The Destruction Crew battles The Dogs of War in the main event.
<Jessie, Bob, and Chad sit at ringside, with an excited crowd waving and screaming all around. Colored lights flash over the arena as the latest show begins.>
Jessie: Good evening, everybody! Live from our beautiful studios here in Richter City, Florida, we bring you another great ICWF show! With me tonight are my esteemed colleagues, Chad “Romeo” Romero, Bob Brodsky, and “Luscious” Lisa Madison! We’ve got some big developments on tap for you tonight, right, Bob?
Bob: Absolutely, Jess! After a SLIGHT layoff, we’ve got a return show for you featuring profiles and action involving several newcomers to the ICWF!
Chad: Just don’t make any mistake, Boobsky–a lotta these newcomers are seasoned pros from other feds! They’ve had a ton of gold between ’em, and now they want the ultimate challenge!
Lisa: So true, Chad. We have wrestlers who have established tremendous reputations for themselves in several top associations. Whether it’s the UWF, or the OWA, or any of several other organizations, these are true superstars!
Jessie: We’ve attracted attention from many major players, no doubt about it! So let’s get on with our first match!
Chad: All right! Vixxxen is coming up!
Bob: Oh, brother…
CHEYENNE CHER VS. VIXXXEN
Michael Duffer: Ladies and gentlemen, this contest is scheduled for one fall with a ten minute time limit….introducing first, from Cheyenne, Wyoming…weighing in at 148 lbs…This is Cheyenne Cher!
(Cheyenne Cher bounces to the ring, wearing a feathered headband, leather ring gear and boots. The fans give her a mild reception.)
Michael Duffer: And her opponent….
(The opening drums of “Whip It” by Devo begin to play.)
Duffer: from Every Man’s Fantasies…
(Huge reaction from the crowd.)
Chad: Listen to every guy in this place go wild, and every woman start to boo…I love it!
Michael Duffer: Led to the ring by the International Manager of Champions, The Kingpin….representing the Syndicate….weighing in at 122lbs….this is Vixxxen!!!
(Vixxxen throws open the curtain and steps out. She is wearing thigh-high leather boots, a leather teddy, and her long red hair is tied in a huge black bow. A teardrop is painted under her left eye. She is carrying a long leather bullwhip. Behind her, The Kingpin stands. He is enormous, dressed immaculately, and carrying an ivory-headed cane. They make their way to the ring to the mixed reception of the crowd.)
Chad: I love her style!
Bob: You would…
Jessie: Vixxxen actually on quite a roll here in the ICWF. She’s really taken off after her big street fight with MegaDiesel that ended in the big man’s trip to the hospital.
Chad: Yeah…so then that sorry whiner left the ICWF for the OWA. What a punk! Vixxxen ran him out of the league!
Jessie: I don’t know about that…
Bob: Well, she’s really been after the US title. It’ll be interesting to see what happens when she finally gets her shot.
Jessie: Vixxxen in the ring now, and there’s the bell. Collar and elbow tie up, and Cher backed into the rope…and a slap to the face! Vixxxen in classic form tonight.
Chad: Cher’s looking a bit pissed off by that slap. Vixxxen loves to dominate the tone of the match.
Jessie: Another tie-up…and Vixxxen shot off to the ropes…duck down by Cher… leapfrog by Vixxxen….another leapfrog by Vixxxen….a third leapfrog by Vixxxen….Cher in the air for a leapfrog….NO! Vixxxen just caught Cher in midair and dropped her to the mat with a vicious spinebuster!
Chad: I felt that one all the way up here!
Bob: Cher is really in pain from that one…
Jessie: Vixxxen picking Cher up…and a vicious whip to the turnbuckle. Vixxxen on the second rope straddling Cher….OH MY! Big spinning DDT off the second rope by the town tramp!
Chad: I’m going to tell Vixxxen all of the nasty things you say about her, Jessie.
Jessie: Go ahead…Vixxxen picking Cher up by the hair…she’s spinning her around….and snaps her down with a huge neckbreaker. Cher’s out of it already.
Chad: It doesn’t take long for Vixxxen.
Jessie: Vixxxen on the top rope….and there’s the butt bomb from the top! She just flattened Cher!
Chad: Get it right, Jessie. That’s the Coochie Cutter, and this one is all over.
Jessie: There’s the three count, and Vixxxen comes out victorious in this one.
Duffer: Ladies and gentlemen…here is your winner…in 2:49…Vixxxen!!!
(She grabs the whip from The Kingpin and snaps Cher across the stomach twice with it before she’s able to roll out of the ring, bleeding.)
Bob: Oh, now there’s no reason for that!
Chad: Sure there is! Now Cher’ll go back and tell everyone what happens when you get in there with Vixxxen! I love it!
Jessie: Let’s go down to Kris Erickson with Vixxxen and the Kingpin.
Erickson: Another win for Vixxxen and another step closer to the US Championship.
Vixxxen: Oh, sugar, now let’s not mince words here: I’m the next US champ, and we all know it. The Syndicate’s where it’s at. Period. I’m just here to crack the whip. (She cracks the whip loudly, and the crowd goes wild.)
Erickson: The Syndicate on a roll here in the ICWF, Kingpin.
Kingpin: ‘Course it is, baby. ‘Course it is. Gretchen’s gonna take that big puddin’-bellied Marauder to school and keep her undefeated record alive and bring home the world championship, Vixxxen’s gonna bring down the US title, and Fury’s going back to the tag belts. Matter of fact, who knows what kind of surprises I have in store for you down the road? I’m like that, you know?
Erickson: Fury really hasn’t been seen very much as of late…
Kingpin: Oh, don’t worry, Kris. I’ve got big plans for the Zents bros. Believe me. Caray and Stewart are on the right track, and it’s just a matter of time before we get those chump champs in the ring with our belts, and bring ’em home.
Erickson: Well, it appears the Syndicate is back in action and badder than ever. Back to you, Jessie.
Jessie: Thanks, Kris. We’ll be back after these messages!
PENNY LANCASTER WITH DENISE AND DEBORAH DUNCAN
Lisa: Let’s cut to Jessie James, who has Penny Lancaster and her charges with her. Take it, Jess!
