Anthony Hazard takes on Pretty Boy Monty; Traci Lane finally addresses the betrayal at the hands of Monica Brant; Consuelo Salyards defends the North American Championship against Taleis and the Extremists try to take the OWA Tag Team Championship away from Rachel Ryan and Wendy Ryker just one week before Crime Spree
OWA Championship Wrestling logo comes onscreen and explodes to a capacity crowd.]
Ed: Welcome to OWA Championship Wrestling! We’re in Spokane Washington and we’ve got an action packed show for you tonight, including three title matches. Joining me at the broadcast booth is Myers Watterson.
Myers: Thanks Ed, for letting me be out here. I’ll have the absolute final word in Crime Spree later on in the card.
Ed: We have lots to do today, in fact, I will be giving my first ever interview, and it will be with no less that the OWA Champion. Let’s go down to ringside for our first of three title matches.
OWA Tag Team Championship: Wendy Ryker/Rachel Ryan vs. Danny Maxx/Johnny Blades
Announcer: This match is one fall and it is for the OWA Tag Team Championship. Coming down the aisle along with their manager Sir Goodwin, weighing in at a total combined weight of 488 pounds. Here are the former OWA Tag Team Champions. Danny Maxx. Johnny Blades. The Extremists!
The Extremists make their way down to the ring, talking in secret with their manager. They hold the ropes open for Goodwin, who enters the ring first, then the Extremists climb in as well. ]
Announcer: And their opponents! Coming down the aisle, along with their bodyguard, the giant, Gustaffson, weighing in at a total combined weight of 354 pounds. They are the OWA Tag Team Champions. Here are Wendy Ryker and Rachel Ryan!
Ed: Here we go. No matter the outcome of this match, these two will meet again next week in the first ever Bar Room Brawl which will be held in an actual bar in Seattle. However, tonight, the championship is on the line.
Myers: I think a lot of fans are looking forward to that match most of all. There is so much in that bar that the who knows what could happen. Some words being exchanged in the ring between the two teams now and there’s the bell.
Ed: We’ve got Rachel Ryan starting out for the champions and Johnny Blades starting out for the Extremists. They lock up and Ryan quickly with a forearm smash and another. Whip by Rachel. Reversal by Blades. He goes for a superkick but Ryan ducks down and comes off with a flying clothesline. She tags in Wendy Ryker.
Myers: Wendy holds onto Blades. Ryan off the ropes and. Maxx just pulled down the top rope and Ryan flew backward over it and Maxx has dropped to the floor. He grabs a chair and nails Ryan with it and again. In the ring, Blades just nailed Ryker with an elbowsmash. On the floor, Ryan has been busted open and is bleeding profusely.
Ed: Maxx runs Ryan headfirst into the ringpost and Ryan is down. Blades with a front facelock on Ryker. He tags in Maxx who drives a knee to the ribs of Ryker. Maxx with a belly to belly suplex and a spinebuster slam. Cover by Maxx. one. two. Kickout by Ryker.
Myers: Rachel Ryan is struggling to get to her feet and Blades just nails her in the forehead with a kick and she goes down again. Maxx tags in Blades. Blades with a whip into the ropes. He goes for a clothesline but Ryker ducks and comes off with a flying clothesline. She goes to make the tag and there’s no one there.
Ed: Blades catches her in the back with a knee and hits her with a dropkick. Blades climbs to the top turnbuckle but Ryker is up and throws him to the mat. She crawls over to make the tag and Ryan is not in her corner. Maxx on the floor, just nails Ryan with another clothesline.
Myers: Blades tags in Maxx who nails Ryker with a flying clothesline. cover. one. two. th. Kickout by Ryker. Ryan is trying to get into the ring. Her face is just covered in blood. Maxx hits Ryker with a powerbomb. one. two. th. Kickout by Ryker.
Ed: Ryan rolls into the ring but Maxx grabs her and throws her out over the top rope and the referee is scolding Maxx. Maxx shrugs it off and tags in Blades. They set her up for a double DDT. This is going to be it.
Myers: OH! Ryker just countered with the only thing she could, a double low blow! Both men are down and Ryker crawls over to her cover. Ryan is trying to get up there and FINALLY! There is a tag. Rachel Ryan comes in and nails Maxx with a clothesline and then Blades. She tries to get some of the blood from her eyes.
Ed: She’s going for the Gorilla Press Powerslam on Maxx, but Blades clips her in the knee! Cover. one. two. three!! We have new tag team champions!
Myers: Sir Goodwin grabs the belts and is getting into the ring and he gives the belts to his boys.
Announcer: Winners of the match in 13: 28, and NEW OWA Tag Team Champions. The Extremists!
(A studio for the OWA. In a well decorated set, a young man stands smiling at the camera. His striking jet black hair is neatly combed and styled. He is clean shaven, and his mustache is trimmed. As he chats with an off-camera producer, the camera picks up a seductive, mildly deep French accent. He notices the camera and turns to it warmly.)
Danny Bouchard: Greetings, fans of the OWA. It is me, one of the most “controversial” wrestlers in the sport, The Pride of Trois-Rivieres, Danny Bouchard. As all of you fans know, I have a match at Crime Spree against Harvard Earl. Harvard Earl has made several comments not only about my class, but about my education. It is my goal to prove not only that I am the superior wrestler, but also that I am culturally and educationally sufficient as well. For this reason, the OWA has granted me, for the first time, a few moments with you, the fans, live, without censorship, so that I may prove my worth to you. Today, I would like to recite for you the famous passage from Hamlet, from Act 3, Scene 1, a speech where Hamlet contemplates suicide.
