Double main events: ICWF North American Championship is defended by Jessica Spangles as she takes on Jennifer Sanders. And the Intercontinental Tag Team Champions, The Dogs of War defend against the Body Girls.
<Jessie, Bob, and Chad stand at ringside, with an excited crowd waving and screaming all around. Colored lights flash over the arena as the latest show begins.>
Jessie: Welcome, fans, to another edition of the ICWF Saturday Showdown! I’m Jessie James, and with me are my broadcast colleagues Bob Brodsky and Chad Romero! We’ve got a lot on tap tonight, don’t we, guys?
Bob: You know it, Jess! This is our final show before Crazy 8’s, and we’ll be seeing some big stars in action, with matches like Leather and Lace taking on Celtic Thunder, and ICWF official Donna Quinn taking on the challenge of the awesome Jax!
Chad: On top ‘o that, we got some big-time action including the Python Princess against J.Q. Smooth, and Rob Foster against the All-American Punk, Gregg Thomas! An our double main event has the Body Girls accepting the challenge of the Dogs of War for the Intercontinental Tag Titles, and the Sidewinder, Jennifer Sanders, challenges Jessica Spangles for her North American belt!
Jessie: Up first, we’ve got the former ICWF champion and winner of our inaugural Crazy 8’s tourney, the Vision in Violet, as she goes against the tough Black Mamba. Let’s get the introductions from Mike Duffer!
BLACK MAMBA VS. VISION IN VIOLET
Duffer: Ladies and gentlemen, our next bout is scheduled for ten minutes with one fall. In the red corner, weighing in at 139 pounds, from the wilds of Africa, here is…the Black Mamba!!!
(Mamba wears a black leotard, with ornately printed arm and thigh bands. She is barefoot.)
Duffer: And her opponent, weighing in at 122 pounds, from Knoxville, Tennessee, accompanied by her training partner Alan Peterson, a former ICWF champion and Karen Carpenter Memorial Trophy holder, the VISION… IN… VIOLET!!!
(Big pop as Gloria Estefan’s “Everlasting Love” plays.)
Bob: Wait a minute–I thought that was Kelly Kandelski’s music?
Jessie: It used to be, but they changed it. Kelly now has some Celine Dion song for hers.
Chad: Where does she get off doing something like that?
Bob: What business is it of yours?
Jessie: The match begins–BOYS–and the Vision heads straight for the top turnbuckle … a perfect dropkick puts the Black Mamba on her back. The Vision puts in a guillotine headlock.
Lisa: Her work with an amateur wrestler seems to be paying off… she’s got the Mamba in trouble. The ref is checking… wow! Mamba is out!
Duffer: Your winner, in a time of 0:35… The VISION… in VIOLET!
Jessie: Well, I guess the Vision wanted to make a strong statement before heading into Crazy 8’s, and she did just that! Speaking of Crazy 8’s, we’ve got some pre-recorded comments from some ICWF superstars who are going in looking to make a strong impression! Here are those segments now:
(Tanya Mankiller is working out with Maria and sees the camera crew; she’s wearing red leotards and boots.)
Tanya: Hello boys, here to get some words from the next Crazy 8’s winner? Well, the slugs from the OWA, Wildshadow, Prince Frederick, the Shocker, and Mr. Excitement will be gone before you get the video rolling. Then the remaining ICWF people will fall almost as fast. No way Fisher, Spangles, and Leather will last much longer, especially when they must face me. I guess it will be a total Mankiller final.
(Maria is also working out and she wears a black two-piece posing suit and boots.)
Maria: It sure will be a Mankiller final. No one will be able to stand up to us. The OWA bozos, Davey Scott, Shogun, Sentry, and Johnny Fate sound like the nobodies they are. They are history! Then Masked Marauder will go, he’s just a crud, Vision in Violet will become a vision in blood red, and Angel will become an angel after wrestling me. She may as well reserve a seat at the pearly gates now!
(Elsewhere in the gym, Kommando Karla is preparing by stretching and doing hard military calisthenics.)
Karla: Well, you guys from the OWA are about to meet your makers. Asian Invasion, you will return to Asia via Federal Express; Rachel Ryan, I’ll take your belt and whip you with it, after I crush your head; Legion, you will need a legion to help you; and Miguel Thunder, your thunder is really a fizzle. Vixxxen, you’ll wish you had stayed in kindergarten instead of playing with us big wrestlers; J.Q. Smooth, why are you even here? You ain’t worth talking about. And Brandi, you look so perfect, too bad I’ll break you to pieces and throw you to your sister. Where’s the competition?
Jessie: Strong words from some very determined competitors. Now for our next match, featuring the Pain Sisters against the Shaft Brothers. This one should be a long, drawn-out encounter with the sides evenly matched.
Chad: Come on, Jessie. No one is matched with the Pain Sisters, except Spanish Rose, Elena, and the Mankillers. These stiffs will fall like redwoods, or maybe deadwoods.
Bob: Wrong again, Romerator. The Shafts will prevail and send the Pains back to Central and South America.
Jessie: Romerator? Well, that’s where they’ve been for the past two months, tearing up the circuits down there.
Chad: Yeah, they’ve been beating those lucky liber wrestlers down there.
Bob: Geez what a dolt! That’s lucha libre and they had some very tough matches.
Jessie: Maybe so, but they returned with a 27-0 record against the finest wrestlers Central and South America have. Here’s the Duffmeister with the announcement.
THE SHAFT BROTHERS VS. THE PAIN SISTERS
Duffer: Ladies and gentlemen. This next match is one fall, with a 30 minute time limit. Entering the ring, now accompanied by their manager, The Mechanic, at a combined weight of 499 lbs., the Shaft Brothers, Cam and Drive. (“Little Ol’ Lady From Pasadena” by Jan and Dean plays; two wrestlers run down the aisle, yelling about the wrong music and swearing vengeance on the Pain Sisters; wearing blue and red tights with hammers designed on the outside of each leg; they receive mixed boos and cheers and wave to the crowd).
Duffer: Now entering the ring, from Eden, NC, accompanied by their friend, Kommando Karla, at a combined weight of 326 lbs., the Pain Sisters, Nikki and Rikki.
(“Killer Queen” plays loudly as two thick and muscular and lovely women strut down the aisle, ignoring the fans and staring at their opponents, who are making gestures at them; the women are wearing new outfits-black and red high-cut leotards, and red boots; they climb into the ring and stare at the Shafts, pointing and threatening them).
Duffer: The referee is I.R. Crayzie, newly appointed chief referee for the 1996 Olympic Wrestling events.
Jessie: I hope he gets an eye operation before then. You suppose Mr. Shoemaker used his friendship with Turner to get that?
Chad: I would ask Mr. Turner for a favor, but I don’t like imposing. How about the Pains switching the Shaft’s music. Next you’ll hear the funeral dirge as the two bozos are carried out.
Bob: Do you know Ted Turner?
Chad: Well, yes. We both stayed at the New York Sheraton City Center at the same time. I saw him as he checked out.
Jessie: WOW! That should put you on his Christmas card list. Geez, what a putz! Here’s the bell. Cam starts and runs out to lockup with Nikki. He pushes her into the ropes and leans into her, then pulls the top rope over her head, trapping Nikki’s head. Cam’s holding the two ropes, choking her as Crayzie looks confused about stopping this. Nikki’s trying to get out, but Cam has her and keeps the pressure on. Rikki moves in, but Crayzie sees her and escorts her back. Drive runs in and slugs Nikki with a hard right to her belly, then runs back. Crayzie doesn’t see much, does he?
Bob: Well, the Shafts are only giving the two bimbos just what they deserve.
Chad: What do you suppose they will do to you if they hear you called them bimbos?
Bob: No sweat. (Looks a little concerned)
Chad: Looks like a lot of sweat from here.
Jessie: Cam finally backs off as Crayzie gets Nikki out of the ropes, but Cam moves in and puts on a front headlock and drives a knee up into her head. Wow, she went flying back, landing in a heap. She’s really dazed and doesn’t know where Rikki is. Rikki’s yelling at her to tag, but Nikki is out of it. Cam grabs her hair and drags her to his corner, where he tags Drive, who comes off the top ropes with a big elbow into her back. Nikki’s down and Drive kicks her belly.
Chad: (whispers to himself) This is not what I thought would happen.
Jessie: Drive has her up and throws her against the ropes. He runs at her with a flying forearm, but Nikki grabs the ropes and hangs on. He lunges into her, but she ducks and Drive goes over the top rope, onto the apron and floor. Rikki runs over and kicks him, then pulls his hair, standing him up for a big left to his jaw. Crayzie counts, but Drive is down. Cam runs over and picks him up, putting him on the apron. Meanwhile, Nikki tagged Rikki, who comes in slowly and confidently, just waiting for Drive to get back.
Chad: This is more like it. Look at her pull him through the ropes, yanking his hair. She stands him up and chops his throat. Drive tries to hit back, but she blocks it and chops him again, this time dropping him.
Jessie: It looks like the women are back with murder in their eyes. Rikki stomps Drive’s back as he tries to get up, and then she grabs his left leg and twists it into a step-over-toehold. She’s got that leg twisting tightly and he’s screaming in pain. Drive looks for help, but Rikki is looking at him and Nikki is ready to run in if he does. They can’t tag and Drive is pretty bad off. Rikki pulls him over to her corner and tags Nikki, maybe to let her finish him and get some revenge. Nikki jumps in and lands with a kneedrop across Drive’s chest.
Chad: This is over, let’s take a break.
Jessie: Nikki applies the same toehold and Drive gets no relief. But Nikki isn’t looking and Cam runs in and pushes her over, allowing Drive to get up and barely make the tag. Where was Rikki? She should have been there. Cam comes in and locks fingers with Nikki in a test of strength. Look at this! They keep going back and forth, with both gaining and losing ground. But Cam seems to be winning this as he pushes her backwards. Wait, Nikki spreads out his arms and drives a knee deep into his belly. That hurt and she rams another knee again. He’s really hurt now and she pulls one arm up in a brutal hammerlock, pushing it up high. He’s in pain, but she’s smiling. Nikki grabs his hair and pulls him down to the mat, ramming his face into the mat. She still has that hammerlock and keeps punishing him. He can’t make it to Drive, who’s still recovering. Cam tries to get to the ropes, but Nikki keeps him centered and helpless. Drive climbs through the ropes and Crayzie runs over to stop him. Now Rikki runs in and stomps Cam’s head and runs out.
Chad: The sign of a well-oiled team. These sisters work well together.
Bob: The sign of cheaters, just like the Cowboys of ’85, when we almost….
Chad: When you almost won a game. The NFL is a bunch of primadonnas.
Jessie: Is that Mean Joe Green over there?
Chad: Where? I need to go to the toilet.
Jessie: Nikki keeps that hammerlock on tight and Cam can’t go anywhere. Crayzie asks if he quits, but Cam laughs at him. Nikki pushes higher and Cam screams again. He’s trying to get up, but Nikki grabs his hair and slams his head into the mat. Well, Crayzie caught her and is counting. She releases at 4, but not before another head slam. Nikki tags Rikki, who rushes in before Cam can get up. She puts on the hammerlock and rubs his face across the mat. He won’t have to shave tomorrow. That arm must be really dead by now. Nikki yells something to her and Rikki releases the hold and grabs the other arm with a hammerlock. They’re trying to weaken both arms then go for the kill.
Chad: These bums need to be taught a lesson.