(Jessie James stands beside Penny Lancaster. Denise and Deborah Duncan flank her.)
Jessie: Penny, there seem to be a couple of wrestlers missing. Where are Leather and Lace?
Penny: Jessie, Sandra and Molly have been wrestling throughout Japan and Australia, and recently won the Australasian Tag Championships. As a result, their commitments there will cut down on their time here in the ICWF, though they’ll be here occasionally.
Jessie: So your duties include —
Penny: Well, Deborah and Denise have agreed to allow me to manage them for the present time. Ray Fisher and Kevin Taylor still accept my advice. And I’ve heard some good things about the new gentleman arriving soon, AC Hammer.
Denise: Waitasecond Penny! Hammer? You want to manage Hammer?
Penny: Well, I had thought about it and —
Denise: You sign Hammer and you can kiss my ass good-bye!
Deb: C’mon, sis, you don’t mean that. I mean, I understand why you’re upset, but Adam’s not a bad guy and —
Denise: And you’re the one who told Penny the “good things” about him, right?
Deb: Wellllll, yeah — you really should get back together with him, Denise. You and him were —
Denise: Say another word and I’ll forget we’re sisters and lay you out! <she stalks off.
Jessie: <gulp> Well, Penny, that was —
Penny: I’m sorry Jessie, I’ve got to go. <As she and Deb walk away Penny can be heard saying, “What’s this between Hammer and Denise?” Deborah’s reply can’t be heard>
Jessie: There you have it, a possible split-up in the Penny Lancaster stable? We’ll just have to see.
Bob: It’s my pleasure to announce the impending arrival of one of the great competitors in the great sport of wrestling. Coming to the ICWF is AC Hammer!
(Scene: a packed arena. In the ring are two men, one is big, clad in black and very powerful looking. The other is smaller, all in white. The man in white is whipped into the corner but charges back with a clothesline, dropping the bigger man to the canvas. He then drops an elbow on the big man’s sternum. Pulling the big man up by the hair, he locks up the man’s arms and drops him with a double underhook suplex. As the big man gets up, the smaller man slips behind him and hammerlocks his arm, then in a remarkable show of strength lifts him off his feet so all the pressure is on the big man’s shoulder. The submission comes quickly.)
Bob: As you can see, AC is a man who doesn’t let the size of his opponent scare him at all. He is one of the most focused athletes it’s been my pleasure to meet, and here he is!
(Through the curtains comes a solid looking man clad all in white, from his wrestling singlet to his boots. He has brown curly hair and a Van Dyke beard. He stares straight ahead, unsmiling.)
Bob: AC, welcome to the ICWF.
AC: Thank you, Mr. Brodsky.
Bob: Please call me Bob.
AC: Not until I know you better, Mr. Brodsky.
Bob: Um, okay. Tell the fans out there, AC. Why have you come to the ICWF?
AC: Mr. Brodsky, I’m here for the same reason all the other great wrestlers are here. This is where the best competition is. The wrestlers in this federation are by far the best wrestlers in the world. I’m looking forward to the competition.
Bob: Are there any wrestlers in the ICWF you’d like to issue challenges too?
AC: It would be premature at this time to do so. The wrestlers in this federation only know me by reputation and —
(There’s a disturbance in back and Denise Duncan stalks out to the interview area.)
Bob: Here’s one of Penny Lancaster’s wrestlers, ‘Deadly’ Denise Duncan. Denise, I’m sorry, but this is AC’s interview time and —
Denise: Can it, Brodsky! (She looks AC up and down.) So, the wrestlers in this federation don’t know you, Adam? There’s at least one who knows you — too well!
AC: Hello Denise. You look good.
Denise: That’s all you can say to me? “You look good”? You’re damned right I look good. You, on the other hand, look a little nervous.
AC: What do you want me to say, Denise? That I’m sorry? I did what I felt was the right thing. I still feel that way.
Denise: No apologies. I shouldn’t have expected any. Okay, Adam, I’ll see you in the ring! (She turns to leave.)
AC: (Grabs Denise’s arm.) Wait a second, I — (Denise spins and slaps AC across the face, nearly knocking him to the floor, then stalks off.)
Bob: Whoa! That was quite a confrontation! AC, would you —
AC: Mr. Brodsky, this interview is over! (He leaves.)
Bob: Well, I didn’t expect that! AC Hammer apparently knows Denise Duncan and their relationship doesn’t appear to be very cordial.
Chad: Well I see the “great” AC Hammer’s already got an enemy here.
Bob: (Re-seating himself.) Apparently Hammer and Denise Duncan have met in the past.
Chad: No kidding? Now are you gonna tell me the sun is gonna rise in the east tomorrow?
Bob: It is?
Jessie: Speaking of Hammer, he’s in the ring for his debut match. Here’s Mike Duffer with the introductions.
APOLLO VS. AC HAMMER
Duffer: Laaaaaadieeeeeees and Gentlemennnnnnn. Introducing first, from Athens, Greece, standing 6’8″ and weighing 285 pounds, Apollo!
(Apollo stalks to the ring accompanied by his partner, Adonis. Apollo has dark hair and Adonis is blonde, otherwise they’re dressed identically in gold trunks and boots. The crowd doesn’t think much of them, and they gesture and shout at the crowd as they walk to the ring.)
Duffer: His opponent, from Burlington, Vermont, standing 6’3″ and weighing 235 pounds, A. C. Hammer!
(A. C. is wearing a white wrestling singlet and white boots. He’s got brown hair and a brown Van Dyke beard, and is carrying a piece of wood. The fans cheer, but he doesn’t seem to pay them any attention. A close-up of his face shows him focusing on Apollo.)
Chad: Hammer’s givin’ away a lotta weight.
Jessie: A. C.’s reputation is that of a no-nonsense technician. Let’s see how he does.
(The two men stare at each other as the referee checks them for international objects. Hammer offers a handshake to Apollo but the big man slaps it aside. Apollo tries to turn the match into a brawl but Hammer counters with arm drags and suplexes, along with several moves that work on Apollo’s arm, trying to weaken it.)