“To be, or not to be: that is the question: Whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune; Or to take turns against a sea of troubles and by opposing end them. To die; to sleep; No more; and by a sleep say we end The heart-ache, and the thousand natural shell, um, that flesh is heir to, `tis a consummation Devoutly to be wish, hell.”
(Danny looks off camera to the censor.)
Bouchard: Is there a problem with Shakespeare, sir? Do you find it offensive?
Censor: Ah, no. hand slipped.
Censor: Uh. yes!
“To sleep: perchance to dream: ay, there’s the rub, F[CENSORED}–”
Bouchard: I thought this was going to be uncensored!
Censor: Mistake! Sorry!
Bouchard: (mumbling) This crap is bad enough as it is, gotta put up with that piece of. (snaps to attention)Oh! The culture thing! Right. Ahem.
“For in that sleep of death what dreams may come, when we have shuffled off our mortal coil, thank you for allowing that, sir, Must give us. “
(As Danny Bouchard rambles on through his monologue, the camera, bored, silently runs over to the donut tray for a snack. Unfortunately, without supervision, the camera tips to the side, revealing the production crew, and the producer acting as a censor, just in case. After a few more lines, the crew starts to shuffle around.)
Assistant: Amazing. I didn’t think he could go that long without swearing.
Assistant #2: Maybe now Smith and Hazard will clean up.
Producer: I don’t think you’re needed here, Bill. The bastard’s keeping clean today. Even had a secretary didn’t recognize him after he cleaned up from the mud bath this afternoon, hitting on Bouchard.
Censor: Huh. Well, I guess you’re right.
(Bill turns to attend to other on-set business. As, he does, however, he puts his full coffee mug down on the censor button inadvertently. At this point, the cameraman swings the camera back to Bouchard, who has not noticed the camera’s move.)
Bouchard: With this regard their currents turn awhell
(A long bleep cuts Danny off in mid-sentence. The cameraman cuts back to Bill, frantically knocking his cup off the censor button, stumbling, hitting it again, and regaining his footing to see a livid Danny Bouchard.)
Bouchard: What was that? Didn’t you just say you weren’t going to mess around with this? Did I not give you my word I would not use any foul language? Didn’t I? And now you ruin my live time because of your stupid coffee mug?
Censor: I’m sorry, sir. Please watch your language.
Bouchard: You want language? I’LL GIVE YOU LANGUAGE!!!
(Danny jumps the equipment and grabs Bill by the throat, throttling him. Despite the choking, Bill is able to hit the censor button. )
Bouchard: TRY THIS [CENSORED] LANGUAGE, EH? I’M GONNA KICK YOUR FAT BLOATY [CENSORED] SO [CENSORED] HARD YOU’RE GONNA WISH YOU WERE [CENSORED] DEAD!!! YOU STUPID [CENSORED]hell[CENSORED] HITTING THE [CENSORED] BUTTON, QUIT THAT, hell!
(The scene degenerates as Danny removes his tie to choke Bill, several men come in to separate the pair, and the other producer mans the censor button.)
Producer: Cut the sound! Kill the picture! Wrap! Cut! Whatever!
Bill: Gaggghhh. ackgh..
Bouchard: YOU [CENSORED] PILE OF MAGGOTY ROTTEN DOG[CENSORED] CENSORED]hell—
Elaine Bryant is in the ring.: In one week’s time, in a falls count anywhere, no holds barred match, Freddy Fever will be looking to gain retribution against my guest at this time, please welcome Michelle Cox.
Cox’s theme music kicks in as she walks down the aisle and jawjacks with the fans at ringside. She climbs the steps and enters the ring and walks over to Elaine.]
Cox: It’s about time I got time mic time around this show.
Elaine: Let’s talk about your beef with Freddy Fever.
Michelle laughs: I don’t have a beef with Fever. He has one with me. For me, that disco chump is a stepping stone. I get rid of this so called legend and that will put me right into orbit. I saw he was going to tell the world who Jungle Mask was and I saw this as an opportunity. Our OWA Champion should be grateful to me for shutting that old man’s mouth. He’s got to be what, 80?
Elaine: I hope you aren’t taking him lightly.
Cox: Elaine, just shut your mouth. I’m Michelle Cox. The commissioner has deemed me such a quality talent that I’ll be the one getting the shot at the next event once I put old man Fever into the ground…
The crowd erupts as Fever slides into the ring and Michelle catches him out of the corner of her eye and turns just in time to eat a Disco Kick as she is laid, sprawled out on the mat. Fever walks over to Elaine.]
Fever: Darling, if I didn’t officially welcome you to the OWA, well god-damned, welcome to the OWA. I’ll see you at Crime Spree.
Fever raises his hands as the fans go crazy for him and heads to the back as the show goes to a commercial.]
OWA TV Championship: Mr. America vs. Stacks Coltrain
Announcer: This match is one fall and it is for the OWA TV Championship. First, coming down the aisle is the challenger. She’s accompanied to the ring by Pretty Boy Monty. She weighs in at 185 pounds. Here is a former OWA Champion. Here is Stacks Coltrain! And her opponent. Coming down the aisle, weighing in at 275 pounds. He is the current OWA TV Champion! Here is Mr. America!
Ed: Good fan reaction to both competitors. There’s the bell and Mr. America hits Stacks Coltrain right off the bat with an elbow. America off the ropes nails Stacks with a running forearm smash. America with an elbowdrop, but Stacks rolls away. She gets up to her feet and catches America coming up with a side suplex.
