazz: Cane with the sidestep! Chris Cane catching the arm and sending Brett Daniels into the corner with an irish whip!

Krystal Kirk: Running knee! An’ a bulldog!

Chris Cane gets a mixed reaction as he gets back to his feet, and he shrugs it off, turning around and booting Daniels in the ribs and then rolling him over..

Krystal Kirk: Cane be tryin’ fo dat 8 Second ride dis early in da match, but Brett Daniels be kickin’ his way free!

*SMACK!!*

Mike Spazz: Oof fuckin’ knife edge chop from Cane!

*SMACK-SMACK!!*

Krystal Kirk: Knife edge chop in reply and a downward chop by Daniels! Cane droppin’ to a knee!

Daniels runs in and delivers a running knee to the side of Cane’s head for the cover..

ONE

TWO

Mike Spazz: And Cane gets the shoulder up!

Brett Daniels wastes no time dragging Chris Cane up and sending him off for an irish whip..

Krystal Kirk: HAH! Cane be pumpin’ da brakes and yankin’ down dat top rope! Daniels be takin’ a spill to da outside!

Right as Daniels comes crashing to the concrete on the outside, Cane launches off the apron with an elbow drop, Daniels eating all of it and Cane getting the cover..

ONE

TWO

T..

Mike Spazz: Daniels kicks out right as the referee’s hand is comin’ down for the three!

Chris Cane snarls as he dives on Daniels again and delivers a flurry of right hands, and the crowd volume picks up as Daniels manages to reverse the ground and pound predicament!

Krystal Kirk: Jus’ like dat fan’s sign predicts, Spazzy! Fakkin’ REDNECK FIGHT!!

Cane manages to grab Daniels by the wrists and headbutt him to stun him before he drags Brett to his feet in a headlock. A fan close to the ramp is hollering and holding out his beer, and his face falls as Cane snatches it and skolls it..

Mike Spazz: It don’t get much more fuckin’ redneck than this, Kk!

Chris Cane: YEEEHAH!

*SMASH!!*

Mike Spazz: Fuck. I stand corrected!

Brett Daniels’ eyes widen as Cane slams down the beer and then smashes the bottle over his head. Daniels drops to one knee and clutches his head, where blood begins to flow out between his fingers..

Krystal Kirk: Deez guys are gon’ take it too far, I know it!

Mike Spazz: Yanno, as long as we ain’t seein’ no Deliverance bullshit, we’re all good..

Cane hauls Daniels back up but he is met with a flurry of elbow shots to the ribs. Cane snarls and cuts Daniels off with a boot to the gut..

Krystal Kirk: Shinin’ wizar..

The crowd goes bananas as Brett sidesteps, spins around and practically drills Cane through the ramp with his patented SPINEBUSTER! 

ONE

TWO

THR..

Mike Spazz: This motherfucker practically left his outline in the goddamn ramp!! How the hell did this a-hole kick OUT?!

Brett gets up onto his knees, perspiration and blood dripping down his face and body, and he looks incredibly frustrated. Brett looks around the crowd, and then he points down at Cane and he gives them his trademark taunt..

Mike Spazz: Daniels is saying that this redneck fight is over right about now, and that makes me kinda fuckin sad..

Daniels has control as Cane is still dazed from that brutal spinebuster and he easily hauls him to his feet and pops off a european uppercut and a kick to the gut. 

Mike Spazz: Daniels be throwin’ that arm over the shoulder. But hang on! Cane be making a comeback!

Chris Cane fights Brett Daniels off with a furious flurry of forearms, elbows and chops before doubling him over with a kick to the midsection..

Krystal Kirk: FTWaitaminute!!

As Cane leaps up and clutches Brett for the stunner, Brett shows off his upper body strength by hauling him up and inverted suplexing Cane onto the opposite barricade..

Mike Spazz: DIRTY DEED by Daniels off the barricade wall! Holy fuck, Cane’s head jacked back! Here’s the cover!

ONE

TWO

THREE

*DING~DING~DING!!*

FIRST BLOOD MATCH

Eddy Poe v  Marcus Uriah Dunne 

*DING~DING~DING!!* 

Eddy Poe and Marcus Uriah Dunne seem to be casually trading verbal barbs while they circle before tying up in the middle. Eddy immediately seizes MUD in a tight headlock and begins laying into his forehead and the bridge of his nose with punches before Marc manages to escape by slipping behind..

Krystal Kirk: Eddy Poe gettin’ vicious early on, Spazzy!

Mike Spazz: Fuck yeah, Poe know what he gotta do! 

Marcus manages to hook the arm, wrench and tries to reel Poe into a neckbreaker, but Eddy manages to duck underneath and switch it up into a hammerlock before turning MUD inside out with a lariat!

Krystal Kirk: Woah mama dere was some stank on dat!

Poe doesn’t waste any time removing a turnbuckle cover before he turns around and delivers a punt kick to Marc before mounting and raining down punches and forearm shots.

Krystal Kirk: Yo dis MUD dude be flippin’ script on Poe!

Marcus manages to roll on top and it’s his turn to rain down punch after punch..

Mike Spazz: Don’t be so sure of that, KK!

Poe uses his knowledge of strikes to parry the blow, grab Marcus’ wrists and reel him into a triangle choke!

Krystal Kirk: Lucky for Marc he got some leg strength about him!

MUD manages to escape by kicking Poe away, and he launches a basement dropkick at him as he’s getting to his feet..

Krystal Kirk: If’n ya wanna be makin’ a dood bleed, dat’s one way ta go about it!

Marcus seizes Ed in a headlock and hauls him to his feet before sending him off for an irish whip, but Ed reverses it on him and lets out a roar as he runs after Marcus..

Mike Spazz: Holy cow. Clothesline from hell over the top rope to the floor! 

Marcus tumbles to the floor and crashes into the barricade..

Krystal Kirk: Suicide dive by Poe! 

Poe takes a second to clear the cobwebs before he mounts MUD and delivers a flurry of fast punches before hauling him to his feet, grabbing him by the hair and smashing his face into the ring apron..

Mike Spazz: Now Poe’s gonna smash his face into the barricade! Wait, no..

MUD puts his foot up against the wall to block it and delivers a back elbow to the face, Eddy eating all of it and staggering back. Marcus spins around and drills him to the concrete with a Thesz press and starts raining down punches!

Krystal Kirk: This is a fakkin’FIGHT, Spazz!

Mike Spazz: No shit it’s a first blood match! Did ya want a fuckin’ tea party?

Poe manages to break away with a modified monkey flip and buy himself some time. MUD comes back and tries to put the boots to Poe but Ed rolls away and gets to his feet before he sends MUD over the guard rail and into the crowd with a flying clothesline..

Krystal Kirk: Woah look out, front row!

Marc and Ed both crash into the row of chairs but it doesn’t seem to affect them a whole lot as they just start brawling in the crowd. Poe picks up a chair and simply hurls it at MUD as hard as he can, but Marc deflects it..

Mike Spazz: Right as Poe picks up another chair, MUD just runs over and big boots it into his fuckin’ face!!

Krystal Kirk: An’ drops him wit a DDT right on da chair! Is Poe bleedin’? He oughta be!