Bob: A. C. with a hammerlock, he spins Apollo around, Hammer picks Apollo up and slams him down on the arm! Hammer’s concentrated on Apollo’s arm ever since the match began.
Chad: Ahhh, I’m waiting for Apollo to get tired of this guy and swat him away. That’s it! Apollo now with a thumb to the eyes!
(Apollo tries to follow up on his advantage, belting Hammer with punches and driving him back into a corner. He tries a cross-corner whip, but A. C. reverses it, then charges in with a clothesline. Apollo goes down hard.)
Jessie: Hammer locks up Apollo’s arm with a hammerlock and hoists him into the air by the arm! There’s a tremendous amount of pressure on Apollo’s shoulder and — that’s it! Apollo submits!
Duffer: The winner, in five minutes and seven seconds, A. C. Hammer!
Chad: Adonis looks like he wants part of Hammer, but the coward picks up that hunk of wood and Adonis thinks better of it. Jessie’s gonna talk to Hammer now.
Jessie: A. C., that was a fine debut.
AC.: Thanks Ms. James. Like I told Mr. Brodsky, I’m here because this is where the competition is.
Jessie: What’s with the piece of lumber?
AC.: This is the handle from a sledgehammer. I used to be a boy scout, Ms. James, and my motto is still ‘Be Prepared’. Anyone who tries attacking me will find out just how hard this piece of hickory is.
(Denise Duncan and Penny Lancaster come out. Denise is obviously upset.)
Jessie: Penny, Denise. To what do we owe the honor of this visit?
Penny: Jessie, I have a little proposition for Mr. Hammer. I like what I saw of you in the ring, and I was wondering if —
Denise: You can’t be serious! I told you before, if you manage Hammer I’m outta here!
AC.: Denise, I —
Denise: (Turns on A.C.) You shut up! It makes me sick just to be around you! Ms. Lancaster, before you offer Hammer a position, I want to show you what he’s really made of!
Penny: What do you have in mind, Denise?
Denise: (Turns to A. C. again) You and me, Adam. Next week. If you’ve got the guts! I’m gonna show the whole ICWF that A. C. Hammer is nothing but a gutless coward!
AC.: I’ve never backed away from a fight in my life, and I won’t start now. I’ll see you then, Denise. (Leaves, shaking his head.)
Jessie: Denise, it’s obvious you and A. C. have had problems in the past. Would you like to explain?
Denise: Just be here next week. I’m going to show everyone the real A. C. Hammer!
Jessie: Um…let’s go to commercial….
Jessie: As the parade of new arrivals continues, it’s time to feature a newcomer with a decidedly different attitude. Let’s hear some words from “Fantastic” Frank Knight.
(The screen cuts to an empty and quiet ICWF arena. Most of it is shrouded in darkness. Most of it except for the ring, where a man is standing with his back to the camera. He is about 6’4″ tall and has a naturally muscular build, probably weighing somewhere around 250 lbs. He is wearing a blue denim jacket with “FFK” scripted with metal studs on the back, and then beneath that, also scripted in metal studs, but with smaller letters: “Snap, Crackle, Pop”. He also wears blue jeans, brown boots and a black T-shirt. His hair is short and blond.)
Man: Soooo…. _This_ is the ICWF, huh? Am I supposed to be impressed or something?
(There’s a slightly sinister chuckle.)
Man: I hear there have been some pretty bad boys here…. Oh, and girls… Heh….. Some real badasses, huh? People who thing they know about pain. People who think they’re something real special…. People who have no idea what’s coming their way very, very soon.
(There’s a snicker.)
Man: Well, it’s time they found out they don’t know the first thing about pain and suffering. They don’t know the first thing about getting a beating. And compared to “Fantastic” Frank Knight they CERTAINLY don’t know the first thing about wrestling!
(The man turns to face the camera with a nasty grin on his face.)
Knight: And that’s just why I’m here. To educate people…. To teach them what real pain feels like…. The pain of a leg being broken… The pain of getting their arms torn apart….. The pain of having their necks punished until they can take no more…..
(The grin grows even uglier.)
Knight: And the pain they feel as they hear the snap, crackle and pop when I break their spine in half with the Fantastic Pain.
(He chuckles, seeming almost jovial and friendly all of a sudden.)
Knight: Oh, and don’t worry kiddies. Ol’ Uncle Frank has time for everyone, and I won’t play favorites. Everyone gets their turn, and everyone gets the same treatment. Just ask around in the VWA…. Frank Knight is a fair man. I hurt everyone equally much. Face or heel. Male or female. Doesn’t matter to me.
(The nasty grin suddenly returns to his face.)
Knight: Trust me, kiddies… We’re gonna have a LOT of fun together.
(Frank starts to laugh as the screen fades to black.)
Bob: That man is trouble, I can tell already.
Chad: He seems like my kinda guy. We need more men around here like Frank Knight!
Jessie: Well, speaking of him, he’s about to wrestle. Let’s go to the ring!
SHOCK VS. FRANK KNIGHT
Michael Duffer: Introducing first…. Hailing from the year 2096…. accompanied by his tag team partner Future, and weighing in at 250 lbs…… SHOCK!
(Shock (and his partner, Future, who is on the outside of the ring) is wearing an extremely cheap looking silver colored bodysuit and mask. He raises his hands over his head, and the crowd responds with deafening silence.)
Bob: I can’t BELIEVE they kept FutureShock… I mean, of all the people who were here the last time around these guys stayed?
Chad: Well, I guess the WCW and WWF had too much pride in themselves to hire them.
Michael Duffer: And his opponent, hailing from Chicago, Illinois…. Weighing in at 250 lbs. and making his ICWF debut tonight…. Fantastic… FRANK…. KNIIIIIIGHT!
(“Bad to the bone” starts up as Knight appears at the end of the aisle, making his way up to the ring slowly, all the while keeping his eyes on Shock. A nasty grin is on his face. He is wearing black tights with shoulder straps (Bret Hart style tights). Down each leg the word FANTASTIC is scripted in white. He has black boots with FFK in white letters down the sides. Those in the crowd familiar with the VWA immediately start to boo him.)