Myers: Stacks off the ropes with a football tackle, but America side steps and throws Stacks over the top rope to the floor. Stacks gets to her feet and slides back into the ring, but America is there and drives a knee to the back of Stacks.
Ed: America off the ropes with a flying legdrop but Stacks with a roll away and America crashes to the mat. Stacks gets to her feet and nails America with a backspin DDT. Big leg drop by Stacks and it’s all Stacks right now.
Myers: Stacks with an inside cradle. one. two. Kickout by America. Stacks off the ropes, hits an unstable America with a shoulderblock knocking him down. Stacks goes to the top but America nails her and she falls onto the turnbuckle.
Ed: Mr. America throws her off and to the mat. Mr. America with a hotshot. cover. one. two. thr. Kickout by Stacks. Both are up. America off the ropes and double clothesline! Both are down. Stacks slowly gets to her feet.
Myers: Stacks pulls up America and sets up for a powerbomb but America counters with a backdrop! America is up and pulls up Stacks and nails her with the Piledriver! One. two. three!!! He’s got it!
Announcer: Winner of the match in 16: 43, and STILL OWA TV Champion. Mr. America!
Tom Tomorrow & Mr. America
The scene opens with Tom Tomorrow, wrestler of the future, sitting at his desk reading “Hamlet” by Shakespeare.]
Tom, speaking to himself: No matter how many times I read this, it does get better and better. Truly one of the literary classics.
A woman enters.]
Woman: Mr. America has arrived.
Tom puts down his book.]
Tom: Ah, good to hear it.
Mr. America enters and looks around. He looks at the book and takes off his jacket. He tosses it onto the empty chair and sprawls out onto the couch.]
Tom: Hmmm. rather interesting habits.
Mr. America: Nice place ya got here Tom. Nice reading material too, though I preferred Romeo and Juliet and a nice magazine once in a while. Anyways, I’m here because if we’re going to be a team we need to be able to work together as a we’ll oiled machine and not like Russ and company.
Tom stands up and takes a seat in another empty chair as Mr. America sits up.]
Tom: I would agree with that. We have done enough fighting each other and we know each other’s style, but I can see the need to mix our styles as if they were one as to make us a more cohesive tag team.
Mr. America: Tom, no offense buddy. Just stop right there. You need to loosen up a bit. You’re talking like you’re still in the 27th century. You’re really coming across as anal.
Tom: Excuse me? I do not quite follow the terminology.
Mr. America: Might as we’ll be blunt, since that is my middle name. Anyways, Tom. You’re walking around like it’s still 2614 or whatever year you come from.
Tom: Well, actually I come from the year.
Mr. America: That’s not important because that’s still a few years off as far as I’m concerned.
Tom: Centuries would be a better term to use for that description.
Mr. America: Maybe so, but we’re in the 20th century and it’s high time you started acting like you come from this time.
Tom: Forgive me, but I do not think my stomach could handle that.
Mr. America: Stomach or not, it’s time for you to be “20th centuryized” and who better to do it than America’s Perfection?
Tom turns towards the camera and sighs.]
Tom: Someone help me…
Mr. America: First off. The way Russ talks. Yes a preschooler has better grammar skills and for that matter more of an intellect, but that’s beside the point. Ever hear of Ebonics?
Tom: No I have not.
Mr. America: That’s a good thing, anyways. Russ has what we call a Southern Drawl. That’s why he sounds funny when he talks. It’s typical for people that are stereotyped as “rednecks” or “hillbillies”.
Tom: I see. Continue.
Mr. America: Ok, we’ll the most infamous Southern slang term would be to form a contraction using the words you and all. Thus you have “y. all”.
Tom: Hmmmm. improper English.
Mr. America: We’ll to them it’s not and it’s also widely accepted in other places. It’s kinda like saying “ain’t” isn’t a word, but you hear that a lot.
Tom: Yes we do, but I still fail to see what this has to do with making me more “fit”, as I lack a better term to use, for the 20th century.
Mr. America: We’ll it’s just one lesson of many you’ll have to learn. Kinda like way back when everyone said “thou” and that stuff. You don’t hear it today, but if we were to go back to that time period we’d have to use it to fit in.
Tom: Ah, I see. Then I am not “Southern”.
Mr. America: No kidding?
Tom: Sarcasm seems to be a strong character trait for you.
Mr. America: That’s what I mean. It is sarcasm, but people today call it being a smart ass. Gotta pick up on the lingo. Now anyways, we need to get ready for Russ and Kodiak. So here’s what I figure we can do.
Tom: Actually, “so here is what we could do” sounds much better.
Mr. America: What’s that woman’s name?
Tom: Jennifer and why do you ask?
Mr. America, shouting: HEY JEN! CALL OUT FOR DOMINOS! IT’S GONNA BE A LONG NIGHT!
Tom: Going to be a long night.
Mr. America: Sure. Anyways, do you watch TV?
Tom: And let my brain fall victim to such nonsense? Ridiculous!
Mr. America: Should’ve known. Anyways, you’ll have to watch thirty minutes of it with me. To get a better understanding of Russ, and the Gator clan for that matter, you’ll have to watch the Fox show “King of the Hill.” It’s a biography on the family more or less.
Mr. America flips on the TV to the appropriate channel. The opening credits are seen as the theme music is heard.]
Tom: Hmmmm. rather interesting to say the least.
Tom groans. 10 minutes pass. Mr. America is howling with laughter as Boomhower is heard. Tom cocks his eyebrow at Mr. America and continues to watch. 20 more minutes pass as the credits are playing. Mr. America keeps chuckling as Tom catches his head before it falls off of his hand.]