Jessie: Rikki very patiently works that arm, really causing a lot of pain and damage. Cam is trapped and can’t, wait; here comes Drive, running past the ref and kicking Rikki, pulling her hair and getting her off Cam. Now Nikki is in and she and Cam are tied up, but Cam is getting a beating from her fists. She has him down and pounds away at his belly while Rikki is getting a bodyslam treatment free from Drive. He drops her hard into the corner, against the turnbuckle. Drive turns to Nikki and kicks her off Cam, pulling her up and throwing her against Rikki. He helps Cam up and back to their corner and doesn’t see both women moving in, Rikki with a dropkick sending Drive through the ropes and Nikki grabbing Cam in a side headlock, twisting his head and neck and punching his lights out. Crayzie is counting Drive out, but he’s not the legal wrestler, Cam is. Drive gets back in, under Rikki’s lunge at him. But she turns before Drive can nail her with a kick. Rikki fakes for his legs and spinkicks him into the corner, then grabs his hair and puts on a side headlock.
Chad: Hey, here it comes. Watch out for the splat!
Jessie: Both women signal to each other and then run together, ramming the Shaft heads. Wow, what a mess as both Cam and Drive fall like rocks. The Pains high five and each grab a Shaft, lift him high for a powerslam. First Nikki slams Cam, then Rikki slams Drive on top of Cam. They pull them apart and each with a kneedrop across the throat and cover. These guys aren’t going anywhere, the count, 1………. 2……….3, and it’s over. For a few minutes it looked bad for the Pain Sisters, but they fought back and won big.
Duffer: The winners, in 16:47, Nikki and Rikki, the fantastic Pain Sisters.
Jessie: The girls aren’t done. They pull up the boys and throw them against the ropes, then chop them across the throat as they come off. Now they’re leaving. Let’s go to Lisa with the winners.
THE PAIN SISTERS
Lisa: Hi fans, I’m here with the Pain Sisters, who won a big match with very little doubt about which team was better. (The sisters crowd in close to Lisa.) Oh my, how are you tonight?
Rikki: Hi Lisa, how are you? (Moving in tighter) This was a useless match for us. We need better competition to prove we’re championship caliber. We want the Zents, Body Girls, even the Mankillers. This wrestling Savant, Hogan, and crud like this is no good for us.
Nikki: Yeah, we need to get in with some real wrestlers, maybe Spanish Rose and Elena, the Queens, or the SWAT Team or something like that.
Lisa: Well, maybe the ICWF will give you that competition. You deserve a title shot and should get one soon. Maybe the Amazons will be worthy opponents.
Rikki: Yeah, but we’ll go through them like a hot knife through butter.
Lisa: Have you been working extra hard in the gym? You both look more buffed.
Nikki: Yes, we have. Thank you noticing. Do you like it?
Lisa: Hhmmm, yes. You both look very ready for anyone.
Rikki: Thanks, we are. We need to go clean up; we’ll be back later to watch the rest of these matches. See ya.
Jessie: I hope Lisa recovers from that interview. She’s a bit dazzled. We’ll be back with more great ICWF action after this!
Jessie: Our next contest brings back one of the best referees we have in the ICWF, Donna Quinn. She’s a former NCAA wrestling champion, who beat the best to win her title at 129.5 lbs.
Chad: Wowie! That’s just great! A real life wrestling champion. Look who she’s facing, Jax, a monster who will eat her for a snack.
Bob: Maybe Jax is big, but she could win with her speed and conditioning.
Jessie: That’s right Bob. She has won before, but it was against a jobber who wins about half his matches. Let’s go to Mike Duffer.
Chad: What, no Dufferator, Dufferooski, or other stupid Duff stuff?
Jessie: Chad, have you been taking your medication?
JAX VS. DONNA QUINN
Duffer: Ladies and gentlemen. This next match is one fall with a 20 minute time limit. Now entering the ring accompanied by a large masked man who remains unidentified, at 375 lbs., The Master of Disaster, Jax.
(“Hard As A Rock” plays loudly as a huge man stalks down the aisle; he slowly climbs into the ring and yells loudly as though it’s feeding time and he needs his food; he wears black and red tights with stripe down the legs; the fans boo him and he responds with a wave and sneer).
(“Hammer To Fall” by Queen plays. A lean, strong young woman runs down the aisle to the cheers of the fans. She high-fives them as she passes.)
Duffer: Now entering the ring, accompanied by her friends, Cheerleader Bambi and Jeri Taylor, from Jackson, MS, at 144 lbs., the former NCAA 129.5 lb. Champion and now the greatest referee in the ICWF, here’s Donna Quinn.
(She wears a black thong bikini, black and white striped crop top, black kneepads and matching boots.)
Duffer: The referee is I.R. Crayzie, soon to be at the Olympics.
Jessie: This will be an interesting match, but she could be hurt against this monster. Look at Jax laughing at her. He and that huge man he’s with are pointing and laughing at Quinn and her friends. Here’s the bell. Jax slowly walks out and grabs Quinn, throwing her against the ropes. She falls into the ropes and gets tangled and Jax grabs her head and pounds her with his huge left. She’s really hurt and Crayzie tries to break it up, but Jax backs off laughing. Quinn gets up shaking her head and Jax grabs an arm and throws her across the ring into a turnbuckle. She flies into the turnbuckle back first. God, look at the pain on her face.
Chad: Great! I’ll bet that felt real good. Maybe she should go home and start knitting.
Jessie: Jax runs at her and squashes her into the corner. A couple of those and she’ll be part of the corner. Jax pulls her out of the corner and throws her across the ring. She lands hard on her right side, just lying there in a heap. Jax runs and leaps into the air, but Donna rolls away and he lands on his belly, knocking the wind from his lungs. Quinn gets up, but she’s dazed and shakes her head, trying to shake the cobwebs. She grabs his left leg and kneedrops the back of his knee, then pulls back on it, using her right knee as the fulcrum. She’s pulling back hard, trying to separate the joint. Jax is starting to feel the pain now. Look at his face.
Bob: He isn’t laughing now. Maybe he’ll have more respect for Donna Quinn.
Chad: Why? This is just a temporary thing. He’ll rip her heart out in a minute.
Jessie: She still has that knee lock and he ain’t exactly smiling about it. Jax tries to reach back, but she slaps his head and pulls back on his hair. Crayzie breaks it, but she quickly stands, then drops a knee on that leg again. She puts on that same knee hold and Jax is really hurting now. Quinn stands and places a foot inside the back of her knee. She pulls the knee up and stomps her foot hard onto the mat, stomping on the knee. She repeats it and then falls with an elbow drop into the back of that same knee. Quinn’s slowly destroying that knee, then she’ll go after the other and slowly put him away.
Chad: That’s baloney! He’ll twist her head off and…..
Bob: That’s enough, this is a family show!
Jessie: Yeah, sure is; some people beating each other and families will crowd around to watch. She’s got that leg bent back and now she’s twisting it, really wrenching that knee. Jax is slowly going for the ropes and finally makes it. Crayzie warns Donna to break and she does after stomping that knee. She backs off and waits for Jax to stand. She’s laughing as he tries, but the leg won’t support him and he rests against the ropes. Quinn moves in and kicks the knee, dropping him to the mat. Before he can grab the ropes, she pulls him to the center and applies a mean step-over-toehold on the same leg. He’s slapping the mat in pain, but Quinn keeps twisting. He sits up trying to reach her hair, but she slaps him hard, rattling his head. That leg must not be worth much. Hey! His partner comes running in and kicks Donna, sending her sprawling. Get that bum out of here!
Chad: Good teamwork. These guys are good together.
Jessie: Yeah, too bad Jax is the one who must face her. Donna stands and rushes to Jax before he rolls onto the apron. She grabs his right leg and pulls him back, but he’s caught in the ropes. She has him twisted and has his right leg wrapped around the bottom rope, stomping on it. Crayzie finally breaks it up, but she kicks Jax hard in the right knee. His trying to get up, but his legs are very shaky and Donna runs in with a big flying dropkick sending him into the ropes and falling to the mat. She really connected with his face on that one. Jax looks dazed and shakes his head. He looks around in disbelief as this little girl is kicking his butt and making him look like a fool. He struggles to his feet and slowly comes out to meet her. She fakes a kick to his legs and sends a deadly spin kick to his head. He falls back against the ropes, but stays up. He’s shaking his head as she kicks his right knee out from under him. He’s down and Donna leaps high with a devastating elbow drop into his neck. She drove that elbow in hard and quickly sits on his back, grabbing his hair, slamming his face into the mat. Crayzie’s trying to break this up, but she keeps slamming him. She stops at 4 and the ref warns her or he’ll disqualify her.
Bob: Hey, Chadarino, we don’t hear anything from you.
Chad: I need to go to the head.
Jessie: Crayzie pushes Quinn back to a corner and let’s Jax get up. He’s really shaky and unaware of what’s going on. Even Gregg Thomas didn’t do this much damage. He stands and looks around, but Donna runs in and with a flying dropkick, sends him over the top rope. He flops off the rope and falls to the apron, then flat on the floor. Donna quickly climbs to the top rope and flies off, landing with a big leg bomb across his throat. His legs fly up and flop on the floor. She really knows how to take advantage of her opponents. Quinn pulls his hair and sits him up for a big kick to his chest. She grabs his hair and lays his throat across the rail, stomping on his neck. God, look at his tongue stick out; he can’t breathe. She’s finished him for good now.
Chad: Yeah, but Crayzie’s counting them both. She gets back in at 18, but now he must start over for Jax.
Jessie: Donna’s pacing back and forth like a tiger waiting for her prey, but Jax ain’t moving. No, wait, his partner’s helping him up onto the apron and pushes him in. Jax stumbles around and Donna clamps on a side headlock, twisting his head and neck. She has him down to his knees trying to push her off. She has his head clamped tight and he’s unable to push her away.
He can’t even stand without the ropes. Quinn shifts around and has a front headlock. Crayzie’s checking for a choke, but she’s too smooth for him. She slams a knee into his head with a vicious kneelift sending him onto his back. He’s rolling around in pain and Quinn just keeps stomping his knees. She can win whenever she wants, but instead she’s climbing up and waiting for him. Jax rolls over onto his back and she flies off with another elbow across his throat. Geez, he’s gagging and barely breathing. Quinn grabs both legs and slowly applies her figure-four leglock. He tries to roll away, but she has him and puts on that deadly leglock. He’s screaming in pain, but she just lays back, pouring on the pressure. She’s grinning as he can’t get away and just screams in pain. Crayzie keeps asking him, but he shakes his head. Donna keeps the pressure and Jax just cries out. That’s it, Crayzie’s stopped the match. He waves for the bell. Jax cries out, but it’s too late, and probably good for Jax that the ref stopped it.
(The fans cheer loudly for her)
Duffer: The winner, at 14:47, the great ICWF referee, Donna Quinn.
Jessie: Wow, what a win! She couldn’t match his strength so she took away his and worked on his legs. She’s one smart cookie. Let’s go to Lisa with the winner.
Lisa: Hi fans, I’m here with Donna Quinn. That was one great match. You really worked him over with those leg locks.
Donna: Well, he’s too strong for me, so I went after his legs and beat him bad. He really isn’t very good, just big and I was able to punish him.
Lisa: Do you think your fans like that style of yours? You are a great ref, but really break all the rules as a wrestler.