Marcus ain’t done yet, he takes an arm and goes to stomp the back of Poe’s head into the concrete, but Ed sweeps him onto his back, grabs a chair and then legdrops it onto his face in a flash! Poe wastes no time dragging Marc back up and hauling him back over the barricade before leaping to the top of it and launching off for an impromptu double knee drop, but MUD gets out of the way and Poe crashes to the concrete..

Krystal Kirk: Marcus now, he ain’ lettin’ Poe dwell on dat! He be bouncin’ the dood’s head off da ring apron! 

Marcus reaches under the ring and throws out another couple of chairs, and a grin comes across his face as he finds a cheese grater!

Mike Spazz: I think catering is gonna be PISSED about this!

Marcus throws the grater at Poe haphazardly, but there’s a metallic clang as he narrowly misses. He doesn’t miss when he throws a chair at his head, however. 

Mike Spazz: Eddy be clutchin’ his head, KK! I think he might be bleeding!

Krystal Kirk: Nuh. But like I said he oughta be!

MUD throws a chair in the ring before picking Ed up and bouncing his head off the apron before rolling him back in. MUD delivers an elbow shot to Poe on the apron before sliding back in himself. 

Krystal Kirk: Marcus Dunne hauls Poe up.. wait, hang on..

Poe explodes with a flurry of punches, elbows and forearms in quick succession before he hauls MUD off for an irish whip..

Mike Spazz: Irish whip, Dunne on the rebound. Poe goes for a high knee! Oof, swing and a miss! Marcus drops the leg! Swing and a miss also!

Poe hauls Marcus back up only to be met with a barrage of elbows to the ribs and an irish whip of Marcus’ own..

Mike Spazz: Poe on the rebound, Marcus lookin’ for that kitchen sink! Hold the fuckin’ phone!

Poe staggers Marcus with an inverted jumping spin kick before he hauls him up onto his shoulders!

Krystal Kirk: PENANCE STARE!

Eddy goes to drop Marcus into the double knee to the face, but Marcus manages to swing free, land on his feet to the side of Poe and hook his arms..

Mike Spazz: TIGER DRIVER RIGHT ON THAT FUCKIN’ CHEESE GRATER! 

Marcus rolls Poe over and just like that, Poe is already starting to bleed heavily! The ref calls for the bell!

*DING~DING~DING!!!*

Mari Moon: The winner of this match via first blood, MARRRCUS URRRIAHHHH DUNNNNE!!

Krystal Kirk: Geezus. Fakkin’ maniacs, I tells ya!

Mike Spazz: Damn fucking right, KK! YUHlapalooza wouldn’t be YUHlapalooza without fn maniacs!

EPIC ELITE CHAMPIONSHIP

Ryden Lauffeyson v Ryan ‘Maverick’ Connors 

*DING~DING~DING!!*

Krystal Kirk: An’ we be steppin’ up da violence right about now wit da Epic Wrestling Elite championship on the line..

With both competitors dressed in standard street-fight regalia of a t-shirt, boots and pads, and jeans, we start our EPIC Elite Championship hardcore match off with as hardcore of a start as we can get, as Ryan Maverick NAILS Ryden with an unprotected chairshot and nearly bends the goddamn thing over his head! 

Mike Spazz: Fuck me dead!!

 Ryden staggers, and Ryan looks for His Blade early, but Ryden manages to shove him off and NAIL the chair back into Ryan’s face! 

Krystal Kirk: Turn ’bout is fair play y’all!

 Ryan drops it, and Ryden sets him up on the ropes near a table to the outside, getting a running start and SPEARING HIM THROUGH TO THE TABLE ON THE OUTSIDE! Both men go down hard, and the referee looks to check on them as Ryan drags himself out from under Ryden. 

Krystal Kirk: Holy cow we gots a busted table already!

 He grabs a piece of the splintered table as Ryden looks to get back to his feet, and as Ryden swings around he BREAKS IT over Ryden’s head-but Ryden shrugs it off! He begs Ryan to hit him again, and Ryan agrees, but now Ryden looks more incensed! He grabs his own piece of the table, and as Ryan fragments his last chunk, Ryden SLAMS the table-half into Ryan’s face and sends him crashing into the apron! 

Mike Spazz: Yo props to this Ryden dude! He’s one tough motherfucker!

 He looks for a Big Boot, but Ryan ducks out of the way, and shocks Ryden’s leg as it collides full force with the turnbuckle! Ryan has other ideas, and hits a Dragon Screw onto Ryden’s injured leg into the ring floor, before falling into a Nightfall Figure Four Leglock! 

Krystal Kirk: DA NIGHTFALL IS ON!! Ryden is in trouble here Spazzy!

Ryan looks to put pressure on Ryden’s leg, and Ryden cries out in pain as he tries to escape! He scrambles for some leverage, but Ryan keeps going, so eventually, Ryden gets the idea to try a rotation onto his back in order to reverse the polarity of the hold! Now Ryan cries out in pain, and Ryden appears to have the leverage, forcing Ryan to break the hold completely! Both men hold their legs as Ryan rolls under the ring for a moment, returning with a kendo stick! He SMACKS a rushing Ryden with it, but Ryden only seems incensed by the blow, rushing Ryan and nailing him with a wicked lariat!  

Mike Spazz: That right there is a lariat ya don’t wanna fuck with!

Ryden rolls Ryan back inside the ring, and pulls him up for an Exploder Suplex into the center of the ring! He covers-but only for two-and rolls out of the ring, looking for a table to set up in the corner, but as he sets it up Ryan sends him through it with a big shotgun dropkick! He covers Ryden, but only nets a two, so instead he heads up to the top rope, throwing the remnants of the table on top of Ryden before going for a Corkscrew Moonsault, but Ryden evades it! Ryden grabs a chunk of table and PUTS RYAN’S HEAD THROUGH IT, causing the current EPIC Elite Champion to stumble before he grabs him in a waistlock-GERMAN SUPLEX-AND A BRIDGE!  

ONE

TWO

THR..

Krystal Kirk: Ryden almost took it home right dere, Spazzy!

Ryan Maverick tries to pull himself back to his feet to evade Ryden, but Ryden looks for one more German Suplex, only for Mav to somehow land on his feet and ram Ryden in the back of the skull with a knee strike! Ryden goes down for a moment, and Maverick rushes forward and blasts him with a double stomp to the back of the head! Ryden goes down hard, and Ryan covers.

ONE

TWO

T…

Mike Spazz: I dunno how, but both these crazy fuckers are back to their feet!

Maverick rolls over and tries to pull Ryden up for His Blade once again, but Ryden has other ideas, forcing Mav off and blasting him with a discus elbow, into a snap suplex, and again into another suplex! He drops Maverick hard on his back, before looking for a sliding boot, but Ryan escapes, baiting Ryden! Ryden looks for one more Lariat that sends Ryan ass-over-head!

Mike Spazz: HAHA! Fuckin WOW that truly is a lariat you don’t wanna fuck with!

ONE

TWO

THRE..NO!

Krystal Kirk: Dat lariat was a hair away from makin’ Ryden a champion! Ryan is still in dis!

 Maverick scrambles back to his feet as Ryden keeps the distance, Ryan stumbling as Ryden sets up for Helgi’s Thrust! He runs-AND AS HE HITS RYAN, HE DROPS PAINFULLY! He clutches his shoulder as Ryan pulls a metal plate out of his t-shirt and drops it to the ground, before hauling Ryden up for His Blade-AND HE HITS IT! 