Mr. America: Tom, do you now understand more about Russ? Tom? Tom?
Mr. America glances over at Tom as a snore is heard from the camera man.]
Mr. America: TOM!!
Tom wakes up startled as the camera shakes a bit from the camera man being startled.]
Mr. America: Did you learn anything?
Tom: We’ll besides that the show was complete and utter nonsense built up on a stereotype for nothing than the financial gain of all parties involved at the expense of further degrading the “rednecks”. No.
Mr. America: You know, I bet you’d make a good politician. Tom, let me put it to you straight. You’re too smart for you own good.
Tom: We’ll it was obvious to see what the true purpose of that show was.
Mr. America: True, but then it’s how the guy makes a living. Just like we wrestle in the ring.
Tom: Yes, but making money off a stereotype is rather pathetic if you ask me.
Mr. America: Kinda like Russ?
Jennifer comes walking into the room with a pizza. She put it on the table as Mr. America eyes her. She puts down two dishes and two sets of silverware. Jennifer hands both men a napkin. She walks back over to the table and gets everything ready. She walks back over and hands both men a plate.]
Mr. America: Thanks sweetcheeks.
Jennifer: I resent that comment Mr. America. I am not a piece of meat for your viewing pleasure.
Jennifer turns and walks out of the room. Mr. America glances at Tom.]
Mr. America: She from the 27th century?
Tom: No. Feminist.
Mr. America: Explains a lot.
Mr. America gets ready to eat as Tom clear his throat.]
Mr. America: Yeah?
Tom: I do believe it is a custom of your time period to say grace before we partake of this substance.
Mr. America shrugs.]
Mr. America: Ok. Rub-a-dub-dub, thanks for the grub God.
Mr. America digs in.]
Both men eat and finish the meal as the camera man is able to get a few slices for himself. Mr. America puts his plate down.]
Mr. America: Tom, I think it’s time I took you out for a night on the town.
Tom: We’ll Traci has already taken me to experience the operas of this time period. Though I have to say that they still do not compare to a lot of the “classics” as you call them.
Tom puts his plate down.]
Mr. America: That’s fine and dandy, but you see there’s a difference between Lane and America.
Tom: Really? I did not notice.
Mr. America: Smart ass. Anyways, Traci is prim and proper. No offense to her, but she seems to be the type you’d get along with well. Now Wendy Ryker. That’s someone who takes after my own heart.
Tom: How would you come to that conclusion?
Mr. America: Tom, it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to see that she’s one who appreciates the fine art of chugging down alcohol to you feel like you’re gonna puke and party until you pass out. Though I couldn’t tell you that first hand. Just good reasoning on my part.
Tom: We’ll I still believe that Miss Ryker would like to be treated like a woman.
Mr. America: Uh. Tom news flash for ya bud. I might be able to see that, but I’d say it’s a pretty good bet that she’s one for party till ya drop and puke the next day.
Tom: We’ll since we all are athletes, it would not be good for our bodies.
Mr. America: Tom, second newsflash. Ya gotta unwind everyone once in a while.
Tom: Actually America, it would you “you have to unwind at certain times that are crucial.
Mr. America: Stop right there! Something tells me the women of the 27th century aren’t like the women today.
Tom: That is true. You seem to have this attitude that women are pieces of meat that are here for nothing more than.
Mr. America: How did this become a debate on whether I’m sexist or not?
Tom: Well, first off when Jennifer…
Mr. America: Stop again’this isn’t a debate on whether I’m sexist or not Tom. Let’s just head on out.
The camera cuts off. It comes back on a few moments later as Mr. America is driving. Tom Tomorrow is riding passenger and the camera man is stuck in the back. “Hotwax” by Beck is playing in the tape deck. Tom looks back at the camera man.]
Tom: Excuse me camera man, but have you ever seen Pulp Fiction?
The camera nods yes.]
Tom: Does it feel like we’re in the sequel to that movie to you?
The camera nods yes.]
Mr. America: Great movie wasn’t it?
Tom: If you are looking for a cure for insomnia, then yes.
Mr. America: Hey camera man. You liked the movie right?
The camera nods yes.]
Mr. America: I can’t resist this one. Hey Tom. Do you know what they call a quarter pounder with cheese in France?
Tom: Well, since the use the metric system over in France. I would have to go with.
Mr. America: Royale with cheese. Thanks for ruining the joke.
After a few minutes the car pulls up and stops. All three men get out and head into the club. Mr. America strolls up to the bar as Tom follows looking over the place. The camera follows but strays as a few attractive women walk by.]
Mr. America: Hey barkeep! Ice House if ya don’t mind! Gotta chase a pizza with something!
Tom cocks his eyebrow at Mr. America.]
Tom: I have never heard of this Ice House.
The barkeep hands Mr. America a bottle of Ice House.]
Mr. America: It’s a brand of beer. I usually prefer liquor myself, but beer is fine for tonight.
Tom: Ah. I see. We’ll beer does not suit a man of the future. Barkeep, double shot of Jose Quervo.
The barkeep slides the drink down to Tom. Tom downs it and puts the shot glass back down on the bar. The barkeep hands Tom some salt and a lemon. Tom looks at them with a confused look.]
Tom: What are these for?
Mr. America gives Tom a funny look.]
Mr. America: Most people have to chase stuff if they drink it straight.
Tom: Bah. It is weak compared to what I have had.
Mr. America: I’ll take your word for it.
