Narrator: A few years ago, I looked in a record store when I came across a few C.D.s in the bargain bin. It was mainly filled with Peter Cetera CDs, the soundtrack to the film Encino Man, and lots of Lords of Stink albums. Almost too many C.D.s of this band, to be honest. Like… three bins full. But what was this Lords of Stink anyway? What was this mysterious band? With this mythical band name? Did they really stink? And were they the lords of this stink? I picked it up and listened to it. I mean, 2 dollar bargain C.D.s is affordable, am-i-right? And then listened to it again. The 3rd time was indeed the charm. It’s as if my ears were open for the very first time. And what I let in was something unheard of… but I did hear it. So not really unheard of, to be exact. But it created a motion into my newly open ears. What I’m saying is, it was good. Real good. And I heard it.. with my ears. And I had to learn more. Learns a lot more. So my did. My did learns more. This is the rise and fall and rise again of Lords of Stink.
Narrator: I talked to Kelly Green, the band’s manager. And asked her if I could do a mini-documentary series on the band. She said no. But when I offered her a 50 dollar gift card to the Stag Shop and 15 dollars in Burger King coupons, she quickly agreed to let me follow the band on their Canada tour.
THE BANDS ORIGINS.
Manager Kelly Green sitting in a chair speaking to the camera.
Kelly: Well, I met Loren through actor Tim Allen. They were working on a hilarious GRUNT album… was going to be groundbreaking. Or should I say… GRUNT breaking? Eh? Eh?? The three of us were becoming friends. We didn’t have oral, anal, or sexual intercourse, if that’s what you were thinking… just lot’s of hand stuff. But when Tim Allen wanted to move on to a more comedic venture of stand-up, like how women can’t use power tools bit. Argh. Argh. Argh. Too true. Too f’n true. I talked to Loren about starting a band… He told me, and I quote, can we stink all the time? I didn’t understand the question until… I did!
Kelly: The group’s name was created when they were having a barbeque, and Burt threw up his hotdogs all over and inside the hotdog bun bags. After we all had a good laugh while Burt cried in agony, likely due to food poisoning. Lor’ decided to clean the bag and the rest of the puke-covered buns to serve the band, which grossed us out. But the stink was there. Tonic yelled out, “this has to be the lord of stink,” and POW! The rest is history. Loren likes to think G.O.D. came down from heaven and gave us the stink… But I think he was high on bath salts. They were also close to calling the band BULLET TIGER. The Carl Weathers Foursome, my idea. And, of course, The Vomit Dogs. But there was something about Lords of Stink that just clicked…
THE LEAD SINGER LOREN JONES.
Loren Jones is shown in a full leather suit sits there smoking a cig looking into the camera.
Loren: People say I have a huge ego. But that’s mostly mistaken with my huge dong. (laughs) But as for an ego? That’s not true. It’s just mainly because I think of myself as the third son of the father of all fathers himself… Jesus Christ. You know, Me, Lemmy and Pearce Brosnan… May they rest in peace. It still saddens me that we will never get one more Bond film with Brosnan… But that basically makes me the only living G.O.D. on earth. You know? But no. No ego. I hate the fame and popularity this Band has given me over the years and what I have given them. Sure, I do every magazine interview we get offered… And, of course, take all Pickle Barrel and anal suppository commercials endorsements. And I don’t do it cheap either. But I hate the fame. I’m just a down-to-earth kind of guy. Do I like some elaborate things? Sure. D.O. I spend a lot of money on expensive, some would say worthless things? Maybe. But I bet Mick Jagger can’t say he not only owns the entire rights to the Philip Seymour Hoffman video library .. but Mr. Seymour Hoffman’s decapitated head in a jar as well?
Shows the jar to the camera with what appears to be the head of Hoffman.
Loren: It’s not gross… it’s completely normal to have the head of someone. And I love my fans too. I even dated a superfan who is now my ex-girlfriend because she wants me to pay child support for a daughter that isn’t mine. I believe to this day, her then-roommate Tom Noonan is the real father. Yes, Cain, the bad guy from Robocop 2.
Tonic, a rough but cool-looking man, sits looking off-camera.