ONE

TWO

THREE

*DING~DING~DING!!*

Mari Moon: The winner of this bout and STILL the EPIC Wrestling Elite champion, RYANNN ‘MAVERICK’ CONNNNORS!!

 Mike Spazz: Holy fuck KK, there’s table everywhere!

Krystal Kirk: Ya damn right! Deez doods busted wood and ass! Congrats ta Ryno ovah dere on retainin! Let’s go get us anudder match shall we?

Billy Danielson & Kayla Richards V  Drake Connors & Analicia 

As Drake and Analicia enter the ring and pose together, both Billy and Kayla begin laying into them with ambush strikes from behind!  

Mike Spazz: What the fuck is this now?

Kayla throws Analicia into the corner as Drake tries to fight back, but he eats a Chicago Blackout from Billy and a Roaring Elbow from Kayla that sends Drake to the outside! Billy lets Kayla head to the apron as he starts the match off, and as the referee checks on Analicia and she confirms her want to fight, the bell rings and we’re off! 

*DING~DING~DING!!*

Krystal Kirk: Lookin’ like it’s Analicia an’ Danielson starting things off!

Billy descends upon Ana like a vulture, drilling her into the corner with a set of Shotgun Knees before he looks for a big Exploder Suplex into the corner, dropping Ana hard on her neck! She cries out in pain, but if he has any remorse he doesn’t show it as he drags her to her feet and pulls her up for the Big Match Driver, but somehow Analicia’s able to counter it into a ‘rana that sends Billy scrambling to his feet as she NAILS him with a dropkick! 

Mike Spazz: That’s one way of getting out of that! Analicia lining up now..

 She lines up for a snap sliding elbow, but Kayla grabs her hair and holds her in place as Billy DRILLS her with a Big Boot to the jaw, before following up with a Wrist-Clutch Exploder into a cover! 

ONE

TWO

Mike Spazz: Billy don’t look happy he’s only gettin’ a two count off that shit!

 Drake climbs up on the apron and looks for a tag, but Billy drags her back into the center and grabs her legs, holding her in place with a Boston Crab! Ana cries out in pain as Billy deepens the hold, but she begins to twist, and he can’t maintain, trying to switch over to a Single Leg Boston Crab, but instead being felled by a BODY SCISSORS GUILLOTINE CHOKE! 

Krystal Kirk: Analicia be cranking tha body scissors Yo! 

Ana pushes for the submission, but Billy manages to somehow get an arm loose and make a long-tag to Kayla, who seems to be slightly out of her corner, but the referee appears to have been distracted by Drake yelling about it! Kayla gets a running start and STOMPS Ana’s head into the canvas! Billy rolls to the outside as Kayla looks for a Danielson Special, but somehow Ana manages to overrotate and land on her feet, although the stomp appears to have taken her out of it as Kayla drills her with a kick to the head followed up by another Danielson Special, and she locks this one in!  

Krystal Kirk: DANIELSON SPECIAL! Dis one is a real bitch of a submission! Da look on Analicia says it all!

Ana looks to be in agony as Drake watches, helplessly, on the outside! Kayla taunts him to throw in the towel, and he tells her to fuck off. He beats on the apron and tells Ana to beat it, and eventually she forces her way up, somehow managing to roll Kayla onto her shoulders-one, two, NO! Kayla escapes-AND RUNS HEADFIRST INTO A KNEE FROM ANA! 

Mike Spazz: Desperation knee!!

Ana looks for a tag to Drake to get a reprieve, but Billy sweeps Drake off of the apron and takes him down to the ringside area, leaving Ana without a way out! She turns into a Step-Up Enziguri from Kayla, who looks for another Butterfly Suplex, but Ana blocks it and drops her HARD with a Butterfly Backbreaker! She looks for the Coravine, and she tightens the hold, pressing her knee into Kayla’s back! The referee is transfixed by the hold, and as Kayla bucks to escape, she sends Ana back into the ref and bumps him!  

Mike Spazz: Referee down! Fuckin’ referee down! Oh geez..

Danielson grabs a beer from someone in the crowd as Ana’s trying to figure out what’s happened, and SLAMS it into Ana’s face, sending her out onto the apron as he does so!  

Krystal Kirk: Dafuq man?! They can’t be doin’ dat shiz!

Mike Spazz: Ya damn right KK! That fan paid for that fuckin’ beer!

He pulls her up for a Big Match Driver-AND NAILS HER INTO THE APRON WITH IT! He rolls her back in for Kayla to make a cover as the ref comes to!

ONE

TWO

THRE..No!! 

Krystal Kirk: DRAKE CONNORS BREAKS IT UP WITH A DOUBLE STOMP! 

Kayla releases the pin as Drake rebounds off of the ropes and hits a BIG SUICIDE SPEAR ONTO DANIELSON! He beats on the mat for Ana to get back to her feet, slowly but surely, pulling Kayla up with her-but Kayla shoves her off! Kayla looks for a roundhouse kick and lands it, before pulling her in for the Danielson Special-BUT ANA COUNTERS-EVENSTAR DRIVER OUT OF FUCKING NOWHERE! ANA COVERS-

ONE 

TWO

THREE

*DING~DING~DING!!*

Mari Moon: The winners of this match, ANNNALICIA and DRRRRAKE CONNNNORS!!

 Mike Spazz: Fuckin’ knew this was gonna be a dark horse of a match. Loved the whole thing here! Look at THIS though! Kayla and Billy ain’t happy! 

Richards and Danielson angrily kick the barricade walls on their way back up the ramp as Drake and Ana smile and wave.

Krystal Kirk: Damn right they ain’t! A lot ridin’ on dat match! We gonna go to commercial and when we come back, we gots Angel Kusanagi versus Cass Baumer!

Cass Baumer v  Angel Kusanagi 

Krystal Kirk: An’ in typical Kusanagi fashion!

As Cass reaches the bottom of the ramp, rolling into the ring, Angel charges forward, driving a boot into the side of her opponents face and kicking her back into the ropes. She continues to lay into Baumer with kicks, screaming at the top of her lungs, until the referee gets between them, backing Angel off. He bends down to check on Cass, who waves him off, getting to her feet and yelling at him to “ring the damned bell”.


*DING~DING~DING!!*

The referee does just that, and Angel sprints in, throwing a series of chops and kicks at Baumer, who slaps aside and checks what she can, though some of the strikes still manage to get through. Cass is backed into her own corner as Angel continues her assault, driving a kick into the front of the New Zealander’s knee, forcing her to drop across the middle rope. 

Mike Spazz: Precarious fuckin’ position for Baumer to be in right here!

 Angel rushes through onto the apron, screaming as she moves to the opposite corner before turning and sprinting back. She goes for the big boot, but Baumer backs out at the last second, causing the unhinged Japanese woman to miss, but she catches herself before hitting the ring post. She turns to look at Baumer only to catch a face full of boot as Cass hits a rope assisted enzuigiri! Angel tumbles down to the floor, swearing. She gets to her hands and knees, shaking her head and cursing before rising to her feet just in time for Cass to come flying in between the top and middle ropes with a suicide dive, leveling Angel!

Krystal Kirk: Hell to the YEAH! Baumer wit da suicide dive sendin’ Kusanagi flying!


Cass gets to her feet, yelling out a yell and nodding her head, getting the crowd here at #YUHlapalooza on their feet

Crowd: RUN CASS RUN CASS RUN CASS!!