The camera man goes to order a drink.]
Mr. America: Hey camera man! You’re not supposed to talk in flashes! Now Tom, you’re fun to hang out with and all. But I ain’t dancing with you.
Tom: We’ll I did not ask.
Mr. America: Smart ass. Anyways, it’s time to dance a tad here. I didn’t come for the scenery mind you, well that’s not entirely true.
Mr. America smirks.]
Tom: If that is the case then you will be hanging around the bar all night long.
A woman walks up to the bar and gets a drink. She stops and look at the camera and then the camera man.]
Woman: Hey! Aren’t you Bob the camera man for the OWA?
The camera nods yes.]
Woman: We’ll I’ve always liked how you work a camera. But let’s see how we’ll you can work on the dance floor.
The camera shifts a little bit. When it is lifted from the floor, Bob the camera man and the woman can be seen headed towards the dance floor.]
Mr. America: Did I miss something here?
Tom: We’ll it would appear that Bob has found his date for the night.
Mr. America: Thank you Mr. Obvious! What I mean is why is he the first guy to pick up a chick?
Tom: We’ll I would believe that it would have to do with his frame of mind. He does not see women as “chicks” as you have put it.
Mr. America: Thank you Tom.
Mr. America turns towards the camera.]
Mr. America: So tell me. How much does this job suck bub?
Barkeep: It only sucks when pigs like you come in here and ruin the fun for others.
Mr. America straightens up a bit. He smirks a bit.]
Mr. America: Guess he’s never heard of the OWA heat machine huh?
Tom: Apparently not. But then if you two were to get into a physical confrontation, he would surely lose. He is out of shape and has the stomach the size of a hot air balloon because of all the beer he guzzles down. You on the other hand are the OWA TV champion and are in good physical condition. You would win hands down America.
Barkeep: Hey buddy!
Tom turns towards the camera.]
Tom: I am quite sorry. We are not “buddies” in any sense of the word. You are merely someone who is at my disposal when I wish to intake alcohol and nothing more.
Mr. America: Hey! I think he’s learning.
Barkeep: Listen here buddy!
Tom: What part of me saying that we are not “buddies” did you not understand my primitive, prehistoric inferior?
Mr. America: Tom! Lighten up. If you upset him. You can’t get drunk! Then again, if you upset him. I can’t get drunk!
Barkeep: Yeah! Lighten up already. I was just joshin’ ya.
Tom: Bah! I grow tired of sitting by this Neanderthal! I wish to dance.
Tom walks over to where two women are sitting.]
Tom: Excuse me. I would like to dance and you two seem more than adequate enough to benefit me on the dance floor.
The two women look at each other with funny looks.]
Woman 1: And why should we?
Tom: Because I am Tom Tomorrow! [He strikes a pose.: WRESTLER OF THE FUTURE!
The two women giggle.]
Woman 2: We’ll since you put it that way. Let’s go.
The two women escort Tom to the dance floor. Mr. America scratches his head.]
Mr. America: Did I miss something? Oh well. I won’t be at the bar much longer.
10 minutes pass. Bob, the OWA camera man walks up to the bar and gets a drink and head back to a table.]
Mr. America: Hey Bob! Yo Bob! Over here Bob!
Bob, the OWA camera man ignores him.]
Mr. America: Oh well. At least I’ve got you buddy.
Mr. America pats the drunk, next to him, on the back.]
Drunk: Thank you. At least I feel wanted now….hey! Aren’t you that Ollie guy at done been botherin’ my cousin Russ?
Mr. America: And you are?
Drunk: Billy Bob Gator!
Mr. America: Uh. no. I look like him beaus of the alcohol.
Drunk: Oh. my bad.
The drunk gets up and stumbles out of the bar.]
Mr. America: This bites!
A woman walks by. Mr. America stops her.]
Mr. America: Excuse me miss.
Mr. America: Could you tell me where the best club is?
Woman: Sure! It’s a disco place not that far from here.
Mr. America: Did you say disco?
Woman: Yeah! It’s really happenin’!
Mr. America: Really?
Woman: Yeah! The guy who runs it! Oh my God what a babe! He’s the OWA’s very own Freddy..
Mr. America: Nevermind.
Woman: Ok. Sorry I couldn’t help you.
Mr. America: No problem. By the way, nice legs.
The woman turns around as she walks off.]
Woman: Nice mouth, too bad it’s the only part of you that works.
The woman walks off.]
Mr. America: Ouch.
10 more minutes pass as Mr. America looks a bit more buzzed than he did 10 minutes ago. Mr. America watches as a woman walks by.]
Mr. America: You know, if we should rearrange the alphabet so that “u” and “I” are together…
The woman stops and starts to laugh hysterically at Mr. America. Mr. America’s face turns red as the people around him laugh. The woman stops laughing and walks off.]
Mr. America: The worst kind of rejection.
Tom comes walking up with the two women on either arm. Mr. America perks up.]
Mr. America: Tom! Old friend! Old buddy! Old pal!
Tom laughs as he stops. The women turn around and walk back to the table where Bob, the OWA camera man is seated with his date.]
Tom: Well, like the ideology in the ring. It is every man for himself or every woman for herself tonight.
Tom walks back to the table chuckling.]
Mr. America: Jerk…
30 more minutes pass. Mr. America is still sitting at the bar.]
Mr. America: Maybe I should’ve taken up opera. Wait! I have an idea! Hey Joe! Let me see that camera.
Joe the barkeep: Sure.
The camera shifts again as the camera starts to move.]