Donna: When I wrestle, I go all out to win. If my opponent plays by the rules, then I will, too. But if he cheats, then he should be prepared to meet his match, and that’s me. The fans will go along.
Lisa: What’s next for you?
Donna: I’d like to wrestle about once a month and ref the rest of the time. I’m sure I can be a champion, but I like to ref and then move up to promoter and ICWF official. Maybe even run the ICWF for Mr. Shoemaker. I have to run now, Mr. Shoemaker is taking me out to dinner tonight. He really is a dazzler. He knows Ted Turner, you know.
Lisa: Billionaire Ted? Wow! He must be one of those guys who likes movies! Anyway, thank you Donna.
Donna: My pleasure. (She strides away, waving to the fans.)
Lisa: There you have it, Jess. She certainly is a strong-willed woman and knows what she wants.
Jessie: That she is. Let’s break for our sponsors.
Jessie: This next match will be an exciting one. These two will wrestle until one finally drops.
Chad: That will be Taylor. He’s stupid for taking this challenge. Maybe he’ll recover at another fed after she throws him out of here.
Bob: You don’t know anything. He’s going to win with his strength and stamina.
She’ll be leaving town just….
Chad: Just like your Bucs of ’84.
Jessie: Now now boys. Let’s be nice or I’ll throw you both out. Here’s Mike Duffer.
KOMMANDO KARLA VS. KEVIN TAYLOR
Duffer: Ladies and gentlemen. This next match is one fall with a 20 minute time limit. (“Hit Me With Your Best Shot” by Pat Benatar plays loudly. The crowd starts booing and jeering as Karla starts down toward the ring. She wears a camouflage jacket, which she removes to reveal camouflage thong bikini bottom, matching crop-top, and black boots. She tosses her black beret to the crowd. Her muscular legs, arms and body look amazing in the glow of the lighting.) Now entering the ring, accompanied by her manager, the former German Women’s’ Champion, Karin Kleger, at 179 lbs., from New York City, here’s Kommando Karla.
(A muscular man runs down the aisle, high-fiving the fans who cheer him on. He wears a red, white, and blue jacket, dark blue trunks, and red and white boots. He jumps into the ring, bounding over the top rope. His thick body is very muscular and impressive. Just behind him is his partner, Ray Fisher.)
Duffer: Now entering the ring, accompanied by his partner, Ray Fisher, at 243 lbs., the up and coming star, Kevin Taylor. The referee is I.R. Crayzie.
Jessie: These two will not let up for a minute. Both want this match and have prepared hard for this. He’s a lot like Gregg Thomas and he had a great match against Karla.
Chad: Yeah, but she won and he suffered.
Bob: She won, but then asked Gregg to become her partner.
Jessie: That shows great intelligence on her part.
Chad: She got over that mistake and forgot about that loser Thomas.
Jessie: Actually, she’s asked Thomas to be her partner several times, but never got an answer. Here’s the bell. They both run out and lock up, straining against each other. He pushes her into the ropes and release her, stepping back with a clean break. She’s stunned and looks at him in disbelief. They lock up and once again, his strength gives him the advantage as he pushes her into the ropes. Crayzie steps in, but Taylor steps back with another clean break. Karla quickly steps up and slaps Kevin. He stands there and smiles at her, shaking his finger at her as if to say, you shouldn’t do that. Karla’s confused over this guy who fights clean.
Bob: Kevin has her number and she’s going to lose. This will be fun to watch.
Chad: Yeah, I’ll have fun as he’s carried out on a stretcher.
Jessie: They lock up again and he quickly drops and pulls up a leg, dropping her on her butt. He puts on a step-over-toehold and twists hard. She tries to roll away, but can’t get to the ropes. He has that leg twisted and has her crying out. Kevin pulls her to the center and drops a knee onto her thigh. That leg will be hurt and damaged if she can’t get out. He has her in real pain, but she is tough and may come back. She’s slowly moving to the ropes, but he pulls her back. He moves to jump onto her knee, but she nails him with a foot to his chest, sending him backwards. She’s up, but not doing too well. Karla tries to stay away from Kevin, but he moves in. She keeps that bad leg back and Kevin goes for it. He dives at her, but she moves aside and he falls into the ropes and Karla quickly kicks his back and stomps his neck.
Chad: Now you’re seeing the real Karla. She’ll make short work of bozo now.
Jessie: Karla pulls him up by an arm and twists it into an armbar. She’s got him good and now kicks his chest. Crayzie warns him, but she kicks him again.
She looks at Crayzie and dares him to interfere. Karla steps over the arm and sits hard on it, driving Taylor into the mat. She’s pulling back on that arm and he’ll feel it tomorrow. She has that arm pulled back and Kevin can’t get away. He tries to crawl to the ropes, but Karla moves to stop him. Karla twists to clamp that arm, but Kevin slips out. The sweat from the hot lights have made both slippery. She grabs for his arm, but Kevin rolls away and stands, rubbing his arm and shoulder. Karla stands and stalks him, trying to get to that arm. He keeps away and holds her off. They lock up and Karla moves him into the ropes. She’s got him tied up and drives a knee into his belly, again and again. She pulls his hair and throws him across the ring. Her strength is coming through and he’ll feel it now.
Chad: In spades and then we’ll have to visit him at intensive care.
Jessie: She runs at him and kicks him square in the chest. She grabs an arm and throws him into a turnbuckle. She pulls that arm again and yanks him for another toss across the ring, but he reverses it and sends her slamming into the turnbuckle. She bounced off and fell to the mat. A quick grab of an arm and she’s up and sent sprawling across the ring from an arm toss. Taylor doesn’t waste much time as he grabs an arm and throws her into a corner. Karla rams into the turnbuckle back first and just stands there stunned. She’s winded and Kevin moves in, pulls her head down for a front headlock. Crayzie checks for a choke, but Taylor doesn’t choke. He has her in a bad way with that pressure on her head. He switches to a side headlock and starts grinding her head and neck.
Bob: Wow, he must be something. She’s down on one knee as he just squeezes and grinds away. Karla gets up, showing a lot of guts and manages to throw him off, against the ropes. Kevin bounces off and nails her with a cross-body block, sending her flying. He runs to the ropes again and comes off with another tackle as she stands. Kevin has her up for a slam and drives her into the mat. He drops on her for the pin, 1……….2…, and a shoulder is up.
Jessie: That was close, but too early for a veteran like Karla. Taylor pulls her up by an arm and clamps on a bearhug. Listen to Karla grunt in pain as he tightens those arms around her. She’s trying to push his chin, but he won’t let go.
Chad: Come on Karla, don’t let this punk beat you. You better take him or we’re through!
Jessie: That certainly will get her going. I thought you and Rose were an item. Oh well, your funeral (I hope). Karla finally jabs at his throat a couple of times and he releases, dropping her as he clutches his throat. Karla backs off to rest, but Kevin isn’t coming after her. He’s still rubbing his throat. What a lost shot at ending this. Karla moves in and kicks his belly. Taylor doubles over and Karla grabs his hair, pulling him into a corner where she slams his head into the turnbuckle. Crayzie tries to stop it, but she’s crazy and keeps slamming him. She breaks at 4, then quickly moves in and starts again. She pulls him out and throws him against the ropes, jamming his throat with a vicious chop as he comes off the ropes.
Chad: Now you’re seeing the real Karla. No more patty-cakes with this sap.
Jessie: Kevin’s down and Karla kneedrops his head, then jumps on him and puts on a waist scissors, headlock combination. She’s squeezing hard and Taylor feels it. Those legs of hers are like trees and she’s got them wrapped around him tight. Taylor’s head is trapped in her arms. He’ll have a good headache after this. Crayzie checks for a choke, but Karla’s too smart. She pulls Taylor’s head back, straining his neck muscles. She just slipped that arm around his throat and Taylor’s kicking his feet as she chokes him. Crayzie caught her and counts. Karla releases, but the damage is done. Karla gets up and catches Taylor with a kick to his head, sending him sprawling across the ring. She struts over to him, waving to the hateful crowd and grabs his hair, but Kevin headbutts her, stunning her. She backs off, but Taylor grabs an arm and twists it into a hammerlock, then yanks back on her chin.
This guy will not break rules. She’s twisted up and tries to get free, but she’s stuck in the center of the ring.
Bob: Well Chad, I guess this looks bad for your heroine. I’m so fearful of her losing.
Jessie: Kevin has her arm jerked up high and twists it. Karla tries to twist out, but Kevin hangs on tight. She moves to the left, but then quickly moves right and slams an elbow into his ribs. He hangs on, but she drives that elbow again and just gets out after a third elbow. She moves away and rubs that shoulder and arm. Taylor comes at her and goes for her arm, but she ducks and pulls up his left leg, dropping him on his back. She kneedrops his leg and kicks the thigh, trying to deaden it. Karla pulls that leg and stomps on the knee, then kicks it and kneedrops it. She pulls the leg to the ropes and lays it on the bottom rope. Karla jumps high and lands on the leg with a knee. Kevin screams in pain and Karla just laughs, then drags him out and stomps on the leg again. Kevin tries to kick her, but she hangs on. He kicks her again and manages to roll away, but Karla runs after him. She grabs his hair and clamps on a side headlock, twisting and squeezing his head. She can do some real damage with this. She’s won before with that hold. But Kevin has other ideas. He lifts her in a side suplex and throws her backwards onto her head and neck.
Bob: Well, that should take care of her. She’s been around too long anyway.
Jessie: Karla’s down and looks really hurt. Kevin shakes his head and pulls her up by an arm, lifts her high for a slam and dumps her very hard on her back. Karla is hurt now and Kevin lifts her again. She’s up high on his shoulders for an airplane spin. Taylor spins her and throws her down in a heap. Karla is barely moving and Kevin drops an elbow on her back to keep her down. Karla is nearly out and Kevin rolls her over for a pin. Here’s the count, 1……….2.., and she kicks out! How did she do that?
Chad: She ain’t quittin’ Jess.
Jessie: Yeah, but she isn’t ready for a comeback. Kevin rolls her over and pins her again, but Karla kicks out and rolls away. Kevin tries to grab her, but Karla rolls under the ropes and drops to the floor for a rest. She’s really been beat up in this match and needs some time to get it together. Kevin keeps an eye on her and she’s climbing back in. This is just amazing, he lets her back in without interfering. He thinks he’s at a tea party. Karla moves in and they lock up. Karla tries to move him into the ropes, then twists out and puts on a side headlock. A few punches to his face and he’s dazed. Crayzie breaks it up, but she comes right back and nails him with a few more punches. Kevin better do something fast or she could have the match. She grabs his hair and puts on a front headlock. She has him ready and drives a knee into his head with a deadly kneelift. Kevin is stood up and staggers backward. But she grabs him again and another headlock and vicious kneelift sending him back and down. Karla pulls him up and lifts him with a perfect belly-to-back suplex, dropping him square on his head and neck. Karla quickly picks him up and clamps on a standing headscissors. She’s got him in an inverted position, jumps, and DRIVES his head into the canvas! God, he bounced off the mat and flopped over.
Chad: She’s got him now. May as well end it now.
Jessie: Karla has him up for another piledriver–wham! Kevin is out, and Karla just rolls him onto his back and lies across his chest for the pin. The count, 1……….2……….3, and it’s over. Karla’s tired, but it looks like she had more than Kevin. She’s definitely a powerful wrestler.
Duffer: The winner at 16:47, Kommando Karla, the strongest wrestler in the ICWF.