Jessie: And it seems some of our fans know about Knight and his style in and out of the ring already. Knight climbs into the ring, AND SHOCK ATTACKS IMMEDIATELY! Wait, no…. Knight with a drop toehold takes down the man from the future just like that. Lisa, can you tell us anything about Knight?
Lisa: Certainly, Jessie. Frank Knight was relatively unknown up until a year ago when he signed on with the then newly established federation known as the VWA. Basically he’s a technician, and a _very_ violent one at that. While in the VWA he was responsible for another wrestler being put out of wrestling for several months due to a leg injury. He’s counted by many as one of the most dangerous wrestlers around today because he seems to care about nothing more than hurting his opponent….. Like THAT!
Bob: OH MY GOD! Knight with a second rope PILEDRIVER on Shock! This guy sure isn’t kidding around, is he?
Chad: Knight pulls up Shock…. Short arm clothesline…. FISTDROP RIGHT TO THE FACE! And you can see he busted Shock’s nose there from the blood seeping through the mask! And look at his face! He’s had that demented grin all through the match!
Jessie: Knight with a suplex…. Sends Shock to the ropes… POWERSLAM! Picks him up again…….. Gets him up…. BRAINBUSTER! You know… There’s one thing I’ve noticed though… For a guy who’s obviously a heel he’s done remarkably little cheating. None in fact.
Chad: Yeah… I noticed that… I can’t figure out why though, because other than that he seems smart enough….
Lisa: Actually, Chad, Knight doesn’t cheat at all usually. He claims he’s so good he doesn’t need it, in contrast to all the “inferior” wrestlers out there. Those are pretty much his exact words when questioned about it. Don’t underestimate him though. He’s as vicious as anyone you’ve ever met before.
Jessie: And we’re getting an example of that now… STUNGUN on the top rope by Knight… This match has been all Frank Knight. Shock has never gotten off an offense at all.
Chad: Shock doesn’t _need_ an offense. He’s offensive enough as it is.
Bob: Chad! You ought to be ashamed of yourself. I’m sure there’s a perfectly nice, young athlete under that silver mask.
Chad: Brodsky… Not even YOU are dumb enough to believe that.
Bob: Well… No, but my dad always said to try and be nice to people…. WAITAMINUTE! What do you MEAN “Not even YOU are dumb enough”?
Chad: I thought I made myself perfectly clear, Dopesky.
Bob: Why, I oughtta……
Jessie: GENTLEMEN…. PLEASE! While Bob and Chad were having their little argument Knight performed another two Stun Guns on Shock, pretty much methodically destroying his neck. He’s followed that with a reverse neckbreaker, and it looks like he’s about to finish this one. He’s picking Shock up…. SPINEBUSTER SLAM!
Lisa: And that should mean we have the Fantastic Pain coming up…. Yes! There it is. The Fantastic Pain, Knight’s Boston Crab.
Chad: And he really has it cinched in here. Right in the middle of the ring, and Shock is going nowhere at all! LOOK at Knight put the pressure on! And he’s LOVING the agony he’s putting Shock in… I think I LIKE this guy! LOOK at that grin on his face!
Bob: This makes me sick! Shock wasting no time submitting… AND KNIGHT DOESN’T LET GO! He’s just leaning even FURTHER BACK! THIS IS HORRIBLE! POOR SHOCK MIGHT BE PERMANENTLY INJURED!
Chad: SNAP HIS SPINE, KNIGHT! GET RID OF HIM FOR GOOD!
Jessie: The referee in Knight’s face now…. but Knight is just grinning at him! And Future is entering the ring…..
Chad: And THAT made Knight release the hold… just to ATTACK Future! Clothesline! DDT! Knight pulls Future out of the ring to the apron….. OH MY GOD! I LOVE IT!
(Hardcore pop from the mutants in the crowd)
Bob: This is an OUTRAGE! GET SECURITY!
Jessie: Frank Knight has just PILEDRIVEN Future from the apron to the concrete, and the man from the future is out COLD! And his partner is writhing in the ring clutching his back. Knight finally making his way to the back with that ugly grin on his face.
(“Bad to the bone” starts up again as the crowd boos heavily while Knight walks back down the aisle.)
Michael Duffer: The winner of this match by submission, at 5:45…. FANTASTIC…. FRANK… KNIIIIIIIIGHT!
Jessie: Brutal display by the newcomer, Frank Knight! Fans, don’t go anywhere, we’ll be right back!
Jessie: Fans, several of our favorite superstars are checking back in, and we have prerecorded comments to show you. Let’s start with Kommando Karla!
(Karla’s sitting on a bench, just finished her bench press routine, sweating profusely.)
Karla: It’s good to get back here. My manager and I had a tour in the Far East where I fought some mean bas, er, sorry; some mean people. But they suffered, especially that kickboxer in Korea. But that is nothing compared to what I bring back to the ICWF. Last year was patty-cake compared to what will happen now! The new season will start and I will reign as the greatest of champions. Get outta my way, unless ya got a death wish!
Bob: And no one can forget the impact that Susan James and her group had on our fed. Let’s hear from her!
SUSAN JAMES, SAMANTHA STARR, CARRIE WESTFIELD AND YOSHIKO KAGE
(The camera cuts to a black background with “The Wild Bunch” scripted on it in red. In front of it are some people familiar to old ICWF fans. Samantha Starr and Carrie Westfield of Born to Be Wild are there, as are Yoshiko Kage and their manager, Susan James.)
Susan: Well, it looks like the ICWF is finally up and running again, and we couldn’t be happier about it, right girls?
(The other three nod at this.)
Susan: However, as you can probably see for yourselves we aren’t quite as many people as the last time you saw us. Ray, Jake and Johnny are all gone. Unfortunately they had found themselves other work while the ICWF was out of circulation, and weren’t interested in coming back at this time.
Susan: BUT that really doesn’t matter, because what’s left is more than good enough to handle anything the ICWF can throw at us. The Wild Bunch is back. We’re bad. We’re hungry for some gold. And we’re not about to take crap from ANYONE!
Samantha: It’s all pretty simple really. Don’t fu*Bleeep* with us, or we’ll fu*Bleeep* you up something serious. We may try to play by the rules, but believe you me, I ain’t no angel, and neither is my partner here. We’re going for the Tag gold, and there’s no doubt about THAT!