Mr. America: This’ll work.
A woman comes into the view of the camera.]
Mr. America: Excuse me miss. I’m doing a study for my college biology class and I was wondering if you wouldn’t mind if I were to tape you.
A loud grunt his heard as the camera hits the floor. Mr. America is heard in the background.]
Mr. America: Oh. That’s not what I meant. Ugh! The pain! Joe! Call a doctor!
Joe the barkeep: Why?
Mr. America: I wanna see my unborn children!
Tom and Bob, the OWA cameraman’s feet come into view.]
Tom: That looks like it hurts Bob.
Both men laugh as the camera fades to black.]
North American Championship: Consuelo Salyards vs. Taleis
Announcer: This match is one fall and is for the North American Championship. First coming down the aisle, weighing in at 245 pounds. Being led to the ring by his tag team partner for Crime Spree. Ricky Hype. Here is Taleis. And his opponent is the brand new North American Champion. She defeated Billy Smith this past week at a house show to claim the title. She’s led to the ring by the giant, Gustaffson. She weighs in at 126 pounds. This is the North American Champion. “The Latin Lover” Consuelo Salyards!
Ed: Much to the dismay of former North American Champion, Billy Smith, this match is for that title. Billy will get a second chance at that title at Crime Spree along with Tom Tomorrow and the Rainbow Warrior and it’s the champion who’s at the disadvantage in this match.
Myers: Very true. Even if Consuelo gets by Tom Tomorrow and Rainbow Warrior, she has to face former champion, Billy Smith. There’s the bell and we have a championship match. Salyards quickly with an enzuigiri and she goes for a dropkick but Taleis steps to the side and hits with a springboard rana!
Ed: Taleis with a number of kicks to the fallen champion. He’s gotten a bit more aggressive in this match this being his first OWA title shot. Taleis hits with an enzuigiri of his own. Russian legsweep by Taleis. cover. one. Kickout by Consuelo.
Myers: Taleis off the rope, but Salyards catches him with a hotshot. Salyards slowly gets to her feet and hits with a belly to back suplex. Salyards with a couple of kicks. She sets up for a piledriver, but Taleis counters with a backdrop.
Ed: She gets up and is hit with a spinkick by Taleis. Taleis with a handspring moonsault, but Consuelo gets her knees up. She goes to the top and hits with a Frankensteiner from the turnbuckle! Incredible! Cover. one. two. th. Kickout by Taleis!
Myers: Salyards with a whip and a spinning leg lariat. Salyards to the 2nd turnbuckle and hits with the front flipping legdrop! Cover! One. two. Now wait a minute. Ricky Hype just put Taleis foot on the bottom rope. Referee stops the count.
Ed: Consuelo is looking around. I think she thinks she’s won it. The referee is telling her that Taleis foot was on the bottom rope. Taleis is sitting up. He sneaks up behind Consuelo and rolls her up and pulls the tights! One. two. th. Kickout by Consuelo.
Myers: Close one. Taleis with a superkick and another cover. one. two. He puts his foot on the ropes for leverage but Salyards kicks out again. Taleis pushes Salyards into the ropes and rolls her up. Salyards pulls him back around and has him pinned. one. two. She pulls the tights. Three!! She keeps the title!
Announcer: Winner of the match and still OWA North American Champion. Consuelo Salyards!
Ed: I need to get to ringside. Why don’t you give us the complete rundown for Crime Spree?
Crime Spree Update
Myers: My pleasure. This is your final Crime Spree report. Crime Spree comes to you live on PPV, on May 4th. It’ll come to you from the Seattle WA and the arena there has already sold out so the only way to see Crime Spree is on PPV. Now, let’s run down the entire card for you.
First, the main event. It’ll be as wild as last year. It’ll be a Triangle Ladder Match for the OWA Championship. Monica Brant defends against Pretty Boy Monty, and former champion Traci Lane. Last year’s triangle ladder match was voted Match of the Year and this one should exceed that one.
The North American title will be on the line at Crime Spree in not one but three matches. Newly crowned champion, Consuelo Salyards will take on Tom Tomorrow in the first match and if she’s successful she’ll be going on to meet Rainbow Warrior in the second. And if she makes it past Warrior she’ll take on former champion Billy Smith in the last match. The title will be on the line in each of the three matches.
Another match that was signed is a roof match for the OWA TV Championship, pitting Mr. America against Virgo. On top of the arena, a cage will be put up all the way around the building. However, there will be a 6-foot opening along one wall of the cage. The object? To push your opponent through that 6-foot opening out off the roof. Never fear, below an inflatable mattress will be set up, just like they are used in movies to catch the stunt actors.
Inside a local Seattle Bar, there will be no rules as the NEW OWA Tag Team Champions, the Extremists battle Wendy Ryker and Rachel Ryan in the first ever Seattle Bar Room Brawl. There are no rules, and the winning team must knock out both members of the opposing team to be declared the victor.
In what is being called a respect match, Davey Scott will battle 20 OWA Superstars in 2 minute increments. If Scott doesn’t get pinned in the 40 minute duration of the match, he’ll be declared the winner.
A Graffiti Match has been signed for Crime Spree, pitting Harvard Earl against Danny Bouchard. The winner is the one who spray paints “LOSER” on the back of his opponent.
In a no hold barred match. No count-out, no DQ and falls count anywhere. Michelle Cox takes on Freddy Fever in a match where the winner will face the OWA Champion at Press Your Luck.
First Blood match between Miguel Thunder and Blackout for Crime Spree.