Tonic: My name is Tonic. Nothing more. Nothing less. I got the name Tonic for being outrageous and high on drugs ALL DAY AND NIGHT! PAR-TAYNG, you know? I had to take a break for a bit because one night, after drugging up, I took my RAM truck and ran over these trash cans that were wearing school bags and getting off a yellow bus. I got in some trouble, just saying. But for me, it’s about just playing music. Writing music. Fucking babes. And drinking booze is my way of staying hip and cool. I don’t have time for all these advanced technology devices like hand texting machines, HiSpeed internets. HiDef Soyo T.V.s, Wireless home phones. Cartridge video games. Kevin Costner overly budgeted future setting movies. And those yak bak kids toys. I’m all about nature and animals. For real. Seriously though. I’m the baloney… Loren’s the mustard… the other two are the bread. We gonna just sit around? Or we gonna make some delicious mustard baloney sandwiches? I think I’ve made my point.
THEN THERE IS ALLY SWAN.
A somewhat of a mute who refuses to talk to the band. She will whisper to their agent, Kelly Green. Kelly and Ally sit there as Ally can be seen with duck tape over her mouth.
Director: Why the Duck Tape?
Ally whispers in the manager’s ear.
Kelly: It was Lor’s idea. Women shouldn’t have a say in any band, including Heart or the Runaways. And any importance of things involving in life and Culture. Just knitting, cooking, and doing dishes is where they have say. Oh, and lacy underwear. Ya’ it’s a wee bit sexist. But no one questions Loren… or you go into the chamber… we don’t like the chamber, right Ally?
Ally shakes her head in refusal, hugging Kelly nervously.
AND THEN THERE’S BURT.
The band’s drummer. But sits there with a huge smile as he goes to speak.
Burt: Hi, I’m Burt, and I’m the drummer of Lords of Stink and…
Loren: ZIP IT NERD!!
Loren screams out as the rest of the band laughs. A sadden Burt walks away in shame.
We see Loren and Kelly sitting next to each other, Loren smokin’ a cigarette.
Loren: Kelly has me invested in some smart pills. They’re supposed to make you smarter by the minute, and I believe they work. And he only charges me 2 dollars a pill. Kelly, get me one.
Kelly: Here you go, boss.
Kelly hands him one.
Loren: Thanks. Another……….
Kelly hands him another, but he looks at it first this time.
Loren: Wait a minute, this isn’t a pill. It’s only a green pea. Have you just been feeding me peas, Kelly?
Kelly: See, you’re getting smarter already!!!
THIS IS LORDS OF STINK.
Lords of Stink can be seen performing ‘TOO MANY SHOWERS.’
Loren: “Some people take WAY too many showers…
some people don’t need to smell like flowers.
If you wooooork a 40 Hour shift at a factoryyyyy
Then sure, I get it. You have to shower frequentlyyyyy.
But some people take too many showers…”
While the band’s Compact Discs have sold really well nationwide. The critics have not been kind to the group.
Director: Not to bring up the ghastly reviews your band has gotten. But they have, for the most part, been all negative reviews. A writer at Rolling Stone Magazine called your first album “Stinky Waffles” “the worst single thing that has happened to music since Milli Vanilli. Only their songs were catchy and fun. Lords of Stink sounds like it’s written by a brain-damaged mentally ill child who wrote it to give people a reason to hate the music industry and women.”
Loren: Well, that’s his opinion. I’d like to see him write something as impressive and insightful as Liver and Rice.
Director: Cream Magazine called the album Too Many Showers “Diarrhea music. Also known as Pure Slimy Shitty Music. And is Loren Jones a homo?” High Times called “Boiled Hotdogs” album ‘if ‘Vomit Sauce’ becomes a hit single, I will literally drown my newborn son. Thanks a lot, you homo Loren Jones.’
Loren: Well, that’s their opinion. And I don’t know what all this talk about me being G.A.Y. is about? I’m clearly the straightest man in the group. Here smell my fingers. Smells like pussy, don’t it?
Director: No, it smells like raw frankfurter-hotdogs and lube, Lor.
Loren: Oh, smell this hand then.
Director: No thanks.
Tonic: We get some good reviews. Like from Gilbert Cameron. From Retard Weekly. He’s always giving us 5-star reviews.
Director: Yes. Of course. I forgot about Gilbert. The mentally challenged teenage boy with down syndrome from Utah who writes a column in a free weekly paper. He is quoted saying, ‘I love me the Lords of Stink. Bester band in the whole wide planet world. Me love them so muchest. Oh no. Oopsie. I shit in my pant again.’ end of quote.