Carrie: Y’all need ta realize one thing, people. Born to Be Wild are back! And baby, we intend to make ya all find out personally, the hard way. So put on those tights, guys and gals… Enter that ring… And get ready for tha ride o’ yer lives! And hell, we all might decide we’re bored with goin’ after just tha tag belts, y’know? So we might decide to raise a little hell in the singles ranks as well, just like Yoshiko here.
(Yoshiko smiles at the camera..)
Yoshiko: That is correct. I will be going after some gold in the singles ranks. Now, I am quite aware of my somewhat limited size, but believe me when I say that if you should underestimate me because of that then you _will_ regret it. I will give fair warning right now. Do not mistake a lack of size and politeness for weakness, because you will never get the chance to make another mistake when you face The Shadow.
Susan: To put it short and sweet, folks… We’re back, and we’re not playing around. See ya all in the ring.
Jessie: We’ve got a special segment now featuring the Snake Sisters, Jennifer Sanders and the Python Princess. Let’s see an interview that Chad Romero conducted with them earlier this week!
SNAKE SISTERS, JENNIFER SANDERS AND PYTHON PRINCESS
(Scene: a palatial estate, where Jennifer Sanders and the Python Princess are playing volleyball against a couple of well-muscled young men in *very* brief swim trunks. The snake sisters are in snakeskin bikinis….)
Chad: The Python Princess invited us to her estate to interview her — Your Highness! If I might have a word with you.
Princess: Chad darling! So good of you to come! <She turns to the men on the other side of the net> Rock, Flash, take a break — you look like you can use it.
Sidewinder: How they hangin’ Romero? You still runnin’ with that Spanish Rose?
Chad: Um, yeah.
Sidewinder: Waaalll, she oughtta be careful lettin’ you out — you’re lookin’ good!
Chad: Thanks, Sidewinder. You’re the North American champion at the present time and —
Sidewinder: Durn straight, Chad! An’ I’m gonna be the North American champeen for a long time to come. Anybody wants a piece o’ me better come ready for a war!
Chad: Have you given up tag matches?
Princess: Not at all, darling, We were the original world champions, you know. When we turn our attention to the tag team ranks again, we shall be the champions again. In the meantime, since Jennifer has a singles title, I may decide to challenge for one of the other singles belts.
Chad: I don’t see the Masked Marauder, Rob Foster, or the Body Girls around.
Princess: We don’t do everything together, darling. Right now we’re amusing ourselves with these lovely young men <indicates Rock and Flash, who puff out their chests> and relaxing. Our relationship with Rob and the Marauder is still intact.
Sidewinder: Yeah, Chad, we’re just amusin’ ourselves playin’ some strip volleyball against these studmuffins. You wanna play?
Chad: “Strip Volleyball”?
Princess: When a team loses a point one of the members takes off a piece of his or her clothing. <points to two pairs of shoes, two pairs of socks, and two t-shirts lying in a heap beside the net> As you can see, Flash and Rock started out fully shod and wearing shirts. Jennifer and I lead the game 10 to 0.
Sidewinder: Wanna join us, Chad? You’re wearin’ lotsa clothes — it’ll be a while before the game ends.
(The scene closes with the Snake Sisters spiking the volleyball for another point and Chad removing his shirt…)
Jessie: We just got this segment in, fans. Roll it!
(The scene is a smoky jazz/blues club. On stage, in front of a relatively quiet, sold out audience, is BB King. He appears to be in the middle of a set. As he drinks some water from a glass on stage, the crowd parts somewhat to let a man in a trench coat and wide brimmed hat approach the stage. BB doesn’t seem to notice, until the man pulls out a guitar case and places it on the stage in front of him. King looks down, sees the guitar and the man, looks confused for a moment, and then smiles.)
BB: Cutting contest, huh?
(The man nods, not saying anything.)
BB: (Smiling) Sure, why not. You might have to go easy on me, though. It’s been awhile.
(The audience chuckles as the man walks on stage. He picks up the guitar case an opens it, to reveal a well-maintained Fender Stratocaster. BB looks a little surprised at the guitar, but then shrugs.)
BB: Nice lady you got there, she got a name?
(The man places the guitar strap over his shoulder, still keeping his coat and hat on, despite the heat of the stage lights. He pulls a silver dollar out of his pocket and poises it on the strings.)
(The contest begins. BB, as the challenged, goes first. He starts off with a simple rift, which the stranger copies. The stranger counters with a complicated, 5 second arrangement, which BB then executes. The contest goes back and forth, both guitarists trying to outdo the other. Their playing blends, until it seems that they’re playing the same notes simultaneously. It goes on like this for almost five minutes, and the crowd is silent, listening for one misplaced note. Finally, it comes, jarring the listeners. It takes a few seconds for the crowd to realize the man in the trench coat has lost. BB finishes a rift, and then moves over to shake the man’s hand.)
BB: Thanks, kid. I haven’t a contest like that in years. (BB looks closely at the face under the hat.) Say, don’t I know you?
Man: I don’t think so, sir.
BB: Sure I do. You’re that wrasslin’ fellow, uh…Arlikinno or somethin’.
Man: Arlechino, actually. (The man removes his hat, to reveal a face-paint star over his left eye.) But, do you mean you know who I am?
BB: Sure, lots of us are wrasslin’ fans. Used to watch that ICWF whenever we could. Was sure sorry when it disappeared.
Ar: Yeah, me too. Good news, though. Looks like it’s starting up again.
BB: Well, that’s some good news. You gonna be in the ring again.
Ar: (Flashing a cocky grin)Sure will…unless the band needs someone to replace you.
BB: (Laughs)Yeah, right after I win the ICWF title. Say, I got to finish the show here, what are you doing later?
Ar: Uhh…nothing, why?
BB: Would you like to come backstage with me and the band for a while?
Ar: …I’d be honored, sir.
BB: Please…call me BB.
JOHN SMITH VS. SPAZ
Michael Duffer: Ladies and gentlemen, this contest is scheduled for one fall with a ten minute time limit….introducing first, from Lincoln, Nebraska… weighing 230 pounds…here is…John Smith!