 Baumer tosses Angel back into the ring. Cass immediately follows her inside, running to hit the ropes and coming back for the penalty kick, but Angel rolls out of the way, sweep kicking Baumer’s foot out from underneath her, which causes the Kiwi to slam down face first on the mat. Angel is on top of her immediately, throwing hard punches into Cass’ face. One blow hits hard, immediately bloodying Baumer’s nose as the referee pulls on the gloves. Angel pulls the Headliner to her feet, delivering a hard series of chops, punches, and kicks, dazing Cass as she wobbles. Angel turns to walk away… 

Mike Spazz: STEEL FEATHER!

 The brutal spin kick catches Baumer flush on the chin, causing her knees to buckle before giving out completely, falling onto her back. Angel shoots in for the cover

ONE

TWO

TH..

Angel rolls Baumer over, looking for 50 SHADES OF PAIN, but Cass fights out of it, still seeming to be a bit dazed. Angel hits the rope, diving for a crossbody on the rebound, but Cass rolls under, getting to her feet as Angel kips up and turns to face her from the other side. Kusanagi throws a hard kick, but Cass catches it, dropping a hard elbow on Angel’s knee. Angel screams out, limping a bit before turning back toward Baumer.. 

Krystal Kirk: Swing around and FACT CHECK OUT OF NOWHERE!

 Cass rolls Angel up, hooking the back leg to gain the three count and the victory!

*DING~DING~DING!!*

Mari Moon: The winner of this match as the result of a pinfall, CASS BAUUUUMMMERRR!

Mike Spazz: These two are absolutely at war! Yet where Kusanagi may be the deathmatch queen, Baumer has won this fuckin’ wrestling contest!

Krystal Kirk: Oh yeah, an’ Angel ain’ too pleased about it! Let’s keep da pace of dis broadcast and go to our next bout!

Coda v  Poison Dokueki

The match doesn’t even get a chance to start properly before Poison Dokueki lunges at Coda with a running elbow, taking her down to the mat and then proceeding to dive, ground and pound on Coda!

Krystal Kirk: Woah! Dokueki ain’ even gon’ wait for dat bell!

*DING~DING~DING!!*

Dokueki lets out an angry roar as she pulls Coda forward and moves in to deliver a crushing headbutt, yet Coda is able to employ a modified monkey flip and kick Dokueki away, allowing her to get to her feet.

Mike Spazz: Standing fuckin’ dropkick and the dragon bitch hits the deck!

Coda drops the leg but Dokueki moves, Coda clutching her lower back as she swings and misses. Dokueki hauls Coda up to her feet and irish whips her into the corner.

Krystal Kirk: Dokueki runnin’ in! OOF! Naaasty corner lariat dere!

Dokueki smirks menacingly as she allows Coda to slump in the corner, soaking up the negative reaction from the Kettering university crowd before stepping out and taking another run up..

Mike Spazz: HAH! And Dokueki whiffs with that running face wash! Coda pulled down the second rope and dragon bitch done took a second rope to the cu..

Krystal Kirk: CODA NOW, seizin’ control! 

Coda drags Dokueki out of the corner via a snapmare and Dokueki balls up her fists and winces as Coda delivers a punishing spine kick before taking Dokueki in a headlock and hauling her back up, yet Dokueki breaks free with a flurry of elbows to the ribs, lets out a roar and delivers a brutal european uppercut!

*SMACK!*

Mike Spazz: Coda gets fuckin’ rocked by that eurocut! And she responds in kind!

Dokueki staggers back as Coda’s brow furrows and she snaps off her own european uppercut..

*SMACK!*

Coda’s head snaps back and spittle flies as Dokueki rears back and pops off another european uppercut!

*SMACK!

Coda seems to be out on her feet as she nearly falls back, and Dokueki lets out a roar as she rears back for another one, yet Coda manages to grab the arm in time to block the shot and drills her with her own, taking advantage of Dokueki’s stunned state to leap up and nail her with a step up enziguri!

Krystal Kirk: Cover by Coda! One, two, kick out by Dokueki! There don’t seem ta be no love lost ‘tween deez gurls, Spazzy!

Mike Spazz: Ya tellin’ me! Just a couple o’ angry Asian chicks smackin’ each other around, KK! Mikey is here for it!!

Krystal Kirk: Course he is! Coda haulin’ the dragon lady to her feet, irish whip..

Dokueki hits the ropes, ducking a clothesline attempt by Coda and picking up speed by hitting the ropes again. Coda ducks down in anticipation for a backdrop..

Mike Spazz: Kick to the fuckin’ face!! YOW! SHINING BLACK! The big boot shining wizard connects! This could be over!

ONE

TWO

THR..

Krystal Kirk: Listen ta dis crowd, Mike! Coda gets da shoulda up!!

Dokueki is FURIOUS as Coda is still in this match. She immediately gets to her feet and yells obscenities at the fans in Japanese, leaning over the top rope and taunting them.

Mike Spazz: I dunno what this bitch said, but it sounded fuckin’ cool! Crowd don’t like it though..

Dokueki is too busy cussing the Michigan fans out that she doesn’t catch Coda stalking from behind, and she eats a slingshot dropkick to the back for her trouble, getting pulled into a tight roll up!

ONE

TWO

T..

Dokueki angrily powers out, rolling back and getting to a knee..

Krystal Kirk: S’NATA KNEE from Coda!!

ONE

TWO

THR..

Mike Spazz: Gotta give it to the dragon bitch, she’s tough! Close two count!

Dokueki seems to be having real problems, and Coda seems to know what she has to to as she takes an arm and hauls Dokueki up..

Krystal Kirk: Coda swingin’ Dokueki around! She be goin’ for that reverse STO!

As Coda tries to set up for the Rhapsody, Dokueki nails Coda with a backfist and then cleverly takes her over with a judo-inspired hip toss before hauling Coda up over her shoulders..

Mike Spazz: I fuckin’ know what this is! I love this move! DRAGON’S LAST D..huh??

The crowd get right behind Coda as she slips out of the shoulder rack and lands on her feet behind Dokueki, taking to her with a desperation flurry of elbows, kicks and palm strikes, only to be cut short with a face full of Dokueki’s mist!

Krystal Kirk: I hate it! I dun even fakkin’ know what it is and I hate it! 

Mike Spazz: That mist shit is toxic as fuck, KK! Coda’s well and truly in Dokueki’s control now!

Dokueki hauls Coda back up and with a roar, hauls Coda back up into the shoulder rack once again.

Krystal Kirk: Wait! Dokueki is headed for the corner!

Dokueki places Coda on the top turnbuckle before she climbs up there herself, hauling Coda up in the shoulder rack..

Mike Spazz: You gotta be fuckin’ with me! This is how ya kill a bitch!!

The crowd is on its feet as Dokueki moves to deliver the burning hammer off the top rope..

Krystal Kirk: WHAT? Coda slipped out and landed on her feet on da top! Oh MY! Dokueki is up in da shoulda rack now!

The fans explode and Dokueki hits the mat HARD as Coda connects with the avalanche death valley driver!

Krystal Kirk: OMEGA HAMMA! OMEGA HAMMA!!

ONE

TWO

THREE!!

*DING~DING~DING!!*

Mari Moon: The winner of this contest as the result of a pinfall – COOOOOOOOODAAAAAA!!