Jessie: You know, she just may be the strongest wrestler at that. Let’s go to Lisa with the winner.
Lisa: Hi fans, with me is Karla, the winner. Good match Karla.
Karla: Thanks Lisa. It was a tough match, but you all saw how I came back and won. No one will be able to stand up to me. That crummy Arlechino was lucky with that pin. I’ll kill him next time.
Lisa: What do you think of this young wrestler, Kevin Taylor?
Karla: Well, he is good and a very tough customer. He came back even after I gave him everything I had. The kid is good and can take a real beating. You know, maybe he and I should get together as a tag team. Hey, Kevin, come here.
(Kevin staggers over, massaging his skull and neck, with Ray Fisher standing behind him.)
Lisa: Wow, she’s calling her opponent, Kevin Taylor over. Hi Kevin, sorry about the match, but she is very good.
Kevin: Lisa, she’s EXCELLENT. Imagine how good she’d be if she obeyed the rules. I’ll have to check with my manager about teaming up with you. It would be an honor to team with you, but I will not change my tactics just for this team. Also, my current partner is Ray here, and I’m committed to that.
Karla: I don’t want you to. You’re a hell of a great wrestler as is. Your strength, stamina, and power are just what we need to clobber the rest of the ICWF. Look, I was thinking: nobody’s gone after Feminine Force and those six-man belts. Whaddaya say you, Ray, and me take out those perfumed princesses and get those straps?
Kevin: Ray? What do you think?
Ray: Let’s do it! I like the Vision and Kelly and Jessica, but after they won those belts, nobody’s challenged them. It’s a great idea!
Kevin: Looks like it’s a go, Karla! I’ll have to notify Miss Lancaster, but she’ll approve, I’m sure.
Karla: Great! C’mon, guys, I’ve gotta clean up. Let’s talk about it.
(Karla takes his arm, and Karen Kleiger takes Ray’s. They all walk off toward the dressing rooms.)
Lisa: Well, back to you, Jessie.
Jessie: Thanks Lisa. Let’s go to our sponsors and then to our next match.
Jessie: We’re back! Next up is a tag match between Leather and Lace and Celtic Thunder.
Bob: And we’d also like to welcome —
Chad: Speak for yourself, Brodsky!
Bob: — one of the true LEGENDS of our sport. Sandy Streets, the North American Dream!
Sandy: Naaaa den! Ah’m proud to be here in da Eye See Dubblya Eff, wheah da BIG boys pl–
Chad: Wrong federation, you nimrod.
Sandy: You bettah treat me with respect, young fellah, or Ah’m gonna use mah fisties on yo’ belly-welly, eef you weeeeel.
Chad: Jeez! We just ran Bitchoff and Okraland out and we get this dweeb! ‘North American Dream’, huh? More like an English teacher’s nightmare!
Bob: Pay no attention to him Dream. He’s just jealous. I’m very happy to have you here.
Chad: Of course you are. This guy makes *you* look like a genius.
Sandy: Waall thanks, Bobby! And who’s dis enchanting veeesion of femannun — feemananet — who’s dis lubbly lady?
Jessie: My name’s Jessie James, Sandy.
Sandy: Pleezed ta meetcha, liddle lady. Jessie James! A fahn name, eef you weeel. An’ now, who’s dis we gonna see in da ring?
Jessie: Let’s go to Mike Duffer to find out.
CELTIC THUNDER VS. LEATHER AND LACE
Duffer: Ladies and gentlemen, now entering the ring area, hailing from Dublin, Ireland are Shawn Malone and Andy Connors….CELTIC THUNDER!!!
<Connors and Malone stumble down the aisle to the ring, waving mugs of Guinness at the fans, and spilling much of it in the process.>
Sandy: Naa den! Dese fellers got da right idea! Have a liddle ob dat fahn brew!
Duffer: Their opponents <music: ‘Leather and Lace’ by Stevie Nicks and Don Henley> hail from New York City and Boston Masschusetts. Accompanied by their manager, Penny Lancaster, here are Molly McGee and Sandra Andrews, LEATHER AND LAAAAAACE! <Leather is in all black, from her leather jacket to her motorcycle boots. Lace is in her red bikini, covered by a red cape. Upon reaching the ring, they remove the jacket and cape and hand them to ring attendants>
Jessie: We’re getting ready to start — Shawn Malone and Andy Connors have intercepted the ring boys carrying Leather and Lace’s jacket and cape — Malone is using Lace’s cape to wipe the Guinness from his mouth, while Connors is wiping his boots with Leather’s jacket!
Chad: And Leather and Lace are going ballistic! They attack before the bell! Leather HAMMERS Connors to the mat with a forearm and starts putting the boots to him! Lace whips Malone to the corner! He staggers out right into a big dropkick! Malone goes through the ropes!
Sandy: Dese wimmen are stompin’ a mudhole in dose two ole boys! Oooh! Deah’s anuddah boot raht in da belly-welly! Dat ole boy’s gonna be hurtin’ fo’ a LONG tahm!
Jessie: Now Lace goes to the top rope. Malone’s on his feet again, but looks pretty shaky. Lace with a moonsault on Malone! Shawn Malone hits the guardrail HARD!
Chad: Leather and Lace are finally showing me they’re a team to be reckoned with. Now the bell rings and the match is officially under way! The ref’s telling Lace to get to her corner, but she’s not done with Malone yet! She picks him up and drops him across the guardrail!
Sandy: Ooooh mah! Dat ole boy’s gonna be singin’ sopranooooo!
Bob: This is a side of Leather and Lace that we’ve never seen before.
Chad: I LIKE this side!
Jessie: Lace seems satisfied for the moment and goes to her corner. Looks like Andy Connors and Leather are the legal wrestlers. Leather is still stomping on Connors! He’s in the ropes — she kicks him UNDER the ropes and out onto the floor! Malone’s recovered somewhat. He picks up a fresh bottle of Guinness and pours it over Connors’ head! Now Connors is reviving and he returns the favor!
Sandy: It’s beginnin’ ta smell like a brewery aroun’ heah!
Chad: You should know.
Bob: Connors rolls back into the ring. He and Leather lock up. Connors with a hip toss. He runs into the ropes and comes off with a butt-drop — Leather rolled away and Connors hit hard!
Chad: (sniffs) Smells like Connors ate a few beans before getting here.
Sandy: Remahnds me o’ home.
Chad: That figures.
Jessie: Leather picks Connors up and whips him into the ropes. She catches him with a tilt-a-whirl slam as he comes off! Tag out to Lace. Double team action here, as Lace goes to the top. Leather with a bodyslam on Connors, then Lace comes off with a splash!
Sandy: Dat looks lahk a blivet.
Bob: What’s a blivet?
Sandy: Two pounds o’ sh<BLEEP> in a one pound bag.
Chad: You had to ask, didn’t you Dopesky?
Jessie: Lace hauls Connors up and whips him to the ropes. She catches him in a flying headscissors as he comes off! Connors manages to roll to his corner and tag Shawn Malone. Malone steps through the ropes and right into a dropkick! Lace with an armbar — now she sits on Malone’s arm, driving him to the canvas.
Sandy: Naa den! Dat coulda ripped his ahm raht off!
Jessie: Lace back to her feet now. She pulls Malone over to her corner. Leather has her foot on the top rope and Lace slams Malone’s face into Leather’s boot. Leather tags back in. Leather and Lace whip Malone back first into the corner. Lace is ordered out of the ring, and Leather takes over with punches!
Sandy: She be clubberin’ dat ole boy wit’ her fisties!
Jessie: Uh – right. Now the ref orders Leather to break. Leather steps back and Malone falls on his face! Leather picks Malone up and presses him overhead — she tosses him to the outside at Penny Lancaster’s feet!
Chad: Connors is heading that way with a fresh bottle of Guinness — he shakes it up, and sprays it at Malone, trying to revive him, but he hit Penny Lancaster with some of the spray! She’s furious!
Bob: After what she did to Yakuza I wouldn’t want her mad at me!
Sandy: Whut’s dat liddle lady gone do? She so sweet lookin’!
Jessie: I think we’re about to fahnd out.
Jessie: Sorry, it’s kind of contagious. The ref’s busy keeping Leather from going out after Malone. Penny takes her glasses off and kicks off her shoes. Connors is helping Malone up. Penny taps Connors on the shoulder.
Chad: And the big dope turns around right into a superkick! Connors crashes into Malone and they’re both down! Lace runs along the apron and drops an elbow onto BOTH Connors and Malone!
Sandy: Oooh man! Dat Celtic Tundah is gettin’ clubbahed good!
Jessie: Lace picks them up one at a time and pushes them under the bottom rope. Leather picks one up over each shoulder! She tags Lace, who heads for the top rope! Leather carries both Malone and Connors to the top as well! DOUBLE SUPERPLEX BY LEATHER! Now Lace with a DOUBLE LEGDROP, nailing both members of Celtic Thunder! Leather and Lace with a DOUBLE ROADKILL!
Sandy: Man, dem Celtic Tundah look lahk da splotches on mah belly-welly!
Jessie: Lace and Malone are the legal wrestlers. She kneels across his chest! Leather does the same on Connors! One, two THREE! That’s it!
Chad: I must admit, I’m impressed. And I don’t impress easy, Jess!
Sandy: Dere shore was a lotta clubberin’ goin’ on in dat match! Dem Celtic Tundah boys was usin’ plundah on each uddah, but it didn’t do ’em any good AYtall!
Bob: Sandy, thanks for sitting in with us. Come back any time.
Sandy: Thanks, Bobby! You ever tink o’ gettin’ a nickname? Bobby ‘Da Brain’ Brodsky! Kinda has a nahss ring to it!
Chad: More like Boob Brodsky.
Bob: Romero, some day you’re gonna go too far.
Chad: And then what? You’ll call your mommy?
LEATHER AND LACE
Jessie: I hate to break up this stimulating conversation, but I’m here with Leather and Lace, along with Penny Lancaster. That was an impressive display, ladies.
Leather: That wuz nothin’! Celtic Thunder — Celtic Blunder is more like it! You do NOT disrespect us the way you did! Anybody who tries gets the SAME TREATMENT!
Lace: I’d just like to reinforce what my partner said: Leather and Lace will NOT be treated with disrespect! We WILL destroy you the same way we destroyed these drunken idiots!
Penny: Celtic Thunder, I’m not particularly proud of what I did. I know I should hold my temper. But you went over the line, gentlemen, and I use the term VERY loosely. You WILL be receiving our dry cleaning bills for what you did. I hope you haven’t spent all your money on that swill you brought to the ring.
Jessie: There you have it — these ladies are still angry. We’ll be back after these messages.
Chad: That goof Duffer has the next match.
CHASE STERN VS. DENISE DUNCAN
Duffer: Thanks Chad! Now entering the ring, Chase Stern! His opponent, from Stockbridge, Massachusetts, at five feet nine inches tall and weighing one hundred and seventy pounds, ‘Deadly’ Denise Duncan! <Duncan has red hair tied back in a ponytail. She’s wearing a black robe. She ignores the fans, letting them cheer or boo as they want. She keeps her gaze focused on Sanderson. Reaching the ring, she removes the robe, revealing a black posing bikini and boots. Denise is followed by her sister Deborah and Penny Lancaster>.
Chad: I don’t know why a great talent like Denise Duncan is hooking up with that bunch of goody two-shoes! She’d do better with — well —
Bob: You, Romero?
Chad: Well, yeah. I could get her to wrestle to her potential.