(Smith stands in the ring, wearing long white tights with a target on the rear. He offers a mild wave to the fans.)
Michael Duffer: And his opponent… (“War Machine” by Kiss begins to blare over the house P.A. A short, stocky, buzz-cut man in a black singlet with an orange “S” on the front makes his way down the aisle past the fans, followed by a group of men in hooded orange pullovers, and a twitchy, hyperactive dork in an orange shirt and black shorts. He bounces around behind the approaching wrestler, blowing a whistle and making rude gestures at the fans.) From the Heart of Darkness…weighing 252 pounds…here…is…SPAZZZ!!! (Spaz climbs through the ropes and into the ring, where he assumes a broad stance and crosses his thick arms. Team Spaz assembles behind him in his corner, while “whistle man” blows shrilly and jerks manically on the ropes.)
Bob: I’ve seen all I care to see of this no-account! He and his “entourage” are worthless cretins most notably that little twit manager of his, Bill Alfonse!
Alfonse: (Screaming to the fans.) Who can stop the path of rage?!?! Who can stop the path of rage?!?
Jessie: I’m inclined to agree with you on this one, Bob. Spaz is a fine wrestler, but his attitude–and his friends–leave a lot to be desired.
Chad: Ah, come on, Jess! Spaz is just a master of intimidation. Who cares if a few losers get stretchered out?
Bob: Only YOU would give this…this ANIMAL the benefit of the doubt, Romero.
Chad: I just know talent when I see it, unlike YOU.
Jessie: There’s the bell…and Spaz ducks under Smith and hooks him…OH! Huge takeover Spazplex! Smith flew six feet in the air!
Chad: WOW! This guy is GOOD!
Lisa: He’s quite a master of the ground game. He has a solid vertical base, and has a number of powerlifting records in his weight class.
Bob: Maybe, but he still stinks.
Chad: No, Bob, that’s your dollar-bin cologne.
Bob: It’s not–I mean, hey!
Jessie: Smith staggers up, and Spaz with another lock-up, this time from behind. He throws him–OH! Wheelbarrow Spazplex! Now a succession of kicks and stomps to the downed Smith!
Chad: That’s it, Spaz! Take that chump out!
(Spaz continues in this fashion, utilizing an impressive sequence of suplexes, saltos, and slams. Smith is totally incapable of any kind of offense as he suffers a series of awesome impact moves….)
Jessie: Spaz with a lockup from behind…I believe this is the setup….
Chad: It is! German Spazplex that sends Smith flying! He lands face-down from about ten feet up!
Jessie: He’s measuring Smith…and now he’s got it locked in! There’s the Spazmission!
Chad: He’s got those legs around Smith’s waist, and that Judo choke locked in! Smith’s history!
Jessie: And there’s the bell! But Spaz isn’t letting go!
Chad: Come on, Spaz! Put him all the way out! (Chad laughs maniacally as Bill Alphonse jumps into the ring, to begin shrieking his whistle and jerking the ropes again.)
Jessie: The ref has finally convinced him to let go, and Spaz rises.
Michael Duffer: (“War Machine” by Kiss begins to play again.) Your winner, by submission…SPAZZZZ!!!
Spaz: (Swiping the mic.) Stop the f**kin’ music! (The tape stops, and he looks out at the camera.) You a**hole’s thought that was somethin’, didn’t ya! Bet you were REAL impressed! Well, I don’t give a rat’s ass, you s**theads! You idiots don’t mean s**t to me, understand? (Boos rain down as he takes in the reaction.) I’m here in the ICWF for one reason and one reason only. It ain’t to make friends with nobody, it ain’t to win no f**kin’ belts, it ain’t to go oil wrestlin’ with these steroid freak b*tches we got around here. I came here to take care of somebody that’s been dodgin’ my ass everywhere I’ve gone. I’m talkin’ about one man, and that’s that two-bit clown sonfab*tch, Arlechino! (Crowd pops BIG TIME at the sound of the name. Spaz lowers the mic for a second, a smile on his face as he nods his head.) Yeah, I figured you f**kin’ losers would pop for that painted- up freak. Well, you wouldn’t be so impressed by the guy if you knew how many times I kicked his ass from one side ‘a this planet to the other. (Looks back at the camera.) See, laughin’ boy, I’m the thorn in your side, the itch you can’t scratch, the man that’s got your number and you know it. I’ve been callin’ your name out for a YEAR now, and I ain’t heard a word out of your chickensh*t ass! You are a COWARD, muthaf**ka! A COWARD! And I promise that I am gonna make your life a living hell until you get the guts to get in the ring and let me DESTROY you! (Spaz throws the mic down, and stalks out with his entourage.)
Alfonse: (Screaming to the fans.) Who can stop the path of rage?!?! Who can stop the path of rage?!?
Jessie: Strong words from Spaz. Looks like Arlechino’s got problems!
Chad: Finally! Clownboy’s gotta face the music! What a coward!
Bob: Nonsense! I’m sure Arlechino has a perfectly legitimate reason for not indulging Spaz the match.
Chad: Yeah–it’s called a yellow streak.
Jessie: While these two work this out, we’ll take a commercial break. We’ll be back after these messages.
Chad: Of all the returning personalities I’m SO pleased to see again, here’s one of my BIG favorites. It’s the “Love Doctor”, JQ Smooth! He’s got some comments for the two-bit face punks in the ICWF. Let’s hear ’em!
Barry White’s “Can’t Get Enough Of Your Love, Baby” plays softly in the background as we fade in to J.Q. Smooth sitting on a red velvet couch with a woman on each side.]
JQ: Quite frankly, ladies and gentlemen, this is a little annoying. I’m was here in my winter home in California a few weeks ago, in… well, in a bit of a compromising position. Let’s just say that BOTH these lovely ladies were involved. Right, ladies?
Sandra: Ooh, you’re such a MAN, JQ!
Samantha: Oh, tell them! Tell them what happened!
JQ: So there I am, and what happens? The phone rings! The damn phone rings! And who do you suppose it is? Why, it’s that idiot, Mike Shoemaker, president of the ICWF!
Samantha: What did he tell you, JQ?