Mike Spazz: What a fuckin’ MATCH, KK! These two half killed each other! Appreciate their work!

Krystal Kirk: You ain’ wrong there, Spazzy! Holy cow. We be goin’ to a brief intamission now folks, YUHlapalooza will be back ta kick ya ass, stay tuned!

NVR SAN FRANCISCO OPENWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP
LADDER TRIPLE THREAT

Debby Haze v Keiji Sugiwara v  Arley Kirk 

*DING~DING~DING!!*

All three competitors take a second to stare longingly at the NVR San Francisco Openweight title suspended on a cable 25 ft in the air before Debby and Arley lock up..

Krystal Kirk: Debby goin’ fo da snapmare, but Arley throws her off and spins her around! OOF, now DAT is a europeen uppacut!

Debby staggers with the force, Keiji swings Arley around and catches her with an impromptu pele kick, knocking her on her behind.

Mike Spazz: Running missile dropkick to Keiji by Debby! Fuckin’ basement dropkick right to Arley’s moosh!

Debby gets back up and gets the crowd involved with one of her trademark taunts before she turns back around right in time for Keiji nearly taking off her head with a yakuza kick!

Krystal Kirk: OOF! impact! 

Arley gets back up and takes Keiji’s arm, trying to send him off for an irish whip, but Keiji reverses and Arley hits the ropes instead..

Krystal Kirk: Cuzzy ain’t gon’ be fooled by no yakuza kick, Spazz! Didja see the agility on that matrix evasion?!

Arley kips back up and Keiji gets nailed with a spinning headscissors takedown that sends him spilling out between the middle and bottom rope!

Mike Spazz: Look out AK! Haze is fuckin’ comin’ atcha!

Debby lets out a roar and lunges at Arley with a running forearm smash..

Krystal Kirk: HAH! Smart coyote!

Arley managed to evade by yanking down the top rope as well as sending Debby spilling to the outside..

Crowd: WOAHHHHH!!!

Arley Kirk takes one look and starts her run up before launching to the middle rope and then to the top in a smooth motion..

Krystal Kirk: She gon’ FLY!!

Mike Spazz: FUCKIN BITCH IS CRAY CRAY, Y’ALL! Double bounce shooting star press to the outside onto Haze and Sugiwara!! That was a fuckin’ thing of beauty!!

Krystal Kirk: It sure was, Mike! The body pile? Not so much!

It’s Arley who is the first to get up, getting a huge pop from her hometown crowd..

Arley Kirk: YUH, BITCHIGAN!!

There’s a rumble of laughter from the fans and then a clattering of aluminium as Arley found the ladders underneath the ring and started hurling them inside. As Arley looked under the ring one more time, she was cut off by Keiji and Debby who each took an arm and then bounce Arley’s head off the apron, AK dropping like a stone.

Krystal Kirk: C’mon cuzzy, ya don’t need three laddas anyhoo!

 Keiji falls to the same fate once Debby lets go of Arley and then Debby rolls Keiji inside.

Mike Spazz: Don’t tell the lady what she don’t want, KK. Dafuq she don’t need three ladders! 

Arley slowly gets back to her feet, but she falls down to a knee temporarily..

Krystal Kirk: I been tellin’ this one what she don’t need mosta her life, Mike. Butt outta this!

As Keiji uses the ropes to help himself up, Debby grabs one of the ladders.

Krystal Kirk: Debby settin’ a ladder up in da middle! She goin’ fo da gold? C’mon gurl!!

Debby telegraphs Keiji’s attempt at a running thrusting side kick by leaping to the other side of the ladder!

Mike Spazz: I believe she fuckin’ is, KK! Great agility on show by Haze!

Debby looks around and sees that the coast seems to be clear as she continues to climb. 

Mike Spazz: Haze is nearly at the top! Oh! Shit! Sugiwara dropkicks that ladder out from under her!

Debby clings to the belt cable as the ladder crashes to the mat..

Krystal Kirk: Waitaminute!!! AK is up!!

Keiji has no choice but to look on as Arley springs to the top rope, leaps and grabs hold of Debby’s legs!

Mike Spazz: She’s climbin’ that bitch like a fuckin’ jungle vine…what the hell?!

Crowd: HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT!!

Krystal Kirk: Arley launched up her body and nailed Debby with a hurracanfakkin’rana off the suspension cable!! ARE YA YANKIN’ ME??

Keiji grimaced twice as Debby fell to the canvas followed by Arley and then he looks around and shrugs, popping a goofy grin and pointing at the carnage. Debby rolls out underneath the bottom rope to the floor, and Arley seems to be out cold..

Mike Spazz: I said it once I’ll say it again, KK. Ya cousin is one crazy bitch!

Krystal Kirk: Ya don’ have ta live wif it, Spazzy!

Keiji picks up the slightly bent ladder and sets it in position for the climb. He then looks over at the untouched ladder and he places it in the corner out of the way.

Mike Spazz: Keiji could fuckin’ have all this shit, and he knows it right about now!

Keiji looks down at Arley and the crowd cheers as he gives them the signal.

Mike Spazz: I fuckin’ love this! He rolls, he flips, he fuckin’ tumbles – LOADED FOR B.. yow!!!

There is a groan from the crowd as Keiji eats all of Arley’s modified, quick as lightning rendition of taste defeet! Keiji’s head snaps back dangerously and he appears to flop on the mat for a second before falling still.

Krystal Kirk: Cuzzy be playin’ footsies right dere! Luvz it! Keiji looks like he fakkin’ DIED!

Arley takes a final look up at the title and then back at Keiji before she starts to climb the ladder, and there’s a sudden loud pop as Debby gets back in the ring and ascends the ladder on the other side!

Mike Spazz: Someone’s gonna get fuckin’ hurt here and I can’t wait! Punches back and forth on their way up! 

Arley throws a right at Debby as they get to the top, but Debby blocks and bounces Arley’s head off the top rung..

Krystal Kirk: LOOK OUT y’all! Keiji back to his feet! Running dropkick at da bottom of da ladder!!

Mike Spazz: TIMMMMMBERRR!!

The ladder topples and then falls. Debby Haze goes sprawling to the outside, and Arley Kirk falls perfectly in the middle of the ladder in the corner, bouncing off and falling to the mat.

Mike Spazz: Dangerous bumps, KK. These kids take some dangerous fuckin’ bumps..

Keiji has the crowd eating out the palm of his hand as he points to the title belt and then sets the ladder up underneath it one more time.

Krystal Kirk: Keiji’s on his way to da promise land!

As Arley uses the bottom rungs to get to her feet, Keiji gets to the top of the ladder..

Mike Spazz: Does Keiji have enough time to unclip that motherfucker?!

The answer turns out to be no, as Arley launches her way up those rungs and delivers a european uppercut..

Krystal Kirk: KIRKENSTEINER OFF THE LADDER!!

Keiji hits hard and bounces out of the ring onto Debby as she’s getting up! Arley promptly sets up the ladder again and quickly makes her way up it.

Krystal Kirk: Debby is back in!! Da ladder dissafakkin’pears out from under AK just as her feet leave da top rung!

Arley clings to the cable for a split second before she manages to unclip the title, and it falls to the mat alongside her as she lays there panting and dazed and “Global Domination” hits the P.A.