New OWA Trio Tag Champions, Executioner, Stacks Coltrain and Shogun (who’ll be filling in for Pretty Boy Monty) will be taking on the MP Inc. team of Big Russ Gator, Kodiak and Nazghul.
Ricky Hype and Taleis to take on the team of Biff Franklin and Johnny Stallion.
Plus these other matches.
Masked Plague will take on Asian Invasion.
Tara Quinn will take on Diamond Brett Robbins.
Wolfgang Von Richter to face Crimson Scorpion.
Mariko will take on The Shocker.
And Nightmare will take on a mystery opponent. Not much info on this person, however, the word going around is that it just may be a returning champion from the OWA’s past.
That’s the complete line up for Crime Spree.
Lord Wolfgang Von Richter
scene opens inside a dark castle type room with a very large oak table covered with many elegant foods and drinks. Sitting at the head of the table is The Baron, Wolfgang Von Richter. He looks up to see the OWA camera crew and he is NOT surprised to see them as his security system is to advanced for them to just sneak into this home]
Wolfgang: Hi boys, I hear Asian “Rug Boy” Invasion wants to get his *smirk* belt back and we should all watch out. Well, I’m not really an outspoken person but let me tell ya, Ooooooooooooooohhhhhhhhhh!! We’re all really scared now! Ooooooooohhhhhhhhhh!!
The Baron finishes a large turkey leg then flips it to a LARGE Great Dane lying on an oriental rug by the fireplace]
Wolfgang: Listen up Rug Boy, in case you haven’t noticed, you are on the bottom of the heap, and walking out of our match goes a long way towards the belt. Anyway, it wouldn’t have mattered as I was just about to employ the Maltese Cross Deathlock, which we both know you wouldn’t have walked away from at all. You’re not worth the scraps I give to my dogs!
The Baron stands and moves closer to the camera: Enough about losers, let’s talk about winners. Are there any out there willing to give a nobody, can’t wrestle a peasant, ranked twenty something Baron a match? Rainbow Warrior did and won. You think you can too? If you do I’ll give you one of my prized stallions. And no, Johnny Stallion is definitely not a prize! *smile*
Ed: Ladies and gentlemen. This is my first interview since becoming an announcer for the OWA and it gives me great pleasure to be able to interview the former OWA Champion. Please welcome. Traci Lane!
Crowd pops as Traci Lane makes her way to the ring. She shakes Ed’s hand and takes a seat next to him]
Traci: Hello, Ed. I’m delighted to be your guest for your first interview.
Ed: (Blushes.) Thank you, Traci. Let’s start out with the obvious first question. Let’s talk about Crime Spree. You’re going to try and regain the OWA Championship in a Ladder Match for your championship belt. How are you feeling going into this match.
Traci: I wish I could say I was excited, but some of the comments directed toward me have been unnecessarily personal. A certain Anthony Hazard has, I believe, allowed his ambitions to overtake his poise.
Ed: We’ve heard a lot from Anthony Hazard in the last few weeks and he’s starting to get a rather ugly demeanor as of late. He’s still, however, refers to the OWA Championship as /his/ belt.
Traci: That’s nice, but we both know that it’s not his belt–it’s not even mine, for now. I’ve successfully defended that title on numerous occasions, and I haven’t had to change my style to do so. Anthony had an opportunity to main event Crime Spree, but I was the better wrestler on that night and here we are. Anthony Hazard will just have to wait in line for his next opportunity and I’m certain there are more title shots in his future.
Ed: You, at one time, called Anthony Hazard a “Legend”. There’s been some dispute since that time, especially by one Freddy Fever. Hearing your comments on Hazard tonight, do you still consider Hazard a legend?
Traci: I did at one time. Perhaps a tarnished legend. But frankly, a legend doesn’t get you a title, and that’s where he’s missing the point. It’s almost as if he’s clinging to the last shred of dignity he had before taking this different tact. And from where I sit, Fever has every bit as much right to consider himself a legend as he does, as does Monty.
Ed: As do you.
Traci: I won’t go there. I’d prefer not to simply declare myself a legend. If the sports-going public makes that decision, then so be it.
Ed: Let’s talk about your other opponent at Crime Spree, the current OWA Champion Monica Brant.
Traci: (Shifts in her seat.) Very well.
Ed: Tell us how if felt, when that mask was removed at Caged Fury, and you saw Monica Brant holding the OWA Championship.
Traci: Utter disbelief is what I felt. I never suspected it might be her, and it caught me totally flat-footed. I’m still having some trouble adjusting to it. Unfortunately, I’ve had all the time in the world to dwell on this and I’m going to be ready for her at Crime Spree. She won’t be getting over on my account a second time. So let’s just say that she’d better keep her purse back in the locker room. I won’t be victimized again.
Ed: Stories abound that this past week, when Consuelo Salyards won the North American Championship, that the Femme’s threw quite a bash.
Traci: Well, Ed, given not only who won the belt, but who she took it from, I thought it only appropriate to really throw down. We spent the next day taking it easy, though. Poor Gus just can’t hold his liquor, unfortunately…
Ed: I want to thank you for coming out here and talking with me. These fans appear to be behind you one hundred percent. Good luck in your match at Crime Spree.
Traci: Thank you Ed. Say, you wouldn’t mind if I joined you for commentary in the Hazard/Monty match, would you? I’d appreciate the chance to do some up-close scouting.
Ed: I’d be delighted and I’m sure that Myers wouldn’t mind. Come on over.