JQ: Watch it, woman — you’ll speak when spoken to if you want to be kept around. Anyway, so Shoemaker is on the phone with me, and he says, “JQ, I’m starting that third-rate promotion, the ICWF, up again, and I need a marquee star. You made such a splash during the time you were here. Please, oh please, JQ, please come be in my fed! It’ll be nothing without you!” And what did I tell him, Sandra, honey?
Sandra: Uh, that you’d be right there, JQ?
JQ: What? No! No, you stupid moron! I told him, “The promoters don’t call JQ Smooth. JQ Smooth calls the promoters!” I was gonna hang up on him, but then I thought, “Y’know, I wasn’t in that ICWF for very long.” I never held a title. What did I have, two matches? The title shot was next, I’m sure, if that ignoramus Shoemaker has any brain at all, but the point is I didn’t get it. So I’m serving notice! ICWF wrestlers, THE greatest wrestler in the world is in town. I don’t even want to have to bother with you, but it looks like I have unfinished business. So I’m going to run through everybody in the ICWF, and when I’m done, there’ll be a lot of broken bones and a lot of lost belts! Right, Samantha?
Samantha: Uh… right!
JQ: What are you doing?! What in the name of God’s green earth are you doing? You’re really cutting it close here. Say the line, dammit, or I’ll slap you into next Tuesday!
Samantha: Oh, yeah! Uh… But-what-if-they-don’t-like-it-JQ? How was that?
JQ: If they don’t like it, they can KISS MY ASS!
Bob: Dis-GUS-ting show by that Smooth. He has NO respect for women.
Chad: Boobsky, you’re a prime example of a guy who “respects” women.
Bob: What, you mean a gentleman?
Chad: Nah–a virgin!
Bob: How did you–I mean, hey!
Jessie: Chad, you are SUCH a romantic. Now we go to a segment featuring the sinister Dark Pact. They’re ready to once more claim the very souls of their opponents.
Bob: I’ve got to tell you, I don’t like them. I mean, what kind of image does this present to the children?
Chad: Oh, stuff it, Brodsky! This ain’t about “children”–it’s about winning! NOTHIN’ else matters!
Jessie: More pearls of wisdom from our beloved Chad Romero. Anyway, let’s see the footage!
DOGS OF WAR
(The rolling fog of morning clears to reveal an idyllic landscape, complete with beautiful trees and a river. In the middle of all this stand four men, three of whom wear masks.)
Man#1: What’s with all this nature crap? Why aren’t we in our usual dungeon?
Man#2: Because, Fenris, we’re presenting a pleasant image to the fans of the ICWF. They should enjoy it, it will be the last they’ll see for a while.
Man#3: Master Soultaker is right. The fans should enjoy every chance they have for happiness. Because, when we enter the ring, all their precious fan favorites are going to be ground into dust!
Man#4: Or made to join master Soultaker’s army.
Soultaker: Exactly, Cerebus. You, Fenris and the Paladin are about to start a new reign of terror in the ICWF. It has been far too long since you’ve been allowed to roam free.
Dark Paladin: Thank you master. I shall enjoy the chance to tear apart some fresh flesh!
Soultaker: Patience, Paladin. The time will come. Until then…let’s see what we can do around here.
(The four men split up and walk off camera. Soon, the sounds of chainsaws and shotguns are heard, along with falling trees and startled swans.)
Jessie: Now, let’s go to the ring, where we’ll see the Dogs of War in action!
DESTRUCTION CREW VS. DOGS OF WAR
Mike Duffer: This contest is set for one fall. Introducing first, to my left. Weighing in at 578 pounds, and hailing from Chicago, Illinois. They are Hatchet and Pound, the Destruction Crew!
(The two men, decked out in construction outfits and heavy metal face paint, wait in the ring for their opponents.)
Michael Duffer: And, in this corner, weighing in at 566 lbs., and hailing from the ninth level of hell and Valhalla, respectively. Here are Cerebus and Fenris, the Dogs of War!
(“The Four Horsemen” by Metallica plays as the two large men are accompanied to the ring by Soultaker, who holds the chains around their necks. As soon as the Dogs get to ringside, Soultaker releases the chains and they hit the ring.)
The two teams pound each other mercilessly for the first few seconds of the conflict, before Hatchet and Cerebus toss each other out of the ring. They battle it out while Pound and Fenris work each other over in the ring. The two teams swing back and forth, until Cerebus nails Hatchet with a powerbomb outside the ring. Fenris, meanwhile, hits Pound with his Norse Hammer, knocking him to the mat. Fenris tags in his partner, and climbs to the top rope, setting up for their Gotterdamerung finisher. Cerebus holds Pound prone over his knee while Fenris delivers the leg drop from the second buckle. From there, it is an easy three count and a win.)
Michael Duffer: Ladies and Gentlemen, your winners…The Dogs of War!
Jessie: Awesome performance by the former Intercontinental Champs, the Dogs of War. Don’t go away, fans! We’ve got more exciting ICWF action coming your way!
Jessie: The ICWF has attracted its share of malevolent figures, and certainly our newest, the macabre Nevermore, is no exception. He had a few things to say to the stars of the ICWF….
(The Scene: An ancient, deserted cathedral. Waning sunlight can be seen trickling through the cracks in the stained glass windows. Rotting carpet peels in rolls from the floor, giving a disheveled appearance to the entire area. Overturned pews litter the entire sanctuary, and Bibles that once rested proudly on the benches are strewn about, the apparent result of some madman’s frenzy. Near the front of the chapel is an antiquated altar, the wood of its construction splintering, now stained a dark crimson from some “unknown” varnish.)
(Kneeling near the altar is a large man, weighing approximately 315 lbs. His head shaven and clad in black pantaloons with a course black cloak thrown over his shoulders, the mammoth figure could easily be some assailant demon, daring to tempt the powers of the benign by encroaching on their territory. While his hands idly toy with one of the holy relics cast carelessly aside, the individual’s cloak falls open to reveal an intricate network of scars that adorn his torso, chest, and back. As he distractedly thumbs through a leather-bound volume, he raises his face to stare into the camera, a single, crimson tear rolling down his cheek. Smiling malevolently, the entity begins to speak:)
Nevermore: A long-overdue salutations to you. I am known as Nevermore, and it is time that my presence be known. Emerging from the very depths of human consciousness, this personification of the primal emotion fear that you see before you has chosen to find a new haven . . . another playground of the Weak from which to harvest.