Loren: Gotta love that simple-minded bastard!
The band came to Toronto to perform live over the 2019 Winter Holidays. The crowd was large as usual. They even ran into some celebrities.
Will Smith can be seen signing autographs backstage. Some of the Lords of Stink lurk up near him.
Loren: Oh man, is that…?
Tonic: Yeah, man, it sure is?
Loren: I can’t believe it’s him at our show.
Tonic: Let’s go say hi, man!
Burt: Ya, let’s…
Loren: PUT A SOCK IN IT BURT! BUT FUCK YEA, Let’s go, Tonic!!! Mr. Mr. Mr. Fichtner. Really great to see you.
They run past Will Smith and rush up to character actor William Fichtner.
William Fichtner: Well, I’m a big fan of you guys. Lords of Stink is the reason why I did the series Crossing Lines in the first place.
Loren: Wow. Fucking wow.
William Fichtner: Looking forward to seeing both band performances tonight. Here at the Air Canada Center and then going over to the Rogers Center. Big Night!! See ya guys later.
William Fichtner walks away.
Loren: What does he mean, two performances?
Kelly: Well, I forgot to tell you. Lords of Stink are playing at A.C.C. tonight. But… The T.L.J. Band is at Rogers Center…
Loren: Fuuuuckin what? Not… T… L… J?
Cuts to the Rogers Center where The TOMMY LEE JONES Band plays live in front of a full arena crowd. The electronic acid trance music and amazingly expensive strobe light show as the audience goes nuts. The Tommy Lee Jones Band, wearing custom-made hockey goalie masks, performs ‘TURN AROUND,’ which is basically Academy Award Winning actor Tommy Lee Jones saying ‘TURN AROUND’ repeatedly to some weird techno sounds.
Narrator: “Turn Around” by the Tommy Lee Jones Band is the number one song in the WORLD. Lords of Stink couldn’t even break the top one hundred .. thousand…
Narrator: While nearly sold out in the Air Canada Center for the third time this year. Right near them performs the Band Lords of Stink’s number one rival since its inception, playing at the Rogers Centre to a completely sold-out crowd. 53,500 people. Their rival is, you ask? Academy Award Winning actor and now Electro/Techno DJ Tommy Lee Jones has been stealing their crowds and their fan base.
We see Tommy Lee Jones sitting looking at the camera
Tommy Lee Jones: Never wanted to make it personal. At the premiere of my movie In The Electric Mist. I invited Loren and the band to come to see the movie. During the after-party, Loren came up to me and said some horrendous comments to me.
Director: What did he say?
Tommy Lee Jones: I’d rather not repeat. It’s between me and Mr. Jones.
We see rough black and white footage from a cell phone backstage from a few years back. We see Loren Jones saying something to Tommy Lee Jones, who immediately snaps as the security guards break them apart.
Loren: I told him to suck my balls, you miserable old cock sucker. And I laughed and spit my gum at him.
Director: Good God, why?
Shot of Loren talking in the camera.
Loren: I did it as a funny gag! You have to understand my sense of humor to get it. Plus, I really hated Batman Forever… and I was high on bath salts.
Shot of Tommy Lee talking on camera.
Tommy Lee Jones: So I formed my little techno group, THe T.L.J. Band, and named our first album “In the Electro Mist.” To remind him and me… that I never forget. And I won’t stop until he apologizes.
Loren closes up on his mouth.
Loren: Never gonna happen, mate.
We cut to footage of the band performing live at the Air Canada Center.
Loren (on stage): My name is Loren Jones, and this is Lords of Stink… how about we blow your cocks and tits off with my cock! Our new hit song, EATIN’ A LIVE SKUNK, TORONTO!!!!?!?!?!
The crowd is silent.
“We don’t want to hear that song, you fuckin idiot.”
“Yeah, we’re just here because Tommy lee Jones Band is sold out, you fuck head!”
Loren: Um. Ugh. HIT IT TONIC!!!!!
Tonic goes to play but ends up falling over and begins dry heaving loud.
Backstage, Loren is celebrating with a bottle of champagne.
Loren: Shit, that was a WILDLY AWESOME SHOW, BOYS!
Burt: What are you talking about, Lor. We bombed, man.
Loren: SHUT THE FUCK UP, BURT!
Tonic: Face it, buds, we’re looooosers.