Mari Moon: The winner of this ladder match, and STILL your NVR San Francisco Openweight champion, ARRRRRLEY KIRRRRRK!!

Mike Spazz: What a fuckin’ MATCH! That was some exhilarating shit! These kids may look a little fuckin’ strange and they do some messed up shit with their bodies, but I’m telling ya, this is the fuckin’ future!

Grinning, Arley gets to her feet in agony, clutching her midsection as the referee hands her the belt and holds up her arm, Arley holding the Openweight title high with her free hand to a loud pop..

Krystal Kirk: I don’t wanna be all like dis, Spazzy. But DAT’S HER! DAT’S DA OPENWEIGHT CHAMPION! DAT’S MAH CUZ!

Mike Spazz: Bitch, we get it! We…woah hang on a fuckin’ second!!

Out of nowhere, Poison Dokueki emerges from the crowd with a steel chair and the sound of it crashing over Arley’s head as she makes her way up the ramp reverberates through Kettering university.

Krystal Kirk: Dafuq? What a callous attack! Dafuq is Dokueki’s problem?!

Crowd: BOOOO!!!

Mike Spazz: Look at Dokueki grabbin’ AK by the hair and just pounding her face into the ramp!

Krystal Kirk: Someone has gotta do sum’in! COME ON CUZZY!! 

Arley manages to kick her way free, but it only gives Dokueki time to grab that chair again and slam it down on Arley’s ankle! Arley clutches said ankle and writhes in pain as Dokueki grabs her by the hair once more and wraps the chair around Arley’s throat..

Mike Spazz: Dokueki is gonna fuckin’ kill her right here!

There is a pop and a burst of static as Krystal rapidly removes her headset. However, KK didn’t need to worry!

Mike Spazz: SUPERMAN ELBOW from Keiji Sugiwara!! Dokueki goes down like a sack of shit!!

Krystal replaces her headset and sits back down.

Krystal Kirk: An’ a barricade-assisted PURPLE HAZE to Dokueki onto da ramp!

Keiji scoops Arley up and Debby picks up her title and clips it around her waist before Keiji and Debby help the wounded SF Openweight champion backstage.

Mike Spazz: No matter if ya just took ’em to hell and back in an insane ladder match, never ever forget who the fuck ya friends are!

Krystal Kirk: Dey are good kids, Spazzy. Crazy but good. Speaking of crazy but good, I can’t wait for dis! UP NEXT we gots da tag tornado cage match between Squiggly an’ Tren versus Griff an’ Lash so y’all wanna fakkin’ stay tuned!

STEEL CAGE TORNADO TAG

SQUIGGLY THE CLOWN & TREN DESCARRILADO  V  GRIFFIN HAWKINS & LASH DONOHUE 

*DING~DING~DING!!*

The match begins with all four men in the ring. The four of them meet right in the middle and they begin to exchange punches. Griffin and Tren square off and Lash and Squiggly do the same.  

Mike Spazz: Griffin and Lash are punchin’ the clown right now! Haha.

Krystal Kirk: We swore dat we weren’t gon’ do dis bit, Spazzy..

Griffin has Tren, sending him into the ropes. Tren comes off the ropes and is met with a clothesline by Griffin. He then picks Tren up and sends him face first into the cage. Tren’s face bounces off the cage and as he hits the mat, he’s laughing. 

Krystal Kirk: Dafuq is wrong with dis dude?!

 He looks up at Griffin who takes Tren and again throws him right into the cage. He does this a few more times before he delivers a DDt to Tren. Meanhwile, Lash is in the corner where Squiggly is mounted and delivers a series of punches before leaning down and biting at Lash’s forehead. Squiggly then drops down and takes Lash and pulls him out of the corner into a short arm clothesline.

Mike Spazz: Yeesh! Big impact on that short arm, Yo!

Squiggles looks down and chuckles before taking Lash and delivering the Punchline. Squiggles makes his way over to a side of the cage and begins to climb up it. Lash though is able to recover in time as he gets to his feet, climbs up to meet Squiggles as Griffin turns around to help. Griffin grabs Squiggles and puts him into a powerbomb position. Lash looks on from the ropes and leaps, delivering a clothesline to Squiggles.

Krystal Kirk: I just knew somehow dat deez guys would be good as a team! Ya can say dat bout both teams tbh!

 Tren however is up and right there as he picks Lash up and right into a series of rolling Northern Light suplexes before taking Lash and dragging him towards the cage and raking his face against the metal. Lash screams in pain, but Tren doesn’t let up. He just grins wickedly as he takes Lash and brings him to his feet before delivering a piledriver.

Krystal Kirk: Yow! Lash bounced, Spazzy!

In the corner near the door, Squiggles and Griffin are fighting it out. Griffin is getting the better hand as he’s delivering a couple of right hands before he backs up to get as good of a running start as he can and he delivers a spear to Squiggles that drives him into the door, busting it open and the two of them spilling to the outside and hitting the floor leaving just Lash and Tren now. 

Mike Spazz:  Holy shit! And just like that, this tornado tag team match is half over! By hook or by fuckin crook, Squiggly the clown and Griffin Hawkins have escaped the cage!!

Tren and Lash are up to their feet, squaring off right now. They circle the ring before locking up in the middle. Lash immedediately takes Tren and sends him into the ropes. Tren comes off the ropes and as he does, Lash takes him down with a double leg takedown before getting into the mount position and delivering a series of punches. Lash rolls off, letting out a scream, but looking shocked as he looks down and sees Tren just laughing to himself. Tren sits up, but as he does, Lash hits the ropes and delivers a shining wizard right to the temple. Lash doesn’t stop there though as he picks Tren up and snapmares him before delivering Kickin Back! Lash then makes his way to one of the cage walls and begins to climb up it. He gets about halfway up before Tren pops up and comes over to meet him there.

Krystal Kirk: Look dafuq out!!

Tren pulls Lash down onto the ropes and the two begin to fight there. They exchange lefts and rights with each other before Tren just takes Lash’s head and smashes it into the cage over and over again before Lash drops down, crotching himself on the ropes. Tren laughs and steadies himself as he picks Lash back up and sets him up. He takes Lash and delivers Derailed from the top rope! 

Mike Spazz: This Descarrilado guy ain’t fuckin’ around!

 Lash is out cold it looks like, but soon he begins to move and Tren doesn’t stop. He takes Lash and picks him up once again, this time delivering End of the Line! Tren now gets to his feet and begins to scale the cage. He makes it to the top when Lash finally begins to stir a little bit, but Tren doesn’t stop, he climbs over the top of the cage and down the side before both feet hit the ground.

*DING~DING~DING!!* 

Mari Moon: The winners of this match due to both teammates escaping the cage, SQUIGGLY THE CLOWN and TREN DESCARRILADO!!

Mike Spazz: Fuck me dead. Just when you think this show can’t get any more brutal or entertaining, these guys come along and smack that preconception around! I can’t wait for this fuckin’ main event, Krystal!

Krystal Kirk: Ya don’t gotta, Spazzy! Its coming up NEXT!

ICW WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP  

RISA “Super Tiger” SAITO v. “The Aviator” Graham Baker
I QUIT MATCH 

*DING~DING~DING!!*

Krystal Kirk: Dis main event of da evening is gon’ be an absolute BANGA, y’all. Hang onto ya fakkin’ hats!