Pretty Boy Monty vs. Anthony Hazard
Announcer: This match is one fall. First, coming down the aisle, being led to the ring by Sir Goodwin, weighing in at 207 pounds. This is Anthony Hazard!
Hazard: Hey Ed, who’s the babe?
Hazard pauses for a moment, then with a look of total amazement says: Oh my god! Traci? Traci Lane?
Anthony quickly looks around the area]
Hazard: Is that really?
Ed: Traci, you’re being awfully quiet.
Hazard starts laughing then climbs into the ring and sits on a top turnbuckle facing the commentators table]
Traci: Hazard’s the one making a fool of himself. I’m simply allowing him to.
Announcer: And his opponent. Being led to the ring by Stacks Coltrain, weighing in at 275 pounds. He’s the number two contender for the OWA Championship. This is Pretty Boy Monty.
Monty: Man oh man….This is what I’m talking about. (Pointing at Traci). Looking good, Ms. Lane but not as good as her! (Points at Stacks, who flaunts it). Man, this is championship atmosphere. (He looks up at Hazard in the ring and points). Tony? A Legend? Forget about it! Here I come, little man!
Traci: Monty’s really been on a roll lately. I wouldn’t be surprised if he doesn’t take this match from “the legend”.
Ed: Both men are in the ring. This isn’t going to be a friendly encounter. These two have not been friendly since they day they both entered the OWA.
Traci: No, but that’s due to rivalry. They’re both top-caliber athletes, and they know it. That tends to lead to friction, as you’re seeing between Anthony and me. What’s Anthony doing now?
Hazard takes the mic.: I cannot believe that a star of my caliber does not have a match at Crime Spree, but Girly Boy Monty does? In what world do we live in?
Monty: Certainly not my fault that you let Traci Lane walk all over you a few weeks back. You could have been in this match.
Hazard: You shut your mouth. I’ll tell you what, I beat you tonight, I take your spot at Crime Spree. That title belongs to me. It’s only a matter of time.
Monty: There’s no incentive for me to take that offer, Tony-boy.
Hazard: You beat me. (he pauses). You beat me and I’ll leave the OWA forever!
The crowd pops.]
Traci: Oh, damn. I didn’t see that coming.
Monty confers with Stacks before nodding his head: Done.
Ed: This match has taken an unexpected turn and could have significant implications for Crime Spree! There’s the bell and we’re on our way. Hazard quickly starts out nailing Monty in the back with a drop kick. Anthony Hazard showing a mean streak as of late.
Traci: It won’t help him. He’s better when he abides by the rules. He’s out of his element with this “hardcore” stuff. Speaking of the Legend, he just nailed Monty with an elbow, and followed it up with a legdrop. Monty ducks a side kick, and–OH! A short clothesline sends Hazard down!
Ed: Pretty Boy Monty following up with a Gorilla Press–and down goes the much smaller Hazard with a crash. Monty sets up for a jackknife powerbomb but Hazard counters it with a backdrop. Hazard with a single leg takedown, and a small package. one. Kickout by Monty. Hazard nails him with a clothesline.
Traci: Now it appears Hazard’s wrapping up Monty in a sleeperhold–no! Monty drops down for a jawbreaker, and Hazard’s holding his mouth. Monty with the waistlock–dragon suplex! Hazard is out of sorts, and Monty sets him up–jack-knife powerbomb! He really hit hard. There’s the count–one. two. Kickout by Hazard.
Ed: Close for Pretty Boy Monty but Hazard nails him with a fist to the midsection and he drives a knee to the back of Monty. Hazard with a jumping side kick, and Monty is down. Hazard tosses Monty from the ring, right out here in front of us. He’s coming out after him–this is some of that “new attitude” Hazard’s been displaying! He’s stopping to speak to us.
Hazard: Traci! Time’s up, sweetheart! I’m coming for my belt! I’ll be the one to take it away from Brant!
Traci: (Stands up.) Bring it on!
Ed: Traci! Stay here, you’re commentating for this match.
Traci: Very well. (Re-seats herself.) He’s wearing on my nerves. Look at that! Monty just caught him unawares and whipped him into the guardrail!
Ed: Wow! What impact! He’s setting up for it again–
Traci: And Hazard reverses! Monty going in hard. Now he throws Monty toward the ringpost–OH! Monty’s cut!
Ed: That trip to the ringpost opened a deep laceration over Pretty Boy Monty’s eye. Now Hazard goes for a clothesline–but Monty ducks and throws Hazard into the ringpost! Now Hazard’s cut!
Traci: Turnabout is definitely fair play.
Ed: Now Hazard is busted wide open and we have a mess on our hands. The referee is calling for a bell. I do believe we have a count-out. Monty has slid back into the ring, and here comes the Extremists. This match is over. Monty is in the ring and the Extremists are going to work on him.
Traci: No! Ed, I’ve got to help! (Traci throws down her headset, and rushes away from the broadcast table.)
Ed: Hazard gets into the ring and Traci Lane slides under the bottom rope and he confronting Hazard. They’re having words. Traci turns to check on Monty and from behind. Danny Maxx just nailed Traci Lane with a chair in the back. Maxx drops the chair, and Hazard doesn’t look happy. He picks up the chair and is talking to Maxx about it. Traci turns around and sees Hazard with the chair and tackles him to the ground. She is pounding on Hazard and here comes some of the Femmes and some of the Crew. The Extremists catch Ryan and Ryker coming into the ring. Stacks is attending to Monty. Wait a second! Monica Brant has just blinded Lane with that loaded purse of hers and then headed for the hills! Fans, we are out of time. we will see you next weekend for Crime Spree!