Jessie: There’s the bell. Stern relies a great deal on the martial arts to win his matches. Duncan’s got a great deal of wrestling ability, and she’s not afraid to brawl when she has to. This should be an interesting match. Chase Stern locks up with Deborah Duncan. They’re testing each other out. Duncan forces Stern into the ropes, and there’s a clean break!
Chad: I told ya! Penny Lancaster and her bunch are gonna ruin Denise Duncan!
Bob: There’s another lockup. This time it’s Stern who forces Duncan back. The ref calls for the break — Stern slaps Duncan on the break! Duncan’s ready to explode, and Stern ducks through the ropes. Ref Tommy Evans is having a tough time keeping Denise Duncan back!
Chad: That’s it, Denise! Get mad!
Jessie: They lock up again. Duncan pushes Stern off. She whips him into the ropes — Stern reverses. Spin wheel kick by Chase — Duncan ducks it! Denise Duncan with a kick to Stern’s midsection. She snaps him up — powerbomb by Denise Duncan!
Chad: Look at that idiot Debbie Duncan out there. You’d think she was a cheerleader or something!
Bob: Yeah, look at her….
Jessie: Bob! Stop drooling! Chase Stern is slowly getting to his feet. Denise Duncan wipes the sweat off her forehead and flips it in Stern’s face! Stern charges in with a kick — Duncan catches his foot and dumps him on his back! She turns it into a stepover toehold. She’s putting pressure on Stern’s knee. Chase Stern is able to reach the ropes.
Chad: The big baby. He pulls himself up now. Duncan locks up with Stern and Stern whips her into the ropes. He nails her with a kick to the belly, now Stern with an axe kick to the back of Duncan’s head. He goes for the cover — but Duncan kicks out. I think that move surprised Duncan — it sure surprised me!
Jessie: That move also seemed to anger Duncan. She slugs Stern in the stomach. A kneelift sends him staggering back into the corner. There’s a chop by Duncan — returned by Stern. Headbutt by Duncan! Forearm uppercut by Denise and Stern’s down! The ref’s trying to get her to break, but Duncan is stomping on Stern.
Chad: Yeah! That’s better!
Bob: Duncan finally steps back for a moment. She ignores the referee and pulls Stern up by the hair. Whoa! Big right to the jaw and Stern is down again! Stern rolls under the ropes, looking for a time out.
Chad: Yeah, sissy sports like football have time outs, but not wrestling! Denise goes right out after Stern. She drops on him from the apron with a flying axhandle! She pulls him up by the hair again — there’s a whip into the ringsteps! That’s it!
Jessie: Denise rolls back into the ring, breaking the count. Now she’s going back out and — what’s she doing?
Chad: She’s setting up a table at ringside!
Jessie: Now she pulls Stern up over her shoulder and takes him to the top rope! Stern’s pretty much out of it! She gives the sign — here it comes! The brainbuster from the top rope and — Oh My GOD — SHE’S GONNA DO IT ON THE TABLE!
Bob: I can’t look —
Chad: WHAM! The table’s in pieces, and Chase Stern’s in worse shape! He’s busted wide open by that move!
Jessie: Denise picks Chase Stern up and rolls him into the ring. She goes to the top rope —
Bob: That’s uncalled for!
Chad: She don’t think so! Elbowdrop from the top rope!
Jessie: Now Denise puts one foot on Stern’s chest and flexes —
Bob: That’s disgusting!
Chad: No it’s not! I love it!
Jessie: And there’s an easy three count for Denise Duncan!
Chad: And there’s the stretcher for Chase Stern.
Jessie: Duncan’s on her way back to the dressing room, while the paramedics start carting Stern off–wait a minute! Who’s this running down the aisle?
Chad: It–it’s a couple of guys in black! We can’t see their faces! You don’t think they’re part of that guy Prophecy’s group, do you?
Bob: I don’t know!
Jessie: They’ve dumped Stern’s stretcher over, and now they’re kicking and stomping away on him! We’ve got to get some kind of order restored down there!
Bob: They’re setting him up–OH MY GOD!!! A spike piledriver onto the concrete! If Stern wasn’t hurt before, he’s DEFINITELY injured now!
Chad: Jeez, they’re settin’ him up again–NO! Here comes the suits! The ICWF officials are storming in there, and the guys in black beat a hasty retreat!
Jessie: Fans, we’ll try to get this sorted out. We’ll be back after these messages!
Jessie: Our next match is between one-half of the Snake Sisters, the Python Princess and the man with the attitude, J. Q. Smooth.
Chad: I hate these matches — I like Smooth, but Her Highness is one of my favorites too! Why the heck couldn’t she fight some goody-goody?
Bob: Come on Romero, are you saying just because these are two wrestlers YOU like they shouldn’t fight each other?
Chad: Right! I’ve gotta have a word with the booking committee.
Bob: Well, these two both disgust me!
Chad: Yeah, I heard you called the ICWF Hot Line on Wednesday night just to hear Her Highness’ voice.
Bob: Who squealed — I mean, I don’t know what you’re talking about.
Jessie: (sigh) Let’s go to Mike Duffer for the introductions.
PYTHON PRINCESS VS. JQ SMOOTH
Duffer: This is a one fall match with a thirty minute time limit. Introducing first, <Music: Also Sprach Zarathustra> standing five feet nine inches tall and weighing one seventy-five, the Python Princess! (The Princess is in her usual snakeskin patterned thong-back leotard, snakeskin patterned mask and boots. She tosses her black cape to a ring attendant. Sidewinder Sanders follows the Princess to the ring. Crowd reaction is mixed, with a large group of fans holding up posters of the Snake Sisters.) And her opponent… <the opening strains of Barry White’s “Can’t Get Enough of Your Love, Baby” come through the loudspeakers> …he is six feet, three inch tall and weighs in at 236 pounds, from St. Louis, Missouri and accompanied by his manager, the legendary “Pretty Boy” Floyd Fairchild, here is J.Q. Smooth! (“Pretty Boy” Floyd Fairchild, a gray-haired man in an expensive Italian suit, comes out of the dressing room with a beautiful woman on his arm. He proceeds down the aisle, and then turns back. As a spotlight falls on the entrance, J.Q. Smooth, wearing a long, glittering robe, comes out with a woman on each arm. The lights flash on and off. Smooth and Fairchild take quite a while to get to the ring.)
Bob: The Python Princess looks somewhat amused by all this. She’s saying something to Sidewinder Sanders and they’re laughing.
Chad: She better be careful. J. Q. Smooth is no pushover.
Jessie: The bell rings and Smooth tries a slap — the Princess blocks it and returns the favor! Smooth has a look of utter shock on his face. He shoves the Princess back a step — she shoves him and sends him to the mat!
Chad: It won’t be easy to intimidate either of these athletes.
Jessie: They start to lock up — Smooth with a knee to the midsection, now he tries for a backslide and a quick pin! One, two, the Princess kicks out. They’re back to their feet. There’s an elbow by Smooth. He tries for a hiptoss, the Princess counters with a backslide of her own! One, two, Smooth kicks out.
Chad: They’re into a stare-down now, just circling each other and glaring at each other. Now they lock up — the Princess with a whip into the ropes — no, Smooth reverses. There’s a kick by Smooth as she comes off. The Princess tries for a body slam — Smooth with a small package, but Her Highness kicks out at two! Smooth asking ref Jimmy Perkins to count faster.
Bob: Perkins counts the same for everyone.
Chad: Yeah, slow!
Jessie: They lock up again. Smooth whips the Princess into the ropes. She hits him with an elbow. Now a knee to the gut by the Princess. She shoves him into the corner. Smooth reverses — there’s a forearm uppercut by J. Q. Smooth. Now he picks the Princess up and slams her to the mat. He goes for the pin — she’s out at one.
Bob: Smooth picks the Princess up — he’s got her in an abdominal stretch! He’s got it locked in — but the Princess reaches the ropes and Perkins calls for the break. Now the Princess whips Smooth into the ropes. Shoulder block by Smooth sends the Princess down! Smooth with a swinging neckbreaker!
Chad: J. Q. Smooth is taking the fight to the Princess right now. He picks the Princess up and puts her in a sleeper. She counters with a jawbreaker! Smooth goes down, and the Princess has a headache too!
Jessie: The Python Princess is up first. She picks up Smooth’s legs and turns him over into a Boston crab! She’s trying to get him to submit right here! Smooth grabs the rope with one hand and Perkins makes the Princess break. She pulls Smooth up and nails him with a belly-to-back suplex! Now she applies a kneelock! Smooth squirms across the canvas and gets back to the ropes, forcing another break. The Princess stomps on Smooth’s back as she lets him go!
Chad: The Princess is has the momentum right now.
Bob: No question about it. She takes Smooth down with a Russian legsweep. There’s a handful of hair to pick him back up, and she whips him into the corner! Smooth hit hard!
Jessie: But as the Princess charges in Smooth moves aside, and she runs into the turnbuckles. Smooth with a roll-up — the Princess kicks out with authority! She’s on her feet first. She tries to whip him into the corner again but he reverses. The Princess charges out and is met with a big elbow by J. Q. Smooth. The Princess tries a kick — Smooth catches her foot! He spins her around — Atomic Drop by J. Q. Smooth!
Chad: And the Princess is really hurting now! Smooth picks her up. She tries another kick. He catches her foot again and — there’s an enzuigiri by the Princess and Smooth hits the mat!
Jessie: The Princess is showing off for the crowd. She walks over now and says something to Floyd Fairchild. Smooth gets back to his feet. He tries to whip the Princess into the ropes, but she reverses. Clothesline by the Princess — missed! Clothesline by Smooth — missed! Backdrop by the Princess — sunset flip by Smooth! One, two, the Princess kicks out!
Chad: J. Q. nearly won it right there!
Bob: He didn’t have time to hook her leg or that could have been it. Smooth pulls the Princess up and sets her up — piledriver! He goes for an arrogant cover and she kicks out at one. He pulls her up again — fist to the midsection by the Princess! She whips Smooth into the ropes and hits him with an elbow on the rebound! She’s got his legs tied up — there’s a figure-four! Smooth is really in trouble!
Chad: He’s trying to work his way over to the ropes. The Princess is fighting him all the way! Smooth reaches the ropes! Jimmy Perkins calls for the break and the Princess lets go reluctantly.
Jessie: Smooth uses the ropes to pull himself up. The Princess with a kick to the knee! Another! Now she locks Smooth up and hits him with a belly-to-belly suplex! Smooth kicks out at two. They’re both up again — another enzuigiri by the Princess! Smooth kicks out at one! The Princess locks her legs around Smooth’s head, going for the submission with a headscissors.
Chad: I don’t think she’ll get the submission here, she’s using this to wear Smooth down some more.
Bob: You could be right. Smooth breaks the hold. The Princess goes for a full nelson, maybe trying to set up the Anaconda, but Smooth is in the ropes. Now they lock up — forearm uppercut by Smooth. The Princess tries for a bodyslam — small package by Smooth! Sidewinder Sanders is on the apron and Jimmy Perkins is chasing her off! Now he sees the pin — she kicks out at one! He had her pinned for at least five seconds!
Chad: These zebras are useless!
Jessie: Now Smooth back to an abdominal stretch. The Princess hiptosses him out before he could get it locked in. Bodyslam by Smooth! Now Smooth to the top rope — here he comes — the Princess rolls away! Now the Princess pulls Smooth up — she ties up his arms and — that’s the PythonPlex! One, two, THREE!