Nevermore: I am surprised none have yet realized the power which you face. I choose not to play the role of the champion, but rather as a spinner of the shadows. Too often, it is the champion who ends his career a weary, beaten individual with nothing to show. Those such as myself, however, melt away like evening shadows at dawn as soon as the ax begins to fall. Some compare my kind to a sickness, a fever seeking a cool brow to heat. It seems I have found the next.
Nevermore: When the chaos comes, dear fellows, and, mark my words, it will come, Nevermore shall slip away like shadows at dawn. Then, when the rebuilding is complete and once again something is possessed worth destroying, the Raven shall reappear….
Nevermore: I welcome you to my domain of madness, children. Come dance the dance of the apocalypse with me. Allow me to show you images which the minds of a select few can tolerate. Our paths have met, and we shall travel together for quite some time. Our game has just begun….
Nevermore: To those wishing to interfere in my works, let me leave you with only one warning, often imposed upon individuals of old:
Enter, traveler, at your risk. Here there be tigers.
(Nevermore locks his gaze upon the camera. The cruelty and hatred in his copper eyes is unmistakable. If one looks close enough, it seems that all that shall pass can be witnessed through those copper portals of destruction. Again, a single, crimson tear rolls down Nevermore’s cheek, splattering upon an open Bible, spreading its stain over the pages.)
Nevermore: Soon, ICWF. Very soon………..
Bob: T-this supernatural nonsense has no business in our great sport! I must protest!
Chad: Oh, sure, Brodsky, I hear you. Why don’t you go down to the Dark Pact or Nevermore and tell ’em personally how much you think they oughtta change their images! I’m sure they’d love to hear it!
Bob: Well, I–
Jessie: Don’t even bother, Bob. We have another segment featuring an…exotic competitor, I’m sure you’ll agree. Let’s roll it!
Venus sits in a lounge chair on his front lawn… relaxing… he’s drinking some pink lemonade. He wears a lavender hat over his head, sort of like a sun hat. He pulls the hat up and looks at the camera. His long hair is tinted lavender… he slowly rises to his feet… he stands 6’6 and weighs about 275… He wears shades of pink, lavender, and violet makeup on his face. He winks at the camera…]
Venus: Welcome to my humble home…
The camera pans around the property. The picket fence is painted lavender, the house is 3 shades of pink, lavender, and violet. A little poodle, tinted lavender sits on the porch of this unusual house]
Venus: I’ve been quite busy recently… wrestling in this federation… and that federation… winning and losing titles… You see, people underestimate me because of my… *Venus grins and moves gracefully across the lawn.* You see, my victories aren’t near the upsets that people would like to believe. They’d like to believe that someone who looks and acts like me, just doesn’t fit into professional wrestling. But when I hit them with the Grope/Slam… that’s all there is… they are at my mercy…
Venus sits on the steps to his porch and pets his poodle]
Venus: When I make my first appearance in the ICWF, it’ll be one that leaves a lasting impression on everyone… and I mean… everyone… *wink* *kissy face*
Chad: He’s just your type, Bob.
Bob: Ick! I feel like I need a shower!
Chad: You always need a shower.
Jessie: While we’re acquainting ourselves with some new stars here in the ICWF, let’s see a segment featuring a pair of double-tough competitors, SWAT!
(The camera shows a devastated city block, complete with overturned cars and burning pyres. Two women, one wearing black leather to compliment her dark skin, the other dressed in combat fatigues and a red beret, walk through it all.)
Woman#1: Feels like home, doesn’t it, Justice?
Justice: Sure does, Angel. Reminds me of LA after the riots.
Angel: That must been like Dante’s Inferno opening up and swallowing you whole.
Justice: (Laughs) I wouldn’t have thought of it in exactly those terms, Angel. But, I guess that’s about right. Nothing compared to the ICWF though.
Angel: Sure enough, girlie. We had some good times then, didn’t we? Tag teams, battle royals, singles wrestling. And, it ain’t over yet.
Justice: Nope, the league’s back in action. I’m looking forward to getting my hands on some old enemies, and making some new ones. There still plenty of work ahead for SWAT.
Angel: (Pouts) Work, work, work…don’t you ever have any fun?
Justice: Only when I’m watching you wrestle.
Angel: Ooo… that’s gonna cost ya!
(View returns to Jessie and the gang.)
Jessie: Now, let’s hear from the one, the only…Taskmaster!
(A medieval torture chamber, complete with Iron Maiden and torture rack, fills the screen. Suddenly, the crack of a whip is heard. A woman, dressed in a tight leather bodysuit walks in front of the camera. Her short blond hair contrasts her focused, intense eyes.)
Woman: My name is the Taskmaster. Some of you have been wondering where I disappeared to after the ICWF shut down. Well, now you know. (Task indicates the room.) I’ve been getting into shape, making sure I don’t get rusty. And, now, the time has come again. Back into the ring, back into competition. There’s going to be new blood in the ICWF. I look forward to…showing you the ropes. (Taskmaster cracks her whip again, and the camera falls over and seems to break, since the feed disconnects.)
Jessie: Well, that was certainly an exciting program, and our next will be even more so!
Bob: No doubt, Jess! We’ll be hearing from even more of our new entrants, as well as seeing them in action!
Chad: That ain’t all, Chumpsky. We’re also gonna be hearin’ from several established ICWF superstars who wanna make sure these punks know who they gotta get past for the gold! And on top o’ that, we’ll have a battle royal with a really big prize for the winner! Tell ’em, Lisa.
Lisa: So true, Chad. Yes, the winner of the battle royal will indeed be getting quite a prize. You see, we’re also having a title match between the current World’s champion, the Masked Marauder, and the current Television champ, “Gorgeous” Gretchen Gwynne. Should she win, then the winner of the battle royal will receive the vacated Television belt. Should the Marauder retain his title, then the winner will be first in line to face him for his World’s title!
Jessie: All that and more! So for my distinguished colleagues, this is Jessie James saying, “So long!”