The referee takes Baker’s belt from him, and clears the ring as Tiger and Baker step forward. Baker offers a handshake, but Tiger shakes her head, and instead motions for Baker to get back in his corner. 

Mike Spazz: AND TIGER’S ON BAKER WITH A MASSIVE HESITATION DROPKICK INTO THE CORNER! 

 She drags The Aviator to his feet, and belts him with a rough kick to the face, sending him into the ropes before she hits them for a rebound-DROPKICK TO SEND BAKER TO THE APRON! Tiger makes her way to the top rope as Baker tries to recover, and she goes for a Phoenix Splash-but Baker catches her!  

Krystal Kirk: Dis could be bad for da challenga, Spazzy!

Baker looks almost surprised-BUT TIGER SNAPS INTO A ‘RANA THAT SENDS BAKER CRASHING INTO THE BARRICADES ON THE OUTSIDE! She grabs the ropes, springboarding-MOONSAULT onto Graham Baker!

Mike Spazz: Woah, Woah, Woah! Tiger is fuckin’ ON IT tonight!

The fans go wild at this spree of offense from the Super Tiger, who looks to have taken the ICW World Heavyweight Champion by surprise. She drags Baker back to his feet, and throws him back into the ring, before climbing up onto the apron. She looks for a Springboard Phoenix Splash, but Baker’s quick to recover-at least momentarily-and he catches Tiger for a Sidewinder Suplex that dumps her hard on her neck!  

Krystal Kirk: Sidewinder suplex an’ Tiggy be landing awkward!

Baker takes a breather for a moment while Tiger rolls to her feet, rushing Baker for a sliding elbow strike to the jaw! She slides through the ropes as she does so, looping around for a dropkick, but Baker somehow pops her up and catches her for a Pop-Up Powerbomb!  

Mike Spazz: Baker keeps pulling these fuckin’ crazy manoeuvres outta the blue! 

Baker staggers, but pulls Tiger back up to her feet, looking to do some early damage with his Reap What You Sow Spinning Tombstone Piledriver, but Tiger counters and lands on her feet, looking for a running knee to Baker-but Baker counters with a knee of his own! He hauls Tiger up into the powerbomb position, drawing a line across his throat and getting a running start-AND HE FUCKING POWERBOMBS HER INTO THE CROWD!  

Mike Spazz: Fuckin’ YEET!!!

Krystal Kirk: Don’t be tellin’me ya one of dem people!

But Baker’s not done yet, rebounding off of the ropes as Super Tiger tries to recover, getting decent momentum-SUICIDE SPEAR INTO TIGER IN THE CROWD! The crowd begins to scatter as Tiger and Baker try to pull themselves back up, Baker appearing to have started bleeding early into this match! 

Krystal Kirk: The amount of blood on dis show. Holy fakk..

Baker drags himself up on a chair, while Tiger does the same. He gives her props with a nod, but she seems unhappy as of yet, grabbing a chair and taking a wild swing at Baker, who ducks it and tries to pop her up for a backdrop suplex into the chairs, but Tiger manages to evade Baker and land on her feet, before she blasts him in the knee with a rough shoot kick! Baker stumbles back into the barricade, and Tiger takes advantage of this to grab a chair and BRING IT DOWN on Baker’s already-bleeding head, The Aviator doing nothing to protect himself from the concussive blast!  

*SMASH!!*

Mike Spazz: FUCK ME!!

Baker staggers into the ringside area as Tiger keeps the chair with her, swinging-DOWN HARD on Baker’s back! Tiger manages to get Baker back inside the ring once again, and this time, she looks for another Pheonix Splash- 

Krystal Kirk: Super Tiger landing RIGHT ONTO THE LEG OF THE AVIATOR! GEEZUS!!

Baker cries out in pain as Tiger looks for her Tiger Tamer, but Baker has other ideas, kicking Tiger in the jaw as she looks for it! He blasts her with another stiff kick, and another, and another, but Tiger tries to keep the hold locked in! A fifth kick from Baker forces Tiger to release it, and Baker pulls her in with a double underhook-BUTTERFLY BACKBREAKER to the Super Tiger! She cries out in pain as her spine collides with his knee, and Baker rolls her off, before grabbing her legs and looking for a Boston Crab! She scrambles for the ropes, but as Baker tightens his hold, she instead nails his already-damaged leg and traps him with a Body Scissors! She looks for a Guillotine Choke to capitalize, but Baker keeps himself moving, going for the ropes for leverage! He keeps Tiger from locking the hold all the way in, rolling them both out to the apron, and managing to get a hand on her head-AND SLAMMING IT INTO THE APRON! ONCE! TWICE! THREE TIMES! 

Baker forces Tiger to release the hold, and grabs hold of the ropes, pulling himself up as she does the same. The shots to the apron have caused Tiger to begin bleeding visibly through her mask, and Baker pulls himself up despite the damage sustained from the semi-calf crusher and the body scissors. He taps his knee, looking for his 1789, but Tiger counters with a leaping kick to the skull!  

Mike Spazz: Tiger is keeping sharp out there, KK! Good form by the challenger..

Baker staggers, and Tiger blasts him with a step-up knee, before leapfrogging over him, landing behind him, climbing up to the top rope-TORNADO DDT TO BAKER ON THE APRON! Baker’s spiked, and slumps down to the outside, half of his leg still up on the apron-but Tiger gets an idea! She yanks Baker’s leg back under the ropes, and drags him over to the ringpost, before wrapping his leg around the post-FIGURE FOUR LEG LOCK WHILE BAKER HANGS ON THE OUTSIDE!

Krystal Kirk: Dis is just fakkin’ murder live on PPV here, Spazz! Ya don’t see Tiger gettin’ vicious like dis too off’n!

 The referee yells for her to cut it out, and Baker cries out in pain, but Tiger keeps it locked in! She eventually releases the hold, and Baker falls hard to the outside, but Tiger’s unwilling to let him get away so easily. She climbs to the top rope, crossing herself as Baker drags himself to the barricade, and looks for a Phoenix Splash-but Baker shoves himself out of the way and sends her, back-first, onto the metal barricade! She crumples down next to it, and Baker takes a moment on the outside to try and put weight on his leg! 

Mike Spazz: Pretty much every fuckin match on this show has resulted in some kinda body pile, and the main event is no exception!

Finding it not as damaged as initially thought, Baker stomps the feeling back into his leg before he grabs Tiger and drags her back into the ring, rolling her in. He goes to the top rope and looks for Feet First, but Tiger rolls out of the way! Tiger gets to the ropes despite the pain in her back-TIGER SNARE to Graham Baker! Baker staggers, and Tiger looks to hit a Dragon Screw onto his damaged leg, but he instead kicks her leg out, causing her to drop hard to the canvas, and follows up with a Mushroom Stomp onto the Super Tiger!  

Krystal Kirk: I always be worrying dat move is gon’ kill a MF one day..

Baker staggers for a moment, and pulls his kneepad down, looking for an early end to this match with a 1789 to Super Tiger, but she rolls out of the way as Baker looks for the knee, rolling him through before looking for the Calf Crusher again, but Baker manages to counter! Baker blasts her with repeated kicks to the face, and forces her off! 

Mike Spazz: Baker looking to be in trouble with that leg of his, KK!