Chad: No! He kicked out! Didn’t he?
Bob: Not in time! Perkins calls for the bell!
Duffer: The winner, in 7:37, the Python Princess!
Chad: I’m here with the winner of the match, the Python Princess. (The Snake Sisters crowd in close, and Chad doesn’t seem to mind.) Your Highness, that was an excellent match.
Princess: Thank you Chad. I must admit, Mr. Smooth, you gave me quite a battle. You surprised me, Mr. Smooth. However, in the end, as always, class will tell. (Squeezes Chad’s arm). Hmm. You’ve been working out, haven’t you Chad?
Chad: Um, yeah, a little, with Spanish Rose. (swallows) Sidewinder, you’ve got a match against Jessica Spangles for the North American belt later —
Sidewinder: That’s right! Spangles! Make sure MY belt’s all nice and shiny! I’m gonna whup you bad, girl! She puts an arm around Chad). Ya know, Chad, we could give ya a LOTTA good stuff in a private interview. Think about it. (The Snake Sisters walk off.)
Chad: Um…Jess, can I–
Jessie: NO! Get back here. Fans, we’ll return after these messages….
GREGG THOMAS VS. ROB FOSTER
Duffer: The following bout is a one-fall contest, with a fifteen minute time limit. Currently in the ring, accompanied by Uncle Jimmy, the All-American Kid, Gregg Thomas!
Bob: The Kid has looked sensational recently! It won’t be long before he has a belt of some kind!
Chad: Yea, I hear K-mart has them on sale right now…
Duffer: And his opponent, hailing from Pensacola, Florida, Rob Foster!!
Lisa: Rob has been on a roll since suffering that loss to Kelly Kandelski a few months back, beating every opponent he has faced.
Chad: And that coward Kandelski is afraid to face him again! She knows she doesn’t stand a chance in a rematch!
Bob: She beat the loudmouth once, she can do it again.[Foster enters the ring, grabbing the mike from the departing Duffer]
Foster: Well, it appears that once again my fabulous ring skills are going to be wasted on another no-talent punk! When is the ICWF going to realize that what they have here is one of the greatest wrestling talents in the history of the sport? Shoemaker, I know you’re listening! Give me some competition, or I’m taking my champions to a fed that appreciates me!
Jessie: Apparently Mr. Foster is not very happy about the quality of his opponents.
Bob: He is making a huge mistake, taking the Kid lightly. Gregg Thomas can mix it up with the best!
Jessie: Thomas and Foster lock up. Foster backs Thomas into the ropes. The referee calls for the break, but Foster nails Thomas in the midsection!
Bob: What a cheap shot!
Chad: Hey, whatever it takes to get the “W”…
Bob: That’s no excuse for bad sportsmanship, Romero! When I was with the Bucs, we always played a clean game!
Chad: Hence the lack of “W”s…
Jessie: Foster sends Thomas into the ropes, goes for the dropkick, but Thomas steps out of the way! Thomas with a Victory Roll! One! Two! But Foster gets a foot in the ropes to break the count…
Lisa: Rob always knows where he is in the ring. Say what you will about his attitude, but he is one of the most intelligent grapplers in the sport today.
Bob: And that’s what I don’t understand. Why does someone with the skills that he has have to resort to such blatant illegal tactics to win his matches?
Chad: Because he is a winner, Brodsky, just like the Marauder, just like Spanish Rose, just like Gretchen Gwynne. These people are champions because they do whatever it takes to win, unlike these punks like Gregg Thomas.
Jessie: Foster executes a German suplex, into a pinning combination, but only gets a two-count, as Thomas gets his foot in the ropes.
Lisa: Gregg Thomas showing that he too knows where he is at all times in the ring.
Jessie: Thomas with a savate kick, Foster ducks it. Foster shows off to the crowd, and Thomas nails him with a second savate kick! Thomas with a belly-to-belly suplex, and a two-count!
Bob: Foster almost cost himself the match right there, he better quit thinking about Kandelski and get his mind back in the present!
Jessie: Thomas off the ropes, Foster with a backdrop attempt, but Thomas with the sunset flip, and a one-count. Thomas off the ropes again, but this time Foster catches him in a spinebuster slam. Two-count, and Thomas has a shoulder up! Foster pulls him back up, he’s signaling for the DDT, and nails it!
Chad: That’s it! No way Thomas kicks out of this one!
Jessie: Foster with the cover…one…two…thr…NO!! Thomas with a shoulder up!
Chad: I can’t believe that punk kicked out of it!
Bob: I told you the kid has heart!!
Jessie: Foster whips Thomas into the ropes, follows him in, and Thomas backdrops him up and over the ropes! Foster on the arena floor, Thomas with the American Dive onto Foster!
Bob: The fans are going wild! We are seeing a major upset in the making!
Jessie: Thomas with a belly-to-back suplex on the floor! Foster struggling to his feet by the guardrail, Thomas going over to get his opponent back into the ring, but Foster slams the youngster’s head into the rail! And follows that by whipping Thomas into the ringsteps!
Chad: All-American Punk, welcome to the big leagues!
Jessie: Both wrestlers back in the ring. Foster pulling up Thomas for a bodyslam, but Thomas counters with a small package and a one-count! Foster retaliates with a chokehold.
Bob: C’mon ref, do your job!
Jessie: Thomas into the ropes, he hits Foster with a kick coming back! Sunset flip, and a two-count! Foster with a Russian legsweep, but the Kid is quickly back to his feet. Thomas off the ropes again, Foster goes for the spinebuster, but Thomas counters with a swinging neckbreaker. He follows up with a back suplex, and a two-count!
Lisa: Nice bridge by Gregg on the pin attempt, his amateur background rather obvious there.
Chad: Ah, it was just dumb luck!
Jessie: Thomas goes for a flying somersault splash, but Foster rolls away just in time! Foster with a German suplex…one…two…three!!
Duffer: The winner of the match….Rob Foster!!
Chad: Not one of Foster’s usual finishing moves, but he didn’t need to use them to put this punk away!
Brodsky: Will you stop!?! The Kid gave Foster one helluva match, it could have gone either way!
Jessie: Let’s go down to the ring, where Danny Lopez is standing by with our winner!
ROB FOSTER, MASKED MARAUDER AND BODY GIRLS
Lopez: Great win for…
Foster: That was nothing! I am sick and tired of having to face dime-a-dozen bums! A wrestler of my skills should be showcased in main event matches, not wasted on wanna-be’s! Kandelski, you’ve been ducking me for four months now! Obviously, you don’t have what it takes to step in the ring with the best! Vision, Arlechino, Gwynne, Spangles… you’re all cowards! You all whine and cry about wanting a title shot at the big guy here, but you don’t even have the guts face ME!!
Lopez: Speaking of Gretchen Gwynne, Marauder, you have a big title defense scheduled against…
Marauder: Gretchen Gwynne is about to find out that getting what you ask for is NOT necessarily a good thing! You think you can five-drive me, baby? GUESS AGAIN!! I’ll leave you lying flat on your back just like I have everyone else who has come after this belt! And Kingpin…I just might SuperSlam your fat ass too!
Lopez: Watch the language, please!
Marauder: Who do you think you’re talking too, LITTLE man?
Lopez: Uh…while we’re on the topic of title matches, later tonight the Body Girls will be facing the Dogs of War for the ICWF Intercontinental Tag Ti…
Brandi: Danny, sweetie, do you REALLY think we are worried about a couple of puppies? Especially a couple of naughty puppies like Fenris and Cerebus…
Randi: Two puppies who definitely need to be house-trained. And Soultaker, darling, it’s a shame about your precious book. Too bad the Pact is going to lose their only titles as well.
Lopez: Before you go, any comments on the upcoming joint PPV with the OWA?
Foster: The OWA? HA!! Once you get past the Femmes, that entire fed is a joke! The Family? The Elites? Yea right… We plan on dominating that event just like we have every other! This interview is over!
SID MCNIGHT VS. DEBORAH DUNCAN
Duffer: Ladies and gentlemen, the following contest is one-fall, with a fifteen minute time limit. Currently in the ring, the Sandman, Sid…McNight!
Chad: The Sandman looking awesome as always! He should make short work of little Miss Sunshine!
Duffer: And his opponent, accompanied to the ring by Penny Lancaster and Denise Duncan, from Stockbridge, Massachusetts, “Dynamic” Deborah Duncan!
Bob: No other wrestler in the ICWF is as adored as the Dynamic One herself! Listen to that crowd!
Chad: They were cheering for her? I thought they were cheering for Sid!
Bob: Gimme a break!
Lisa: This should be a great contest, pitting two of the ICWF’s rising stars. It will be McNight’s power against Duncan’s speed!
Chad: Remember what the Sandman did to Chase Stern though! He practically ended that loser’s career before it began!
The match begins, and the action goes back and forth for a few minutes. At the five-minute mark…]
Jessie: Duncan whips McKnight into the ropes, McNight with the reversal, but Duncan nails the big man with a kick! Again she whips into the ropes, again he reverses it, missing with an elbow. He goes for the Nightmare!
Chad: It’s over!
Jessie: But Duncan blocks it! Sid retaliates with a power bomb!
Bob: Deborah may have hurt her back there, Sid really drove her into the mat! Wait a minute, what is HE doing here?
Jessie: Rob Foster making his way down to ringside…
Chad: Hey, he’s doing what a good manager should do! He’s scouting the competition!
Bob: Obviously Penny and Denise don’t trust him, neither one looks too happy to see him around here.
Chad: I can understand why Lancaster would be afraid, after the way Rob destroyed that street punk Leather, but what’s Denise’s problem?
Lisa: Rob has recently mentioned the possibility of expanding his stable of wrestlers. Could he be interested in Sid McNight or Deborah Duncan? Or perhaps both?
Jessie: Meanwhile, the action continues in the ring, as Sid sets up Deborah for the piledriver, but she counters it with a backdrop! She whips the big man into the corner, and he hits the post hard! She sets him up on the top turnbuckle… Superplex!
Chad: Rob looked really impressed with that!
Jessie: Sid with a chokehold on Deborah, he drives her back into the corner. He whips her into the opposite corner, follows her in but she moves out of the way!
Bob: Big mistake by McNight! He hurt himself on that miss!
Jessie: Sid staggers out of the corner, and is met by a Duncan dropkick. The big man still on his feet, but Duncan puts him down with a side suplex. She goes for the pin…one…two…thr…NO! McNight gets a shoulder up! She pulls him back to his feet, whips into the ropes. McNight holds on to the top rope, but Duncan charges in and sends him out of the ring with a clothesline!
Bob: This girl is a real sparkplug! Sid doesn’t know what hit him!
Chad: Gimme a break Brodsky! Once he gets his bearings, he will put her away for good!
Jessie: McNight back in the ring, Duncan with a side suplex, and a two-count! She sets him up for what appears to be a power bomb…no, it’s a tiger driver! Duncan with the cover…one…two…THREE!!
Duffer: The winner of the match….”Dynamic” Deborah Duncan!
Bob: What was that you were saying, Romero?
Chad: Hey, even a blind dog finds a bone every now and then, Brodsky! What I don’t understand is why Foster looks so happy, don’t tell me he is interested in managing HER!
Bob: Not a chance, as long as she has good advisors like Penny Lancaster and Denise Duncan to keep her on the straight and narrow.
Jessie: We’ll be back after these messages!