Loren: Fuck all that. We rocked the bodies that rocked the parties. Hey, where is Our Manager Kelly at? I hope she’s gone to get us Chicken Fingers? That be good, right? Chicken fingers… I’d eat the hell of those chicken fingers…
We see Tommy Lee Jones Band rocking on stage with flashing lights flicker through the crowd. Kelly Green dances clearly on acid in the front row with glow sticks in her bra and skirt.
Tonic, Ally, Kelly, and Burt have been waiting for their frontman Loren Jones to arrive at the studio for 3 hours. He finally arrives, late as usual.
Loren: What’s up, diggity dig-digs. I found this cardboard box full of old corndogs by the dumpster at Sonic on 123 Wilson Ave. The expire date only says 2 weeks ago? Who wants to get the microwave out and cook these fuckers up??? Looking at you, Tonic.
Kelly: Lor. We need to talk, babe. I mean, yes, I will have some corn dogs too. I mean, of course, right? But… well… Well, more so, the band wants to talk to you.
Tonic: Yeah, man. We dig the band. I dig rocking out and boning all kinds of ladies. Drinking Jack Daniels and Alberta Premium and… snorting anything we can stick up our noses and butts…
Burt: We should get to the point…
Loren: Jesus fucking Christ, Burt. Do you ever not shut up? SHUT THE FECK UP, M.A.N.!
Tonic: Well… spinning doobs and cracking beers with you and the groupies has been a blast. Even though you barely touch the women, mostly busy talking with that muscular security guard, Gill and…
Loren: Someone else TALK!
Tonic: We’re just trying to say we may want the band to go in a new direction. Ally played us one of her originals songs a while back. We love her voice. We were thinking of using her for the next album.
Loren: WOMEN CANNOT SING, Tonic! Hence the duck tape over her mouth, man! Girls are good at two things. Hell… I can’t even think of two things… name one good female singer?
We see Kelly digging in the corndog box looking confused.
Kelly: He makes a point. My mind is blank.
Tonic: Sing it, babe.
Ally pulls of the duck tape confidently and begins to sing.
Ally: “Fly away… I just wanna soar…
Living life is okay but also a bore…
Let me be me… let us be… and..”
Fades to shots of Tonic moving his head to the song.
Fades to Burt with a tear running down his cheek.
Kelly, eating a corndog, bops her head to the music also.
Suddenly, Lor runs over to the microphone, lets out a loud greasy fart in her face, and laughs.
Loren: HAHAHA! What? Like that’s not funny. Fuck off. And Ya Ally, real great. My bullfrog quacking fart could sell more records than you. Bitch!
Loren slaps her. She cries into Tonic’s arms.
Tonic: Not cool, man. Fuck this band and fuck this booze. We’re out of here,
Kelly: She isn’t too bad, actually… but so were your fart sounds… but you know how I feel about the fart sounds. I’M SO CONFLICTED!
Kelly walks out and grabs a hand full the corn dogs before leaving
Burt: We could talk about this, Lor, if you wanted?
Loren: FUCK THE RIGHT OFF BURT! FUCK THE RIGHT OFF! I AM BIGGER AND BETTER THAN LORDS OF STINK! I AM LIKE A FUCKING GOD! I AM GOD! FUCK ALL YOU, FUCK YOU! MY SONGS ABOUT SOGGY SOCK SMELLS AND EATING SKUNKS IS WHAT MADE THIS BAND!
Loren slaps Burt, too, who runs out, leaving Loren alone in the recording studio.
THE FUNERAL FOR BURT
Narrator: What happened to Lords of Stink and its members? The self-proclaimed greatest Rock Band to ever Exist from Earth to Saturn. (whatever that means) I believe it was Loren who once said that. Maybe I just made it up. Sounds cool, though. Right
Narrator: Ally started playing her original songs at pubs and local theatres. She was usually booed off the stage. She even resorted to covering some Enya, Suzanne Vega, and Tupac songs. Still booed. She asked Kelly Green to manage her, but Ally’s music was too folky and horrible for her. She did think adding a few fart noises would help sell her stuff. And if she performed nude. She resorted back to the duck tape.
Narrator: Kelly Green went on to manage the Tommy Lee Jones Band techno group. They made a reportedly 100 thousand million thousand hundred dollars. Some say that Kelly and Tommy had an affair together to even make a sex tape. But upon viewing the disturbing sex tape myself… it was dull and mostly hand stuff. Lame.