Baker tries to get to his feet, stomping his leg back into place as Tiger pulls herself back to her feet, looking worse for wear-but Baker rushes forward for a knee and she manages to leapfrog him! She looks for an Inverted ‘Rana, but Baker counters with a hard ALABAMA SLAM into the buckles! Tiger slumps, and Baker hits the ropes, rebounding-METEORA TO THE BACK OF TIGER’S SKULL! Baker hauls her up and locks in a Sleeper Hold as he rolls back into the center of the ring-and Tiger looks like she might be done for! Baker chokes the life out of her, sinching the hold in tighter and tighter, but Tiger fights against it! She scrambles for the ropes for leverage-AND SHE GETS THEM! Baker releases his hold, but as Tiger tries to recover-BOOT TO THE SKULL! She slumps down on the ropes, and Baker rolls out of the ring, reaching under and dragging a metal garbage can out. He rolls it into the ring, and climbs back in, looking to Tiger as he removes something from the can-it’s a light tube!

Krystal Kirk: Dis match has had it all! Dafuq is Baker planning on doin wit dis light tube?

Mike Spazz: The fuck do you think, woman?

Baker motions for Tiger to get back to her feet, and she ducks the light tube swing before trying to turn it around on Baker with a backstabber, but the resultant collision showers both Baker and Tiger! Baker struggles as Tiger tries to lock a sleeper in, but he’s able to use his bulk to get up with Tiger on his shoulders. He loosens her grip with repeated back-blows into the buckles, before trying to pop Tiger into position for a Piledriver, but Tiger manages to evade it and blast Baker with a wicked Enziguri! Baker staggers back into the corner, and Tiger considers another dropkick, before looking to the garbage can. She grabs a whole bundle of tubes, and lays them against Baker before getting a running start- 

Mike Spazz: METEORA THROUGH THE FUCKING TUBES! 

Baker’s bloodied now, and Tiger’s knees appear to have sustained some superficial damage from the blow, but she’s not letting the blood slow her down! She grabs Baker and stomps hard on the leg she’s been targeting, doing more and more damage as Baker tries to escape, but as Tiger tries to lock the Calf Crusher in, Baker scrambles for leverage and manages to get it! With his other leg still free, he blasts Tiger with a rough kick off the skull that staggers her severely! Baker manages to get back to his feet, but not without difficulty as Tiger rebounds off the ropes AND SENDS HERSELF AND BAKER TO THE OUTSIDE WITH A MASSIVE CROSSBODY! 

Krystal Kirk: Super Tiger wants this! She wants it so fakkin’ bad! But Baker ain’ about ta just let her have dis!

Both hit the ringside area hard, and Baker tries to gain leverage first as Tiger recovers. He grabs hold of the barricade, and pulls himself over into the crowd, grabbing a chair as Tiger hops over and WHACKING her about the skull with it! Tiger staggers as Baker drops the chair, climbing back over and rolling her back into the ring. 

Mike Spazz: They’re both looking the worse for wear right now, Kk..

Baker grabs Tiger’s arm and snaps it DOWN with a shoulder-breaker, before pulling her into a powerbomb position and bringing her DOWN onto his knee! Tiger struggles to keep her shoulder in place as Baker grabs her for a waistlock and looks for a German onto her shoulder, but she overrotates and lands behind him, looking for an Inverted ‘Rana-but Baker manages to hook her arms-MODIFIED VERTEBREAKER! Tiger cries out in pain as Baker spikes her into the mat, before rolling her over. He grabs her arm-and he locks in his Cross Armbar! The pain is immense as Baker targets Tiger’s wounded shoulder, drilling the point home with repeating kicks to the head! Tiger tries to escape, but Baker keeps the hold locked in-UNTIL TIGER SWINGS UP AND DOWN WITH A NASTY KICK TO BAKER’S INJURED LEG!  

Mike Spazz: That’s gotta be fuckin’ agony right there!

Krystal Kirk: In dis match, dat’s the name of the gotdang game!

Baker cries out in pain, and after more kicks, he releases the hold, allowing Tiger a moment to breathe as he rolls into the corner! The two share a glance, and though a fire burns on, Baker gives Tiger a brief nod of respect as both pull back to their feet.

Krystal Kirk: Ya can beat da piss outta each other an’ still show ya respect!

Baker grabs the garbage can, and removes a bag from therein, dumping a collection of tacks onto the ring canvas. He approaches Tiger, and drags her to her feet, looking for a Pumphandle for Reap What You Sow, but Tiger manages to evade it, landing on her feet and blasting Baker in the skull with a wicked Enziguri, but as she leaps for a Codebreaker, Baker manages to catch her-POWERBOMB into the tacks! Baker hauls her up into the air, and bombs her down AGAIN! Blood pours freely from Tiger’s mask, and Baker grabs hold of one of the ears, ripping it free before he BLASTS Tiger in the face with a knee strike, likely hammering in some of the tacks stuck therein-but as her mask is ripped, she rushes forward and DECKS Baker with a leaping knee, stunning him for just long enough to DRAG HIM INTO THE TACKS FACE-FIRST WITH A WICKED CUTTER!

Krystal Kirk: OH MY FAKKIN’ LORT!!!

Mike Spazz: Baker’s down! This is some dangerous bullshit right here!!

 Baker cries out in pain, but Tiger’s having none of it as she grabs his leg, pulling him in for the Tiger Tamer, and SLAMMING HIS INTACT KNEE DOWN INTO THE TACKS REPEATEDLY! Baker’s leverage is lost as Tiger’s dragged into the tacks while trying for the Calf Crusher, doing heavy damage to his leg! 

Krystal Kirk: TIGER TAMER!! SHE GOT IT CINCHED IN BAD!!

Baker struggles for leverage, but Tiger won’t relent! She sinches the hold tighter and tighter, and Graham Baker-with a glint of pride in his eye, looks to the referee and yells ‘I Quit!’

*DING~DING~DING!!*

Mari Moon: The winner of this match and your NEW ICW WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION, “The Super Tiger” RRRRRRISA SSSSSSAITO!!!!

Krystal Kirk: SHE DID IT!! OMFG SUPER TIGER DID IT!!

The crowd explodes and Tiger, looking stunned, releases the hold on Baker. Baker struggles to get back to his feet, and looks to the timekeeper as they approach the ring with his belt and a microphone. He grabs the belt, and the microphone, blowing the referee off as he holds it in his hand. He looks down at it, before pulling the microphone up to his mouth.

Graham Baker: “RISA, I told you if you wanted this belt, you were gonna have to fight for it. Super Tiger or not, this was gonna be something unlike anything you’d experienced to this point. I brought my tools, you brought your talent, and here we are.” 

Baker looks down at the belt, and places it on RISA’s shoulder. He smiles.

 Graham Baker: “Congrats, champ. Keep the reputation going for me, eh?” 

Baker drops the microphone, and puts Super Tiger over one final time before bowing out of the ring.

Krystal Kirk: We ain’ gonna hold y’all back any longer. Risa Saito realises a dream in front of our gotdang eyes tonight. We is just gonna let cha enjoy it wit her! From all of us at YUHlapalooza, we hope y’all had an amazing night, because we sure did! See ya again soon!

The show slowly fades out on watching Super Tiger celebrate as streamers pour into the ring from the crowd and from the ceiling as many of her fellow colleagues join her, raising her up onto their shoulders as ST holds the ICW WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT title high above her head.