Jessie: Fans, we’ve got the first half of our main event coming up! The next contest features the current US champs, the Body Girls, in a match for the Intercontinental Tag Titles!
Bob: The Dogs called for this one themselves! Looks like they’re ready to take on one of the best teams in the ICWF!
Chad: Yeah, but you’ve seen how vicious the Pact is! The Girls are good, but the Dogs are gonna eat ’em alive!
Jessie: That remains to be seen, Chad! Let’s get up to Mike Duffer and the introductions!
ICWF INTERCONTINENTAL TAG TEAM CHAMPIONSHIP: DOGS OF WAR VS. THE BODY GIRLS
Duffer: The following match is for the ICWF Intercontinental Tag Team titles! Introducing first, the challengers, led to the ring by their manager, Rob Foster, the ICWF United States Tag Team Champions, Brandi and Randi, the Body Girls!
Chad: The Girls looking confident, as always! But this isn’t going to be easy, as Soultaker will have the Dogs ready for war!
Duffer: Their opponents, led to the ring by Soultaker, the ICWF Intercontinental Tag Team Champions, Fenris and Cerebus, the Dogs of War!
Chad: The Dark Pact slowly making their way to the ring, which gives the Body Girls more time to pose! And that’s just fine with me!
Bob: That’s enough, Romero! Why do those two floozies have to show off like that in front of everyone! There are children watching, for crying out loud!
Chad: Consider it an education in the finer things in life! And you know you love it too, Brodsky!
Brodsky: Well….uh…I’ll admit the Body Girls have their good points, but I like my women a bit more wholesome, thank you!
Jessie: The Dogs of War finally make it into the ring, and we’re ready for the match to begin! Cerebus and Brandi start off for their respective teams. They lock up in the center of the ring, Cerebus with a small package and a two-count!
Lisa: The Dogs may be going for a quick victory here. A long match will be to the favor of the Body Girls, whose excellent conditioning is unrivalled in the wrestling world!
Jessie: Brandi whips Cerebus into the ropes, taking him down with a side suplex. Cerebus back to his feet, Brandi goes for a clothesline, Cerebus ducks it, and takes the Body Girl down with a football tackle! Brandi retaliates with a faceslam! She pulls Cerebus to his feet, and locks him into an abdominal stretch!
Bob: The Dogs need to stay out of situations like this if they want to keep the belts!
Jessie: Brandi executes a back suplex, and makes the tag to Randi. Cerebus also making the tag. Both Dogs whip Randi into the ropes, and hit her with a double kick to the midsection. Fenris with a spinning power bomb and the cover! But he only gets a two-count.
Bob: And that loudmouth piece-of-garbage Foster is already giving the referee an earful!
Chad: Hey, he’s the manager of champions, he has the right to say whatever he pleases, whenever he pleases!
Jessie: Fenris whips Randi into the ropes, Randi with the reversal. Fenris runs into an elbow coming back. Randi with the tag, Brandi comes in and nails the Dog with a dropkick! She feeds him in for a piledriver, and drives his head into the canvas!
Chad: That’s gotta hurt!
Jessie: Brandi tosses Fenris out of the ring, and the two wrestlers brawl on the outside! We’ve got to go to a commercial break, but we’ve got the cameras rolling![Cut to Bob in the locker room, with tuxedo and smile: Attention hotline fans! My sources have informed me that a very prominent manager/wrestler in the ICWF was recently seen at the offices of the OWA! I can’t give the details on the air, but if you call the hotline right now I’ll squeal like a pig! And kids, remember to get your parents’ permission before calling! [Back to the action, where the match goes back and forth for over twenty minutes. All four wrestlers are exhausted, and the end is near.]
Jessie: Randi with a powerslam! But Fenris kicks out at two!
Chad: How much longer can that keep this up? Something has to give soon!
Jessie: Randi whips Fenris into the ropes, and sends him down with a shoulderblock! Again she tosses him out of the ring, and now both wrestlers are brawling on the floor!
Bob: Most of this match has taken place outside the ring! Why can’t the referee get this one under control?
Jessie: They’re back in the ring now, Fenris with the tag to his partner. The Body Girls double-team Cerebus as he comes in, nailing him with a double forearm smash. The referee makes Brandi leave the ring, and Cerebus takes advantage of the situation by nailing Randi with a football tackle! He whips her into the ropes, and meets her coming back with a Frankensteiner! The cover…one… two…Brandi with the save! The referee sending Brandi out of the ring again, Cerebus holding Randi as Fenris climbs to the top rope and nails his own partner as Randi moves out of the way! Randi scoops up the stunned Cerebus, and there’s a military press! The Girls have tremendous strength and she’s showing it now! She pulls him back to her, spins–power slam!
Chad: Hey! That’s Rachel Ryan’s move!
Jessie: She’s on top of him, and hooks the leg…one…two…THREE!!! We’ve got new champions!!!
Duffer: The winners of the match, and NEW ICWF Intercontinental Tag Team Champions, the Body Girls!!!
Jessie: Let’s go to Danny Lopez, who is at ringside with the champs!
THE BODY GIRLS
(Danny stands between the Body Girls, who are sweaty and breathing hard. They are crushed up against him, holding their belts high and smiling. Danny doesn’t seem to mind….)
Danny: Thanks Jess, I’m here with…
Randi: You have the pleasure of being with the two most perfect specimens of humanity to ever walk the face of the earth! Not to mention the United States Tag Team Champions and NOW the Intercontinental Tag Team Champions!
Danny: Brandi, the Dogs of War gave you a tough fight, but you overcame them to take the belts. Are there any other serious challengers for your belts?
Brandi: There’s no beating perfection, Danny dear. The puppy-dogs learned that lesson tonight! And anyone who thinks they can take these belts from us will learn the SAME lesson!
Foster: The gold just keeps piling up, Lopez! And it doesn’t stop here! The Crazy Eights title is as good as ours! C’mon, girls!
Randi & Brandi: ‘Bye bye, Danny! (They smooch his cheek, then walk away. Danny’s face is ghost-white as he looks at the camera.) Um… (Swallows hard)…back to you guys….
Jessie: That was a great match, and we’re sure to see the Dogs back after those belts very soon! We’ll also be sure to get some kind of ruling on what will happen to those U.S. belts shortly! We’ve got to go to commercial, fans, but when we come back, we’ll have the big main event, featuring Jennifer Sanders against Jessica Spangles for the North American title!
ICWF NORTH AMERICAN CHAMPIONSHIP: JESSICA SPANGLES VS. JENNIFER SANDERS
Jessie: Here’s our main event! It’s for the North American belt. Mike Duffer has the intros.
Duffer: The next match is a one fall match with a one hour time limit. It is for the North American title. Introducing first, accompanied to the ring by Kelly Kandelski and Allen Richardson, the North American Champion, Jessica SPAAAANNNNGGGGLLESSSSSS! Her opponent, <Music: “Get Over It”, the Eagles> from Rattlesnake Gap, Arizona, at five-ten and one eighty-five, Jennifer “Sidewinder” SAAAAAANNNNNDERRRRRSSSSSS!
<Jennifer is accompanied by The Python Princess. She’s wearing a rattlesnake-hide posing bikini, with a matching pair of knee-high boots, cowboy hat and vest. She tosses the hat and vest to a ring attendant before entering the ring.>
Chad: Sidewinder looks ready to take the belt tonight!
Bob: Don’t sell Jessica Spangles short — she’s a tremendous athlete and very fast. Not only that, she’s the champ. Sanders has to beat Spangles — not the other way around.
Jessie: There’s the bell and Sidewinder Sanders wastes no time! There’s a punch by Sidewinder. Now a faceslam! She pulls Jessica up and heaves her out of the ring!
Chad: Sidewinder Sanders serving notice that this is gonna be a war!
Jessie: Jessica’s back in the ring. Sanders has her up — Samoan drop by Sanders! She leaps to the second rope! Kneedrop by Sanders!
Sidewinder: Whaddya think of your champ now?
Bob: Spangles gets back up. Sanders with a whip to the ropes — Spangles reverses. Crucifix by Spangles! One, two, Sanders kicks out! Jessica surprised Sanders with that move.
Chad: Yeah, and the Sidewinder’s makin’ her pay! Cobra clutch locked in by Sidewinder! Spangles is goin’ nighty-night! The ref checks her — the arm drops once, twice, three — no!
Jessie: Spangles keeps her arm up there. She’s fighting back. Spangles with a desperate move reaches the ropes. Sanders breaks reluctantly. She moves to the top rope. Flying fistdrop by Sidewinder! She hauls Spangles up and whips her into the ropes. She goes for the tilt-a-whirl, but Jessica nails her with an enzuilariato! Now a waistlock suplex by Spangles! One, two, shoulder up!
Chad: She had a handful of tights!
Bob: What match are you watching?
Jessie: Both women on their feet. Sanders with a kick to Jessica’s gut. Now Sanders whips Spangles to the ropes. Sanders misses a clothesline — Spangles grabs Sanders — belly-to-belly suplex by Jessica Spangles! One, two, kickout! Now Spangles with an inside cradle! Kickout at two again!
Chad: Sidewinder was surprised by Spangles again. I gotta admit, I’m surprised too — surprised Sidewinder ain’t lowered the boom yet.
Jessie: Jessica picks Sidewinder up and puts her on the top turnbuckle. She’s got her locked up — belly-to-back superplex! She goes for the cover — one, two, thr– NO! Sanders kicks out! Now Spangles with a back suplex — she adds the bridge! This could be it — one, two, shoulder up! Now Spangles with a fisherman suplex! Another two count!
Chad: Looks like Spangles is gettin’ frustrated. She pulls Sidewinder up — elbowsmash by Sidewinder! Now she picks Spangles up — big backbreaker by Sidewinder! Another elbow by Sidewinder! There’s a tiger suplex by Sidewinder! This is it — no! Kickout at two by Spangles. And she tosses Spangles through the ropes!
Bob: That figures — Sidewinder can’t outwrestle Spangles so she turns it into a brawl.
Chad: Whatever it takes to get the gold, Brodsky!
Jessie: Sidewinder follows Jessica out. There’s a whip to the guardrail by Sidewinder! Double axhandle by Sanders! She nails Jessica with a Steinerline! Sidewinder pulls Spangles up — there’s a whip to the ringsteps — REVERSED! Sanders hits hard! Spangles tosses Sanders back in and goes right after her. Soviet suplex by Spangles. Now they lock up — Sanders whips Spangles to the ropes and nails her with a shoulder block! Backbreaker by Sidewinder! Now she’s going to the top!
Bob: She’s taking too much time! Spangles is on her feet again!
Chad: Sidewinder comes off with a flying fistdrop and Spangles nails her with a fist to the midsection!
Jessie: Waistlock by Spangles — into a suplex! One, two, Sanders gets a shoulder up! Jessica Spangles locks Jennifer Sanders into a bow-and-arrow! This could be it!
Chad: Sidewinder’s too close to the ropes! The ref forces a break. Jennifer Sanders knows where she is at all times in that ring!
Bob: Maybe she does, and right now she’s flat on her back after a piledriver! Spangles doesn’t cover her! She pulls Sidewinder up into a gutwrench suplex! Now back up into a side suplex! Jessica Spangles is putting on a wrestling clinic!
Chad: And Jennifer Sanders makes her stay after school with a boot to the gut! Tombstone by Sidewinder! Double axhandle and Spangles is down again! Sanders to the top — this time the flying fistdrop connects! Sidewinder grabs a handful of hair and pulls Spangles back to her feet. Whip to the buckles and a shoulder charge — Spangles just moves out of the way!