Narrator: Tonic quit drinking and banging whores and met up with actor William Fichtner, and the two became best of friends. Even started their own Pickle’d Fries and Mushroom Burgers Stand business outside the Food Mart grocery store somewhere in Milwaukie. The Will & Ton Gross Stand didn’t work. It wasn’t a success, and Tonic went back into the bottle and whores immediately, but the two remain friends to this day.
Narrator: Loren also found himself in a bottle. Slowly drinking himself to death as he writes his solo album. Titled. Mustard Bath.
We see Loren on his acoustic guitar playing on the toilet in his bathroom.
Loren: Musssstard bath. This is the most disgusting thing in the world… is bathing in a mother fucking mustard battttth.
Loren: That’s actually not bad…
Narrator: Mustard Bath became number one on the rankings… in North Korea. He even got a letter from an old friend, Burt, the band’s drummer. Loren refused to read it at first, crumpled it up three times, and even wanted to use it as Toilet Paper. But I guess, as they say, curiosity viciously murdered and raped the cat to death.
‘Dear, Lor. I think it’s time to get the band back together. We need each other. The 4 of us alone are like the Ghostbusters actors. No real hits. But put the four of us together, and we rock together. I mean the original male version of the Ghostbusters, by the way. Not that girly-girl garbage fest version. Anyway, think about it. Your voice and songs need to be heard. Tonic and Ally ripping it on their guitars and of course me, Ol’ Burt, drumming it like no tomorrow. Let’s do it. One more time. Thanks. Burt.
P.S. I guess Bill Murray had a career. Whatever.’
Narrator: Loren was moved by Burt’s words. He went to call him right away. Just had to finish binge-watching Bloodline on Netflix first. After that…10 hours… he called Burt. But it was too late. Burt never made it home after mailing that letter. On his way home, he decided not to take the bus but instead wanted to walk. But on his way home, like always, he passed the Sewage Factory Plant. A sewer pipe exploded under the sidewalk killing him and one other person on that sad day. The other person? Who cares… Burt was no more.
FADE TO BLACK
At the funeral, Tonic, Ally, and Kelly all stand around the casket. Loren Jones walks up behind them.
Kelly: Kind of funny to have us all together again? Huh?
Tonic: I guess.
Kelly: You wanna hear a dirty racist joke to lighten the mood? This pregnant Indian lady is shitting, right? And…
Loren: Guys. Guys. Guys. And Ladies. I need to apologize. But I was wrong. I mean, I wasn’t wrong about being the best part of the band. Or being a God. Or believing that YOKO DUCK TAPE ONO, over there, can’t sing and is secretly trying to kill the band. But… I was wrong about breaking us up.
Ally says something in Kelly’s ear.
Kelly: She agrees.
Tonic: That’s cool with me, man. Getting the band back together.
Loren: So if it’s cool with you guys, Let’s get the band back together…
Tonic: I literally just said that.
Loren: Oh. Sorry. I was thinking about me, naked with a bunch of sexy WOMAN babes!. But we should totally get the band back together… It came to me when I watched Ghostbusters again. I, ME, thought the Ghostbusters are better as a team. Like us. All my idea.
Kelly: it’s true. You guys are like the Ghostbusters… wait… does that make me Slimer?
Tonic: Great way to put it.
Loren: Thanks. It was all my idea, by the way.
Kelly: But what about a drummer? Burt’s dead.
Loren: Huh? Sorry thinking about M.E. again… man, I am sexy. Wait.. huh, huh? Um, Bur-who?
Black Guy: Hey brothas. I play drums. Can I join the band?
Loren: YES! OF COURSE! Plus, it makes more sense for the Ghostbusters and the band to have one Ernie Hudson-like person in it! No racist.
Black Guy: None taken… You Damn Skippy, brotha!
We see a wide shot of the graveyard as the song “Everyone” by Van Morrison plays as each band member of LORDS OF STINK walks away in slow motion. Ending on a shot of Burt’s headstone.
THE RISE AND FALL AND RISE AGAIN OF THE LORDS OF STINK
Created and Written by Adi Gold
Loren Jones (Lead Singer): Thaddeus Duke
Tonic (Electric Guitar): Jason Cashe
Ally Swan (Bass Guitar): Brittani Helms
Burt (Drums): Kasey Kash
Kelly Green (Manager): Adi Gold
The Director/Narrator: Matt Robinson