Jessie: Now Jessica tries a backflip cradle, Sanders moves out of the way. Sidewinder with a drop kick, but Jessica side steps it! Spangles bounces off the ropes — big chop by Sidewinder and Spangles goes down! Sidewinder pulls Spangles up for a tiger suplex, but a backward kick breaks it up.
Bob: Jessica whips Sanders into the ropes and nails her with an elbow! Another whip to the ropes — backdrop by Spangles and Sidewinder falls out of the ring! Spangles decides against going out after her, and Sidewinder slowly gets to her feet. She rolls back in, beating the count. Spangles locks Sanders up — dragon suplex! One, two, shoulder up! Another near fall for Jessica Spangles.
Jessie: Six minutes into the match and it’s been a real battle. Back suplex with a bridge by Jessica — Sanders rolls a shoulder up at two! Spangles whips Sidewinder into the corner and charges after her — Sanders steps aside and Spangles hits hard! Now it’s Sanders with the advantage.
Chad: Side winder with a whip to the ropes — she goes for a Gorilla press, but Spangles turns it into a rolling reverse cradle and gets another two count! Now Jessica whips Sidewinder into the ropes and catches her with a tilt-a-whirl suplex! Now a front layout suplex by Spangles! Another whip to the ropes by Spangles — reversed by Sidewinder — rolling reverse cradle by Spangles! There’s a bridge! One, two, shoulder up again!
Bob: Jessica Spangles has had at least ten near falls!
Chad: It ain’t over ‘til that zebra slaps the mat three times, Brodsky!
Jessie: ANOTHER suplex by Spangles! And another two-count! Now she goes for a double-underhook suplex — Sanders turns it into a backdrop! Both women are exhausted! Sanders gets to her feet first. She tries to put Jessica on the top turnbuckle, but Spangles blocks it. Forearm by Sanders. She whips Jessica to the ropes — BIG backdrop by Sanders!
Chad: Spangles is gettin’ up by instinct! Sanders with a dropkick and Spangles is down again! Now Sidewinder pulls Spangles up and whips her into the ropes — elbow by Spangles! She whips Sanders into the corner and follows her in with a big shoulder! She catches Sidewinder with a double-underhook suplex! Now she goes for a fisherman’s suplex — small package by Sidewinder! Spangles kicks out at two!
Jessie: Both women get to their feet slowly. Sanders with a chop! Kneelift by Sanders! Another chop! Slap by Sidewinder and Spangles is down! Sanders pulls her up — there’s a whip to the corner! Sanders charges in — right into Jessica’s knee!
Bob: Jessica now with a snap suplex. She’s going for — she’s got Sidewinder in Lock the Target! Sanders is able to reach the ropes! Ten minutes have now gone by.
Chad: I gotta admit, this match has a lotta action! Sidewinder reverses a whip to the ropes and takes Spangles down with a neck-scissors. Now an enzuigiri by Sidewinder! Spangles jumps up — forearm by Spangles! Now a dropkick! Sanders goes down! Spangles with another bow-and-arrow!
Jessie: But again Jennifer Sanders is close enough to grab the rope. They lock up again — backflip cradle by Spangles — and another two count! Spangles bounces off the ropes — kick by Sanders! Now Sidewinder throws Jessica outside the ring! Sidewinder goes right out after her! Dropkick by Sanders and Spangles sidesteps! Sanders hits the floor hard!
Bob: Jessica pulls Sidewinder up and whips her into the guardrail! Sidewinder fires back with a whip into the ringsteps! Double axhandle across the back by Sidewinder! They both roll into the ring to beat the referee’s count.
Chad: If Spangles was smart she’d stay out there. Titles don’t change hands on a count out.
Bob: She won’t do that! And you know why?
Chad: She’s not smart enough?
Bob: No! She wants to win by the rules!
Chad: Like I said…
Jessie: Sidewinder whips Spangles to the corner. Spangles comes back but Sidewinder nails her with a clothesline. Sidewinder picks Spangles up and puts her on the turnbuckle! Top rope DDT coming — blocked by Spangles! She shoves Sanders off the turnbuckle!
Chad: Now Jessica nails Sidewinder with a piledriver! This could be it — but Spangles doesn’t go for the pin! Instead she locks Sidewinder up — German suplex! One, two, kickout!
Jessie: And we can see the frustration as well as exhaustion on Jessica’s face. Belly to back suplex by Spangles — broken up with an elbowsmash! Sanders tosses Spangles out again! Sidewinder whips Jessica into the ringsteps! Now the guardrail! Double axhandle by Sanders! She goes for the kick — caught by Spangles! She spins Sanders around — belly to back suplex on the floor!
Bob: That MUST have taken a lot out of both women! Sanders is back up! How does she do it? She whips Jessica into the ringpost! Now the ringsteps! Spin kick by Sidewinder! Now back into the guardrail! Oh NO — Tombstone on the floor! Spangles is down! She might be out!
Jessie: I don’t know how but Jessica Spangles is back on her feet! Sidewinder’s posing for the crowd and doesn’t see her. She steps behind Sidewinder — Tiger suplex by Spangles! Spangles rolls back in and Sidewinder somehow gets in too! These women have taken incredible punishment in this match!
Bob: You’ve hit the nail on the head there, Jessie! Now Sidewinder is whipped to the ropes — Spangles with a crucifix! One, two, kickout! Spangles picks Sidewinder up and puts her on the turnbuckle! Superplex by Jessica! That hurt Jessica as much as it did Sidewinder! They’re both getting up — Sanders gets Spangles up on her shoulders and gives her a Samoan Drop! Now she locks Spangles up — tiger suplex!
Chad: Spangles ain’t the only one who can do that suplex stuff! Look out — turn around, Sidewinder!
Jessie: Too late — Jessica with a tiger suplex on Sanders! Sidewinder kicks out at two again! Now Spangles puts Sidewinder back on the top turnbuckle — belly-to-back superplex! But she doesn’t have enough left to go for a pin! The referee’s counting both women down — six, seven, Spangles is on one knee, Sidewinder pulls herself up by the ropes and the match is back on! Spangles tries to pick Sanders up — small package by Sidewinder! One, two, she couldn’t hold her down!
Chad: It won’t take much to get a pin now — they’re about ready to fall down. Kick by Sidewinder — Tombstone! But she can’t pin her! The ref’s counting them both out again!
Bob: The Python Princess is screaming at Sidewinder to get up — Kandelski pounds the mat on the other side of the ring to rouse Spangles. Richardson leading the crowd in a cheer for the champ…and somebody just charged into Richardson and knocked him into the ring steps!
Jessie: It’s Rob Foster! He attacks Kandelski from behind, slamming her head into the ring apron! Now he slams her into the ring post, and Kandelski is hurt!
Chad: And where is that punk Richardson? One shove and the kid’s out of it!
Jessie: Foster’s got Kandelski set up for a DDT on the concrete, and Richardson nails him with a chair! Kandelski drops to the floor, Foster staggers back into the guardrail, and another chair shot from Richardson sends Foster over the rail and into the crowd!
Bob: He’ll find no help there! These fans don’t like him, and neither do I!
Jessie: Richardson goes back to check on the fallen Kandelski, but Foster’s grabbed a chair from one of the ringside fans, and he bashes Richardson!
Chad: So kind of that person to lend his seat!
Jessie: Foster with another chair shot! Richardson has been busted open! Foster drops the chair, grabs Richardson…OH NO! DDT ON THE CHAIR!
Chad: Looks like Kelly will need a new boyfriend, unless she has a thing for vegetables!
Bob: That’s sick! Somebody get him out of here! Where is security??
Jessie: Kelly Kandelski finally gets to her feet and chases Foster off, but the damage has been done! The paramedics wheel out a stretcher for Richardson, who’s still out cold.
Chad: The punk shouldn’t have been at ringside in the first place!
Jessie: While all this has been going on, the referee continues to count, as both Sidewinder and Spangles are still down in the ring. Sidewinder’s got the ropes and she pulls herself to her feet, breaking the count. She pulls Spangles up — surprise kneelift by Spangles! She puts Sanders on the top turnbuckle again — ANOTHER superplex! But Jessica Spangles doesn’t go for the pin!
Chad: The only chance she’s got for a pin is if Sidewinder’s out cold and she knows it!
Jessie: Jessica tries to put Sidewinder on the top again but can’t do it. Instead Spangles spins Sidewinder around and takes her down with a belly-to-back suplex! Sanders is on her feet first! Chop by Sidewinder! Steinerline by Sidewinder! Where’s she getting it from? Sidewinder with an enzuigiri! Now a spin kick! Another chop! Sanders with the momentum! Kneelift by Sanders. She tries to get Spangles up for another Samoan drop but Jessica breaks it up with an elbow!
Bob: Spangles comes back! High vertical suplex! Sanders bounces up! Spangles whips Sidewinder into the ropes — reversed! Backdrop by Sanders and Spangles falls out of the ring! Sanders goes out and throws Spangles back in!
Chad: Smart move — she knows she’s gotta beat Spangles in the ring!
Jessie: Sanders tries a kick to the head — Spangles ducks — waistlock suplex by Jessica! And another two count! Spangles with a dropkick but Sidewinder ducks! Tiger suplex by Sanders? No, Spangles breaks it up! Piledriver by Spangles! Sanders is back on her feet! Dropkick by Sanders! Steinerline by Sanders! Sanders off the ropes — shoulderblock by Sanders and Spangles is down! Backbreaker by Sanders!
Chad: This may be it! Sanders picks Spangles up and puts her on the top turnbuckle! She locks Spangles head between her legs — THERE IT IS! Sanders nails Spangles with the Rattler! Sanders is exhausted — she falls across Spangles! One, two, THREE! We have a new champion!
Jessie: What a match!
Duffer: After 18:33, the winner and NEEEEEEW NORTH AMERICAN CHAMPION, JENNIFER ‘SIIIIIIDEWINDER SAAAAANNNNNDERRRRRRS!
Chad: I gotta get this interview!
Jessie: Chad’s heading for the ring — The Masked Marauder and the Body Girls are swarming the ring along with the Python Princess! Sanders looks exhausted but ecstatic! Chad, you ready?
Chad: I’m here, Jess! Sidewinder, congratulations on winning–
Sidewinder: EEEEEEEEE-HAAAAAAA! (Grabs Chad and kisses him, then grabs Marauder and does the same). It shore feels good ta have some gold around my waist again! (The Body Girls cram in close, showing their newly won IC Tag belts). And I got th’ IC tag champs with me, and the World Champeen! Man, are we somethin’ or what? EEEEEEEE-HAAAAAAA!
Chad: That was an incredible display of —
Sidewinder: Yeah, I gotta admit, that little girl put up a durn good tussle! But what’s the bottom line? I’VE GOT THE BELT! Eat your heart out, Spangles! Now Chad, if you’ll excuse us, we got us some partyin’ ta do! C’mere, you masked devil! (She grabs the Marauder and gives him another kiss, then they all troop back to the dressing room Sidewinder glances back over her shoulder:) Hey, Romeo, there’s always room for one more!
Chad: Um, Jessie, Bob, see ya next time! (Drops headset an d mike) Wait for me!
Jessie: Well, fans, that’s it for this week’s show! For Bob and the absent Chad, this is Jessie James saying, so long until Crazy 8’s!!!